格桑花

Temple of Heaven, Beijing, China

June 4, 2008

Dan proposed to me and passed me the engagement ring from his great-grandmother.

I said"Yes, yes"...

We both believe that we made a right desicion ...

I haven't been here for two days, then everything changed,and it took me a while to get used to the new setting...

I know I'm not patient enough with my visa application, but meanwhile I am telling myself that I have to, and I just have to...finally good things will come after trying hard and waiting patiently...

We will make it!

I had dinner with my mom and Hanhan at Pizza Hut yesterday to celebrate mom's birthday, the food was ok there, but the service was kinda disappointing, thinking that's supposed to be a decent restaurant, well, in China...so it seems I always have something to complain about, and I definitely know that's a bad attitude, somehow I couldn't help...when can life be satisfactory? I know it's not about the restaurant, because I may have tried worse ones in the US, it's just about where you are, and who you are with. Of course I'm happy being with my mom, but yeah, I'm having my significant other, and I want to be with him, simple like that...also I have bunch of friends, and I want to catch up with them in person, hang out with them, laugh with them...it's not an ambitious dream, and it's even not a dream....it's so real, yet I couldn't reach, no matter how hard I try!!!

Time counts...so I will wait and wait and wait, and something new will appear!!!

 

I still have thousands of reasons to hate my current life...but I have to bear, and I just have to...take the life as it is...maybe it’s the last chance that I could spend days and nights with my mom in China, or maybe it’s the last chance that I could enjoy the convenience of having delicious food in China...or, maybe it’s my country, and I won’t feel any discrimination, although I believe in the liberal country, things would be ok...I guess I still feel more confident here.

Office life is not good/decent enough, and the weather has been ugly...so I guess I have to find some fun by myself!!!

That’s what Dan told me in the airport today, although I have no idea when it could happen, I will keep my faith!!!

SEE YOU AT LOGAN!!!

回到北京，也带回了一路雨水，这城市完全不让我觉得亲切。曾经的孤独感又浓重地蔓延过来，以致于身边有爱的人，我也觉得满心凄凉，未来也让我恐惧。。。

去北边仍旧是迷了路，我才意识到，自己在那个国度长的那么一点点认路的本事全部没了，一年以后，那边的生活，那边的记忆，那边的一切，仿佛彻彻底底远离了我，还是恐惧。。。

很多恐惧涌过来，我的自信自然是崩溃，然后就很失态，地铁里越想越难过的时候又落了泪，甚至是D非常不理解的，这个女人又怎么了？

状态始终很差，回来的这十个月于我相当漫长，挥霍时间的时候心仿佛在滴血，可是怎么办，怎么办，我能怎么办？

I know I am lost again...[face09]

从杭州乘动字头到上海，出了车站，偌大的广场，熙攘的人群，让我有些惊惶失措，内心的不自信喷薄而出，还撞上黑车搭了许多句话，最后不甘心，问了广场保安，找到了打车的地方。沿路我都说，上海怎么这么乱，不是全中国最好的城市么，我不是四年前呆得快游刃有余了吗。。。时光荏苒，很多东西一变再变，面目已全非。。。

第二天在人民广场，地铁20多个出口又让我茫然，还好指示清楚，并没走什么冤枉路。四年前博物馆50元一张的门票如今也无存了，我和D在那里消磨了快一个下午，其间我还无理取闹一次，小女人，小女人。步行了南京路，选择了黔系干锅，D和我吃得都还算开心。天有些雾，站在外滩，江对岸的东方明珠只能看到一半，却仍旧让我有些怀旧，有些陶醉，浦东浦西，不变的璀璨，终于这城市开始感染我。

昨天，从乌镇赶回来见纤，淮海路，太平洋百货，大店连小店，霓虹又闪烁，让我近乎着迷，memories flooded back，我还看见曾经坐过的空调926。纤非常之professional打扮，让我恨不得马上换份工作，好有机会也打扮打扮。穿过一条街，就到了新天地，咖啡红酒面包冰激凌，昏暗的烛光，立马让我想起美国，那个我曾经如痴如醉的国度，心里立马下了一个结论，我是喜欢上海的，我是喜欢新天地的。。。而后才发现，那并非一个正确的结论，其实正确的结论是，我依旧是喜欢那份悠闲自由，我依旧是喜欢那个国家的空气，我，真，要不得！

D爱包子，我们去了鼎泰丰，异常之明亮的店堂让我小小兴奋，小笼美味没得说。和纤聊得还算多，她累，也忙，一直惦记老板交代的工作，却还是做了好的host，介绍周边好吃好玩的地方，让我接下来的计划膨胀。在北京，我孤独至死，只有见到朋友才知道自己错过了生活中多少精彩，离开社会有多远，离做一个开心充实的人有多远。这是我害怕，却一步一步被迫走着的路，我想尽快逃离。其实我可以，只不过太懒惰，太胆小。总之，见到纤，有种refreshing的感觉，仿佛细胞又活跃起来，情感又丰富起来。。。纤在LD，心中最美好的祝愿送给她。。。

流水至此，今天要去homes吃红烧肉了[face02]

June 1st was yesterday, the Children’s Day, it came quietly falling on a weekend, and I was away from the crowds in the subway, on the streets... the tranquility at home pleased me a bit, and I was finally able to work on the travel plan and got excited. But at some point, I couldn’t help feeling sad about the kids who might have lost their parents or families in the quake, and yesterday must be the toughest Children’s Day they’d been through. From the news, I got to know a lot of touching stories of theirs, just bless they could be strong and optimistic as always and have a bright future!The hard time can only make us much stronger, and it would never beat us! Yes, all of us should believe it!!!

So I’m talking about this June, I’m taking leave of absence tomorrow (till the end of June) and will meet with my boy in the airport...life is never easy for most people, we’ve been separated, but we are getting stronger. So tomorrow will be a happy reunion after four months’ separation, how wonderful! Sometimes I am a bit confused if I should thank the separation or hate it, if I should thank the hard time or not...if life is supposed to be bumpy, then just take it as it is! So do the kids!

Alright, I guess pretty much one of my new year’s resolutions is coming true, thanks for pushing my life forward in this way!

See you on June 30th!
[face34]

The long-awaited weekend is coming...strangely I feel nothing, not excited as I am supposed to be...probably it’s because I haven’t heard from my boy for more than 36 hours, which never happened before(or maybe happened once)...I had a bunch of questions in my mind, like: is he safe, is he alright, what is he doing now, is he hooking up with some girl? Can he really bear not writing to me, is he wondering if I am ok? Well, no matter what, I just want to make sure he’s safe, and that’s my wish for him as well...please be safe and see me in the airport next Tuesday, dear! Please!!![face34]

Thank God, he’s safe:)

记不清这已经是北京这个春夏第几个扬沙的日子了，只觉得昨夜风吹得门呼呼响，今天早上一起床，桌上地上厚厚一层土，ww关于大学的记忆flood back，而冲击我的则是几年以前住在同样一所公寓的日子，也是扬沙的天气，我努力保洁都没有用。那时我在大国企，却有些少年不识愁滋味，领导对我的培养，同事对我的照顾我统统认为理所当然，抱怨自己无聊乏味的工作，巴巴盼着可以早日脱离苦海。如今，我进了一个作坊工作，我仍旧是巴巴盼着可以早日脱离苦海，只不过我意识到以前拥有的一切其实是美好的，我年轻，我可塑，我也上进，我对未来有些迷惘，可是却有足够的勇气去面对一切，创造一切。那个时候我对这座城市没有感情，也没有多少抱怨。如今，我仍旧对这座城市没有感情，可是我想离开，每时每刻都想离开，特别是在地铁里和毫不认识的男人被迫亲密接触，呼吸着各种各样难闻肮脏的空气时，我真的想逃得越远越好。又或者我爱的人在远方拽着我的心，我受不了身心的分离，请让我走吧，让我的身去找我的心。。。

这是一座有着千万人口的大城市，文化底蕴深厚，政治氛围浓厚，人才、资源，应有尽有，很多人爱这里，很多人享受这里，可是我做不到，无论如何也做不到。深深觉得地球另一边那个熏陶了我两年的城市在记忆里模糊得快看不见影子，而我在那片土地上拥有的一颗柔软的心正在被眼下这个城市煅打得冰冷和坚硬。那么以后还要多久才可以再柔软。。。我能强烈感觉到自己的struggle，是心所渴望的宁静和外部的喧嚣之间的博弈，而我时而这边时而那边，分裂的痛苦难以言语。。。

我要怎么努力才可以速速解救自己？？？我又很担心，两个月后这里的天气能好成什么样子，以至于我们能给世界人民一场承诺的盛会？？？

还有让我心疼的四川，请你一定再坚强些！！！

Today we got a case number, seems things are going well...just cross my fingers that the whole process can be quick!

Ridiculously I had a big fight with someone on the phone, oh god, that’s the biggest fight I have ever had with people, and I yelled like 10 minutes for a tiny payment issue, where came my anger? Meanwhile some salesman called and was rude to say I didn’t show respect to him. Come on, what’s that? I just felt that I lost my patience and became too evil. And should I promise that this won’t happen again? I want to be a nice person. This city is ruining me, I so much want to get out of here, please, please!

That’s the way how my life is moving forward!!!

I still couldn’t get it out of my mind that I missed my boy’s commencement, especially after reading QH’s blog about it. What I missed is not just a ceremony, it’s a precious moment when I should share the joy with my beloved, and witness his success! So I missed it!!!! And I felt awful thinking about that!!! But what can I do???

I probably couldn’t get it out of my mind either that the quake is tremendously damaging, and the tragedy hasn’t even been over yet!!! Except for the donation, what else can I do? Yeah, I could be a volunteer, but somehow I stopped myself by ridiculously thinking about my family??? What else, what else can I do? Oh, I did make a white flower and put it in my room and I am going to buy subway as my lunch tomorrow to donate more, but what else?

I may have missed a lot of gatherings/sweet moments since I’m so far away from my friends in the US!!! I miss them so much, and I definitely miss the good old time a lot!!!Desperately!!!

Sadly, after chatting with my cousin and knowing some truth, I felt chilly and heartbroken...I may also have missed some family gatherings from my dad’s side, but come on, I never regretted, regret, or will regret!!!

Finally I would say, I miss my boy a lot, and I love my parents, and I love my dear friends, they are my world after all! What else should I care!!!

整整一周过去了，心情始终阴霾和温暖交织，难过，感动，感激，那种冲击心房的感觉很强烈，每天都不能平静，每天都无时无刻不在看新闻，又有人被救出了吗，又有余震了吗。。。14：28分，我静立，默哀，耳畔是震耳的鸣笛，14：31分过后，我去了银行，捐出了自己的第一份心意。之所以这么说，是因为这是开始，但不是结束。很多人为明星捐少而愤愤，有时候也拿不定主意，到底自己应该捐多少算合适。今天我没有捐很多，只是一点自己的心意，可是我会长期捐下去，总是告诉自己，重建道路漫漫，四川的同胞需要我们持久的支持，而不仅仅是今时今日我们沉浸在巨大悲痛中的这种冲动。贵在坚持！晚上回家我会做小白花，能尽到心意的地方，我觉得自己都应该做到。这是有生以来第一次经历这么大的灾难，即使98年的洪水和年初的冰雪也未曾让我如此揪心。真心希望那些从灾难中挺过来的人们今后能真正从灾难的阴影中走出来，平安健康地生活，为了他们死去的亲人朋友，也为了全国人民乃至世界人民的这份关怀。

东边日出西边雨，过去的这个周末是全美的本科生和研究生们毕业典礼的日子，无论东岸西岸都是阳光灿烂，草长莺飞吧，辛苦了几年的学子们手捧证书和家人朋友分享付出后的收获与喜悦，那场景想来也让人欣慰。我的nerd也是今年的一份子，远隔大洋，其实我有些难过，而其实这难过从我离开p城的那天我就清楚，很无奈，可是也只能等待。他说，we will go to all the celebrations together in the future， 我愿意相信！好在他的家人朋友队伍庞大，即使他有小小失落我没有show up，nerd应该还是开心的。Congratulations!!! See you in two weeks!!!

这一日，北京在多日的阴郁后放晴，回暖，人们照常上班出行，丝毫没有受到昨日震荡的影响。然而这一天，眼里始终有泪，也许是因为听到总理的辛苦，人民子弟兵的英勇，也许是因为听到灾区的种种，看到孩子们被尘土覆盖的小小身躯。。。为什么会是这样呢，我不明白。前两天对妈妈说，为什么自己的命运是这样，眼前仿佛不顺，这太不公平。可是比起整个祖国所遭受的一切，很快就忘记了个人的小小烦恼，反而是庆幸，多灾的08，我始终和祖国在一起。如果要问公平，我们努力改革开放30年，我们期待祖国的美好强大，我们欢欣鼓舞地要为世界人民办一场盛会，可是这接二连三的天灾人祸是什么，是打击，还是考验？公平在哪里？又或许，这根本就是一个苦难民族成长的轨迹。。。

眼下，只能是为仍然被困的灾民们多多祈祷，为救援的官兵们祈祷，为祖国的明天祈祷！请你一定坚强，一定挺过去，明天，明天是晴天！[face38]

I told my mom, "it’s unfair"...but I can do nothing about my current situation, nothing, really...I name it as the best torture, and I feel extremely uncomfortable...lonely in the city, nowhere to go, no people to talk with...the worst situation, the best torture...but why, the same old question...

People say when you get down, you blog quite often, and I think that’s so right, because I’m doing that right now.

It’s raining again, with the grey sky, chilly wind...the weather is moist, and my eyes are moist as well...My boy is revenging me, I cannot believe that’s true, but sensitive as me, I’m damn so right! Or he had some problem and couldn’t write? If that’s the case, I prefer he’s revenging me, I guess that his safety is way much more important than my sadness. Long distance sucks, I am yelling, but God is still tesing my patience!Alright then, bring all on! I’m a fragile girl, meanwhile I’m a strong person! I’m not afraid!!!

D should really remember 2008, it might not be a good year for a lot of people, but it definitely IS for him!

Two weeks ago, he had a fiancee, today, two weeks later, he got his doctor degree! In China, we say those are two of the most fabulous things in life!He got both almost together! Of course, undeniably he had been working hard, so he deserves what he got!

Congratulations to my love![face35][face34]

My p scared me in the afternoon after I found out something was on my chair...so I ran home, which was my only option. On my way home, the feeling that H’s parents would be at home couldn’t be stronger, it’s about the time for them to come back. I was just crossing my fingers that I would be wrong. When I unlocked the door of the apartment, I knew I was 120% correct. Sadly, that’s not what I expected. I may not be able to clean my mess till later tonight.

So I had nothing to do except for pushing the button on my laptop to fool around...I sort of had the feeling that Q’s coat was from HM, so I left my guess comment. After checking the anwser, ok, again I was 120% correct.

Back to today’s noon, I met with the previous office manager for lunch. There are two points that I think I may be right about her: first, she may think, how come your office passed the audit but we didn’t;second, how come you would permanently live in that country but I would not...I guess I’m smart enough to sense although I know I might be wrong. The thoughts hit me, somehow powerfully...

Back back to my visa petition, the inside me was confident, not like how I dealt with my applications, when I was not sure and anxious everyday. I believe our petition would be smooth, very!

Look forward, I can sense that our trip in June would be a really nice and sweet one, and we could get much closer, although I understand we have been close enough.

Look forward and forward, D would make me happy forever , all the aspects, you name it!

Well, it feels great to look back and forth to know how intuitive I was/will be, but now, I really have to clean myself up! Can I, oh, come on, I lost my intuition, suddenly!!!

P.S. The chief may happily think he used me, however, I wish he could understand nobody is a fool, well, maybe except for him!

Just for a record, that my p hasn’t come yet, and it could be tonight, tomorrow, or even later...I hope it’s normal anyway...and things are funny sometimes, coz you plan the situations you want most and least, yet the least wanted would come finally , and you got to handle it...is that life?

Bless! Yeah, I just want to be healthy to have a bb with D, please bless us!

*****
My p finally came after work, lol...

AND, something else belated came as well...a pack from BC! I was really wondering what’s in the pack because I just expected a rejection letter. However, it’s an ad, to MEd...God, are you kidding me??? My visa petition is right on the way to USCIS, then you gave me another option??? Is it a better option or a worse one??? Well, it’s hard to tell, and I just need to make a decision between the options, neither is good...so finally I stuck to the first one, and I guess I am right!

Engagement, the preparation of my visa petition, and the holidays...yeah, it’s been a while that I haven’t blogged here...but my life never stopped...I felt relaxed, but at the same time I felt bored and empty...I once complained that I never got out of the woods of stress, then I suddenly was given the chance, to be honest, the feeling was not so good as I expected...

So last week, I was preparing the visa petition pack with my boy, yeah, it’s our first group project, till yesterday he finalized everything and dropped the pack off in the Fedex office, we were done! I will look forward to some good news!!!Bless!!!

I got a lot in my mind, my good standing, the continued preparation for the who knows when visa interview, the travel plan in June... yeah, that’s a lot, but I don’t know why I feel so lazy and cannot even start one of them...please act!!!

I did some shopping, but still couldn’t find my comfortable shoes for the coming travel. So yes, I will keep hunting this afternoon.

This morning, I got a phone call from a colleague in my office...I don’t know why, but I always feel upset to be bothered by some trivial things...later I realized, come on, they pay for upsetting me, so please be patient...

Ok, I guess I have rambled too much...stop!

P.S. To mark, our petition will be mailed on May 5th, as planned~

This is a piece on my MSN spaces, after the entry "New Life, Maybe?" Although I thought I was prepared, I still feel it’s too fast to be true. I would spend the rest of my life with my boy, finally...

------------------------
If I am that kind of person who loves to mark all the special days, like friends’ birthdays, friends’ anniversaries, even friends’ first days of going to work...of course I’d love to mark mine as well.

So today, I am going to mark a new one for myself,
Yes, I am engaged...today...on the phone...without a stone, without flowers, without champagne...without the talk in person, which he originally planned to hold till June when we can see each other again in China. I got to admit he was pushed to say the words one month earlier by my news, but I appreciate this reaction.

The poor boy cried on the phone while calling his mom (according to himself), and later went to his parents’ house for a talk. When he came back to his own apartment, he brought the words back as well. I can tell his voice was shaking, and the speech he had prepared turned to be incoherent, still I gave him the answer he wished after some Q&As, and I hope I didn’t make a mistake.

Well, I said "new life", but actually my life won’t have any difference at least in months, and the wait would still be ENDLESS...somehow, my feeling is different now, maybe because I have been put on a "Sold" tab...

After I was intimidated by the timetable of getting a K1 visa, I finally sent the professor an email, which turned to be my last try. So early this morning, I got the confirmation, which I would like to define as my fiasco (or not). I was sad, and in a panic, and almost fell down on my way to work. Of course I cried a lot, and just felt why and why? I kept trying, I worked hard, and then I got nothing.

So I talked to a lot of people, my love, my friends, my family, and I updated my blog to spread the words out so that I won’t have to tell people one by one to shame myself...of course I got support back from all of them, and I eased pretty quick.

It’s hard to tell if it’s a real fiasco, nobody knows. Weiwei said "D would say the words", ok, I never expected that the words would come in this way. But, everyone knows, God works in a mysterious way, so what do I expect?

Move on, to the next step! Be wise![face34]

Yesterday (US’s today) was Jiangzi’s birthday and Mogu’s one-month mark day! Weiwei sent some really thoughtful gifts, upon seeing them, I was reminded of how sweet and thoughtful the girl has been!!! Gosh, my life and my memories of those days are still fading away, and I am stuffing my mind with the crowds, the rude people, the "pathetic" situation of mine...so I am asking myself, why should I deserve the best, what did I do for approaching that stage? Nothing, the answer is nothing...if I am overloading my mind with all the complaints and whines, I don’t deserve the best for sure, coz I am not good enough. Yet of course, D is a gift for me from God! I know that!!! And I would always appreciate it!!!

My roommate’s parents have been here for two days, sharing the apartment with me...my feeling is, hmmm, so far so good. They are like all the other parents, kind, caring, and quiet, as a result, I wouldn’t say anything negative although there might be some inconvenience for me. I wish to be a nice and thoughtful person too. I was on the track when I was in the US and making big progress, affected by all the nice friends around, but going back to the big cold city quickly dragged me off the track, which was barely realized by myself. Now I should resume~~~it’s not for getting rewarded, it’s just for that we should have good personalities as human beings pursuing perfection, then someday we will naturally be paid back before we know it!

So I will be good--nice, helpful, strong, caring, optimistic, whatsoever...[face17]

春夏之交，我的大爱，终于不经意间降临。

连绵细雨，树叶滴翠，清清爽爽，我努力丰富自己的生活。昨天兴致一起，去了很久不去的麦当劳叔叔，那个铺子在繁华美食街，估计大家也不会想要去吃american junk food吧，于是我有了临窗的两人座，独自看窗外霓虹闪烁，车来车往，啃着汉堡，嚼着薯条，真是挺放松的。日子嘛，我越来越明白是自己过的，我就是我生活的主宰，购物还要继续哦～～～

早上和xuxu聊天，又被一番鼓励，我心暖暖。D说到什么生啊死啊的，我很任性地就说，you cannot die before I do...两个人正在融为一个人的过程是美好的，心里总感觉我们会爱很久很久，这份爱开始我有过不珍惜，可是如今我当它是我的宝。感觉这就是我幻想中的长长久久，所有的感觉都是对的， everything feels right...其实上天已经恩赐了这份福气给我，别的我还能怎么计较？

所以地铁再挤，居住环境再恶劣，我再孤独，需要忍耐和等待再久，我都不应该抱怨，因为the best is yet to come and always worth the wait!!!

想说的是，我不放弃，无论是通向幸福的路，还是幸福，我都不会放弃！！！[face38]

The raining season in China, the raining season in my heart as well.

BJ has been raining for almost two days, and as always the overcast sky made me down, not to mention no news has come from the school (no word at all!). I clearly remember that last year around this time, I teared a lot, and this year, it goes the same. I love this season, the beautiful and colorful springtime is supposed to cheer people up after a tedious and plain winter. Shouldn’t I fall on the track too? I guess sometimes I do, like last Sat., I had a really great shopping trip by myself and didn’t realize I spent 6 hours wandering in the mall. I enjoyed the snack, the cheerful crowds and the cute shops on the snack street...later I ordered a glass bottle of yogurt, which brought the memories of twenty years ago back to my mind, when I visited the city for the very first time. That was a wonderful day for me in the raining season.

Sadly, other than that day, I could easily tear all the time, when I chatted with my boy, with my mom, when I received emails from my boy, from my mom, when I thought about all the suffering I had been through (which is still on), I couldn’t help asking, why is that and when would that be over???

But, trying to be an optimist, I would rather believe that a more beautiful and rainless summer is out there, and waiting for people to reach, so is that kind of summer in my heart[face35] Keep faith!!!

1. Love the song Beijing Welcomes You!!! A LOT!!!Yanzi is the greatest for my thinking~

2. I went shopping this afternoon, "Uniqlo" was my target, but I got two T-shirts from other stores, all are very good anyway-Four T-shirts, two camis...blue, yellow, green, white, summer is supposed to be a colorful season! I will keep hunting~

3. I stopped by the snack street and tried some, I promised my boy that we would stop by together in June.

I am definitely exhausted now, since I am not a big shopping fan and cannot walk for too long time. But today I made at least 4 hours, so got to go to bed now~

The hottest topic recently...as a Chinese, I feel compelled to speak out this time, China, I love you~

The voice keeps haunting me when I saw people in SF waving our national flags, when I read the news that everyone showed their strong mind to protect the dignity of our motherland, when I watched the quite touching video of the torch relay...it’s definitely an unforgettable spring for all of us Chinese around the world~we are proud of you, China! Actually we were, are and will be, ever!!!

I just wish a peaceful and successful Olympic...bless...

Alright, I guess I am not good at shan1qing2 in English, so I am gonna stop here, but the voice is still in my heart~~~probably will get stronger~~~

Talking about my mood, after being a fen4qing1 for a couple of days, I feel totally high, lol...which matches the weather a lot. The temperature rose sharp, gals are wearing fancy clothes here and there, and I enjoy the view so much, although I myself will never make it (well, till my boy’s next visit, I promise, lol). I got to admit, I love summer, or I love the interim of spring and summer~the worries have been left behind, before I pick them up again, I wish I have already got the news that I long for...[face35]

***
Tonight, I met with Jia for dinner, she’s coming for business, so we didn’t talk much, but I felt great to see her smiles again~she’s always passionate, lovely, and beautiful, "my lady" forever~~~

Before meeting with her, I ran to the famous outlet and picked out a pair of low heels, from Fed International. I made the decision in one minute, and felt very satisfied with it. The shoes are very nice with good quality and cute style, I am happy that I won’t suffer from walking by wearing the old shoes anymore, yay...

周日的清晨，我土衣土鞋出门去办公室，却被晃眼的绿色逼得咧了嘴。这是多么明媚的春天。这确是值得爱和拥抱的春天。

只不过，这几次和D的电话到最后都忍不住泪流，生生隔着千山，隔着万水，要怎么办呢～希望，希望在哪里，我等了又等，等了又等，等了再等，然而什么都没有什么都没有，真的是nuts了～我拼命买东西吃东西吃东西买东西，根本没有用，麻醉过后，还是一样地心伤。。。

拼尽全力，不过是想要很多人已有的那种幸福，我要的多吗？真的不多，为什么于我而言是这么难得到呢？？？

碎碎念的那两年时光有些淡去的味道，我听到美国人说话觉得是这么陌生，而我自己开口也变得结结巴巴，我开始恐惧，这可怎么办，这可怎么办？太多的东西我无法去把握，尽管我想努力去把握。。。

心情瞬间就可以down，just too bad~~~

[face18]

Something to mark, to review one year later...

--The office passed the annual audit, my boy said my hard work made this happen...ok, I guess he’s right, also the special acknowledgement goes to Cinda, Jennifer, great teamwork! I said I had finished my most important job here, and I am ready to leave...

--The Department of Homeland Security released the Optional Practice Training Interim Final Rule on April 4th, the OPT has been extended from 12 months to 29 months. Ok, my first reaction was that I was so not lucky...otherwise I can stay in the city, I can be with my boy, and we don’t have to suffer the long distance...then soon, I tried to think positively, I enjoyed the family time, enjoyed the great food, enjoyed my salary a little bit, enjoy shopping around...so coming back is not that bad, my boy made his first trip to China, and he’s gonna make another one very soon. Our relationship developed a lot in a sepcial way, it’s just getting stronger and stronger. When I asked "will you still love me 10 years later", he said "let’s make it 100 years" :P I believe you!!!

--April 9th, red San Francisco!!!Zan~~~ ZD go the hell!!! I have been reading all the news and looking at all the "red" pictures and felt extremely excited and touched~just wish a peaceful Olympics, after all the government has been trying hard to make a successful one~bless~~~

--Keep blessing myself~~~

As expected, I got another piece of paper from UCB...alright, would that add one more point on my way to my dream stage? I guess so if I am correct!!!

To reply to Uconn that I may not go, I opened my yahoo email box for some old reply templates, therefore I randomly read some old emails around the time when I was about to go to the US for the first time. With the guy I once had feelings, he’s been supportive to me actually, but he doesn’t belong to me, I should always appreciate his company at that time, but I should never bother his life from now on, so I moved on, which I think is a good thing; with my dear parents, they always care about me the most;with YC, the nice first conversation foresaw our precious friendship...It’s nice to review my life, to inspire me, encourage me by my own past~come on, girl, you are gonna make it again~you were never alone~

[face35]

BTW, I ordered a cool digital photo frame for D’s upcoming graduation~yay, it’s a very cool gift, and I love it!!!