格桑花

如果一切都可以量化，那么我的快乐指数也许现在是负数，且无限小。。。实在是不能快乐，怎么调整怎么说服，都是不快乐！于是，也仿佛很难优雅起来，相由心生，我觉得自己现在就是一个气鼓鼓的刁妇，甚至自己都不喜欢这样的自己，可是又能怎么办呢？

日子一天天过去，可是盼望的东西仿佛永远遥不可及。觉得自己好像把自己缩在壳里，看到的只有自己，以此去努力逃避现世的一切，因为我实在是不喜欢！想起以前的开怀，真的很难过。

我有多久没有开心笑过了？我有多久没有内心温暖了？哪怕我拼命回...

366天前的首都机场，见到苏叔叔，大概也没有想到如今还在冰冷的办公室里敲字，那个时候想的是奥运前就能离开。。。可366天后最终我也没能离开，而是和祖国一道欣赏奥运，和人类共同见证历史！其实是不坏的生活。只是我觉得自己喜欢的状态离得越来越远，有些着急，有些害怕，然后转念，目标又是一步步接近，再多点耐心吧！那一刻终会到来！

我喜欢阳光青春，所以小菲自然成为我偶像，不过看得多了也有些麻木，只是希望谦逊的男孩下届能够如他和他教练所希望的那样，尝试新的frontier，成为真正伟大的运动...

If I was extremely happy the other night when I got the first email from CRIS (NOA), last night when I got the second one, I was in a panic, indeed! Maybe I have read too many stories, and sometimes more doesn't mean better...I got so nervous about the...

I just answered a phone call and made a stupid mistake...the person told me who he is, and I thought he was looking for that person...so the conversation was ridiculous (stupid me!!! I definitely sounded like an idiot!!!)~dear God, how come my English ...

When I saw 3 from tv on the bus this morning, I was kinda excited to tear...the whole nation is ready to present the world a stunning opening ceremony...there are only three days to go!!!

It's nice to see Matt has been in China, li...

Yesterday I finally watched Little Women (the movie, of course, the book still hasn't been touched yet), which was quite refreshing to me...the four little women were different, but all of them were lovely and kinda attractive. Hmmm, I really should ge...

纤写表弟出国读书，我心有戚戚，竟然快要落泪。。。周末就要见到表哥，想起十几年前的老旧时光，又是不舍和难过，可是不舍又怎样，难过又怎样，总还是春风吹又去，岁岁年年人不同。据说以前头发乌黑浓密的表哥，如今因为日日勤奋在实验室，都快秃顶了，我有些愕然。。。而那个从小和我打架吵架的小表弟，在那个时尚的风之城快乐做研究，时不时给我email鼓励加祝福。小表妹们曾经是那么亲密，我们办家家酒，一起玩玩具，如今个个都是漂亮女孩子，却竟然有些陌生和无语。很多事情都会改变，而我却一定要为此感伤，这个大概永远不会变。。。...

Yesterday we had sort of a long distance fight, he felt he was insulted, but I don't think so...

So I'm not going to apologize, it's not my fault...

Being realistic is not wrong at all...that's life, when it comes to trivias, noth...

I'm exhausted every single day~ but July hasn't been over yet...for the very first time I feel that time doesn't fly~~~I look forward to the day of saying farewell to this damn office, to the damn person I hate...I must be thinking about it too much, t...

大暑之后，北京一直骄阳，热得昏天黑地。。。坐在车里，看到各种各样的横幅标语logo还有志愿者，很想统统拍下，传个专辑。或者太不热爱生活，又总是忘了带相机，而车也开得太快，成了完全实现不了的愿望。

友邦的中年妇女死缠烂打非要和我见面推销他们的产品，无论如何我都推脱不了，又或者是我太软弱，不知道怎么严厉拒绝。跟D说，it's small but annoying...D却说，it's annoying but small...男人和女人。。。好吧，我承认，我太计较。。。
...

I woke up with a smile this morning, dreaming that my file was touched, for twice...suddenly I was anxious again...the reality is my file hasn't been touched for almost a month...and the review process is kinda slow...I believe our situation is ve...

Yes, I finally made it!!! Two months after it's released~~I would say, it's awesome!!! And I have decided to watch it again, or maybe again and again and again...compared to the complicated relationships in the tv show, the movie is quite a simple stor...

回来的日子一直觉得心很苦，而并非生活之苦。在遥远的国度，有些拮据的时候，内心却总是温暖，感动总是汹涌。。。一座污染的城市，其实我并不太畏惧，我害怕的是人心的冷漠，人情的淡薄，我无论如何也不能让自己掉入那样的深渊，我害怕的是一旦我进去，就再也没有阶梯让我爬出来。我使尽全身力气，为的只是保持住自己的平衡，等有朝一日，那扇大门重启，我可以满怀期待地走进去，从此不再回来。

这城市是热闹的，欢迎着世界人民，而内心却是寂寞，布满着愁苦。想着从小到大的种种经历，只觉得自己真是个苦孩子。而苦孩...

You may know I was really worried about D's apt hunting on Friday, and both of us kinda could not fall asleep...suddenly on Saturday, he told me something magical happened, and he's out of woods...of course, me too...

Great location, fair pr...

周末艳阳高照，我懒得哪里都不想去，于是在visajourney的论坛上消磨了一下午，看到很多和自己一样时而焦急时而耐心等待的人们，just at that moment, I felt like, dear god, I actually belong to this group, and I'm not alone.

转眼已是回国的第十一个月，一年太匆匆，回首竟然全部是等待。从最开始全心地想要返回学校，到如今，我再没上学的心，可我依旧在等待，不过是内容有了些许变化，幸福竟然是...

The bleeding right after my period scared me a lot, and to be honest, I was in a panic...really, really...

The long email and then no email from D scared me too, come on, when can our long distance be over? Haven't we suffered enough?
...

其实此刻脑子还是晕晕的，每次打车一定会是这样的结果。很多时候，明知道结果也不得不做，是无奈。。。我并不抱怨眼下的生活，因为即便是环境如此地恶劣，内心如此地寂寞，光明和幸福是看得见的。我只想咬咬牙，把能扛的都扛下来，更何况，我并不是情况最糟糕的那个，多少人比我苦，比我难过，人家也都在过。而我却是幸福地有人疼有人爱，有钱花。。。

我只是有些恨自己的慵懒，却生生因为每天commute的艰辛，弄得回家一动也不想动。而没有朋友的日子，就是与世隔绝，呼吸困难，神经怎么都无法兴奋。...

Temple of Heaven, Beijing, China

June 4, 2008

Dan proposed to me and passed me the engagement ring from his great-grandmother.

I said"Yes, yes"...

We both believe that we made a right desicion ...

I haven't been here for two days, then everything changed,and it took me a while to get used to the new setting...

I know I'm not patient enough with my visa application, but meanwhile I am telling myself that I have to, and I just have to...finally good things will come after trying hard and waiting patiently...

We will make it!

I had dinner with my mom and Hanhan at Pizza Hut yesterday to celebrate mom's birthday, the food was ok there, but the service was kinda disappointing, thinking that's supposed to be a decent restaurant, well, in China...so it seems I always have something to complain about, and I definitely know that's a bad attitude, somehow I couldn't help...when can life be satisfactory? I know it's not about the restaurant, because I may have tried worse ones in the US, it's just about where you are, and who you are with. Of course I'm happy being with my mom, but yeah, I'm having my significant other, and I want to be with him, simple like that...also I have bunch of friends, and I want to catch up with them in person, hang out with them, laugh with them...it's not an ambitious dream, and it's even not a dream....it's so real, yet I couldn't reach, no matter how hard I try!!!

Time counts...so I will wait and wait and wait, and something new will appear!!!

 

I still have thousands of reasons to hate my current life...but I have to bear, and I just have to...take the life as it is...maybe it’s the last chance that I could spend days and nights with my mom in China, or maybe it’s the last chance that I could enjoy the convenience of having delicious food in China...or, maybe it’s my country, and I won’t feel any discrimination, although I believe in the liberal country, things would be ok...I guess I still feel more confident here.

Office life is not good/decent enough, and the weather has been ugly...so I guess I have to find some fun by myself!!!

That’s what Dan told me in the airport today, although I have no idea when it could happen, I will keep my faith!!!

SEE YOU AT LOGAN!!!

回到北京，也带回了一路雨水，这城市完全不让我觉得亲切。曾经的孤独感又浓重地蔓延过来，以致于身边有爱的人，我也觉得满心凄凉，未来也让我恐惧。。。

去北边仍旧是迷了路，我才意识到，自己在那个国度长的那么一点点认路的本事全部没了，一年以后，那边的生活，那边的记忆，那边的一切，仿佛彻彻底底远离了我，还是恐惧。。。

很多恐惧涌过来，我的自信自然是崩溃，然后就很失态，地铁里越想越难过的时候又落了泪，甚至是D非常不理解的，这个女人又怎么了？

状态始终很差，回来的这十个月于我相当漫长，挥霍时间的时候心仿佛在滴血，可是怎么办，怎么办，我能怎么办？

I know I am lost again...[face09]

从杭州乘动字头到上海，出了车站，偌大的广场，熙攘的人群，让我有些惊惶失措，内心的不自信喷薄而出，还撞上黑车搭了许多句话，最后不甘心，问了广场保安，找到了打车的地方。沿路我都说，上海怎么这么乱，不是全中国最好的城市么，我不是四年前呆得快游刃有余了吗。。。时光荏苒，很多东西一变再变，面目已全非。。。

第二天在人民广场，地铁20多个出口又让我茫然，还好指示清楚，并没走什么冤枉路。四年前博物馆50元一张的门票如今也无存了，我和D在那里消磨了快一个下午，其间我还无理取闹一次，小女人，小女人。步行了南京路，选择了黔系干锅，D和我吃得都还算开心。天有些雾，站在外滩，江对岸的东方明珠只能看到一半，却仍旧让我有些怀旧，有些陶醉，浦东浦西，不变的璀璨，终于这城市开始感染我。

昨天，从乌镇赶回来见纤，淮海路，太平洋百货，大店连小店，霓虹又闪烁，让我近乎着迷，memories flooded back，我还看见曾经坐过的空调926。纤非常之professional打扮，让我恨不得马上换份工作，好有机会也打扮打扮。穿过一条街，就到了新天地，咖啡红酒面包冰激凌，昏暗的烛光，立马让我想起美国，那个我曾经如痴如醉的国度，心里立马下了一个结论，我是喜欢上海的，我是喜欢新天地的。。。而后才发现，那并非一个正确的结论，其实正确的结论是，我依旧是喜欢那份悠闲自由，我依旧是喜欢那个国家的空气，我，真，要不得！

D爱包子，我们去了鼎泰丰，异常之明亮的店堂让我小小兴奋，小笼美味没得说。和纤聊得还算多，她累，也忙，一直惦记老板交代的工作，却还是做了好的host，介绍周边好吃好玩的地方，让我接下来的计划膨胀。在北京，我孤独至死，只有见到朋友才知道自己错过了生活中多少精彩，离开社会有多远，离做一个开心充实的人有多远。这是我害怕，却一步一步被迫走着的路，我想尽快逃离。其实我可以，只不过太懒惰，太胆小。总之，见到纤，有种refreshing的感觉，仿佛细胞又活跃起来，情感又丰富起来。。。纤在LD，心中最美好的祝愿送给她。。。

流水至此，今天要去homes吃红烧肉了[face02]

June 1st was yesterday, the Children’s Day, it came quietly falling on a weekend, and I was away from the crowds in the subway, on the streets... the tranquility at home pleased me a bit, and I was finally able to work on the travel plan and got excited. But at some point, I couldn’t help feeling sad about the kids who might have lost their parents or families in the quake, and yesterday must be the toughest Children’s Day they’d been through. From the news, I got to know a lot of touching stories of theirs, just bless they could be strong and optimistic as always and have a bright future!The hard time can only make us much stronger, and it would never beat us! Yes, all of us should believe it!!!

So I’m talking about this June, I’m taking leave of absence tomorrow (till the end of June) and will meet with my boy in the airport...life is never easy for most people, we’ve been separated, but we are getting stronger. So tomorrow will be a happy reunion after four months’ separation, how wonderful! Sometimes I am a bit confused if I should thank the separation or hate it, if I should thank the hard time or not...if life is supposed to be bumpy, then just take it as it is! So do the kids!

Alright, I guess pretty much one of my new year’s resolutions is coming true, thanks for pushing my life forward in this way!

See you on June 30th!
[face34]

The long-awaited weekend is coming...strangely I feel nothing, not excited as I am supposed to be...probably it’s because I haven’t heard from my boy for more than 36 hours, which never happened before(or maybe happened once)...I had a bunch of questions in my mind, like: is he safe, is he alright, what is he doing now, is he hooking up with some girl? Can he really bear not writing to me, is he wondering if I am ok? Well, no matter what, I just want to make sure he’s safe, and that’s my wish for him as well...please be safe and see me in the airport next Tuesday, dear! Please!!![face34]

Thank God, he’s safe:)

记不清这已经是北京这个春夏第几个扬沙的日子了，只觉得昨夜风吹得门呼呼响，今天早上一起床，桌上地上厚厚一层土，ww关于大学的记忆flood back，而冲击我的则是几年以前住在同样一所公寓的日子，也是扬沙的天气，我努力保洁都没有用。那时我在大国企，却有些少年不识愁滋味，领导对我的培养，同事对我的照顾我统统认为理所当然，抱怨自己无聊乏味的工作，巴巴盼着可以早日脱离苦海。如今，我进了一个作坊工作，我仍旧是巴巴盼着可以早日脱离苦海，只不过我意识到以前拥有的一切其实是美好的，我年轻，我可塑，我也上进，我对未来有些迷惘，可是却有足够的勇气去面对一切，创造一切。那个时候我对这座城市没有感情，也没有多少抱怨。如今，我仍旧对这座城市没有感情，可是我想离开，每时每刻都想离开，特别是在地铁里和毫不认识的男人被迫亲密接触，呼吸着各种各样难闻肮脏的空气时，我真的想逃得越远越好。又或者我爱的人在远方拽着我的心，我受不了身心的分离，请让我走吧，让我的身去找我的心。。。

这是一座有着千万人口的大城市，文化底蕴深厚，政治氛围浓厚，人才、资源，应有尽有，很多人爱这里，很多人享受这里，可是我做不到，无论如何也做不到。深深觉得地球另一边那个熏陶了我两年的城市在记忆里模糊得快看不见影子，而我在那片土地上拥有的一颗柔软的心正在被眼下这个城市煅打得冰冷和坚硬。那么以后还要多久才可以再柔软。。。我能强烈感觉到自己的struggle，是心所渴望的宁静和外部的喧嚣之间的博弈，而我时而这边时而那边，分裂的痛苦难以言语。。。

我要怎么努力才可以速速解救自己？？？我又很担心，两个月后这里的天气能好成什么样子，以至于我们能给世界人民一场承诺的盛会？？？

还有让我心疼的四川，请你一定再坚强些！！！

Today we got a case number, seems things are going well...just cross my fingers that the whole process can be quick!

Ridiculously I had a big fight with someone on the phone, oh god, that’s the biggest fight I have ever had with people, and I yelled like 10 minutes for a tiny payment issue, where came my anger? Meanwhile some salesman called and was rude to say I didn’t show respect to him. Come on, what’s that? I just felt that I lost my patience and became too evil. And should I promise that this won’t happen again? I want to be a nice person. This city is ruining me, I so much want to get out of here, please, please!

That’s the way how my life is moving forward!!!

I still couldn’t get it out of my mind that I missed my boy’s commencement, especially after reading QH’s blog about it. What I missed is not just a ceremony, it’s a precious moment when I should share the joy with my beloved, and witness his success! So I missed it!!!! And I felt awful thinking about that!!! But what can I do???

I probably couldn’t get it out of my mind either that the quake is tremendously damaging, and the tragedy hasn’t even been over yet!!! Except for the donation, what else can I do? Yeah, I could be a volunteer, but somehow I stopped myself by ridiculously thinking about my family??? What else, what else can I do? Oh, I did make a white flower and put it in my room and I am going to buy subway as my lunch tomorrow to donate more, but what else?

I may have missed a lot of gatherings/sweet moments since I’m so far away from my friends in the US!!! I miss them so much, and I definitely miss the good old time a lot!!!Desperately!!!

Sadly, after chatting with my cousin and knowing some truth, I felt chilly and heartbroken...I may also have missed some family gatherings from my dad’s side, but come on, I never regretted, regret, or will regret!!!

Finally I would say, I miss my boy a lot, and I love my parents, and I love my dear friends, they are my world after all! What else should I care!!!

整整一周过去了，心情始终阴霾和温暖交织，难过，感动，感激，那种冲击心房的感觉很强烈，每天都不能平静，每天都无时无刻不在看新闻，又有人被救出了吗，又有余震了吗。。。14：28分，我静立，默哀，耳畔是震耳的鸣笛，14：31分过后，我去了银行，捐出了自己的第一份心意。之所以这么说，是因为这是开始，但不是结束。很多人为明星捐少而愤愤，有时候也拿不定主意，到底自己应该捐多少算合适。今天我没有捐很多，只是一点自己的心意，可是我会长期捐下去，总是告诉自己，重建道路漫漫，四川的同胞需要我们持久的支持，而不仅仅是今时今日我们沉浸在巨大悲痛中的这种冲动。贵在坚持！晚上回家我会做小白花，能尽到心意的地方，我觉得自己都应该做到。这是有生以来第一次经历这么大的灾难，即使98年的洪水和年初的冰雪也未曾让我如此揪心。真心希望那些从灾难中挺过来的人们今后能真正从灾难的阴影中走出来，平安健康地生活，为了他们死去的亲人朋友，也为了全国人民乃至世界人民的这份关怀。

东边日出西边雨，过去的这个周末是全美的本科生和研究生们毕业典礼的日子，无论东岸西岸都是阳光灿烂，草长莺飞吧，辛苦了几年的学子们手捧证书和家人朋友分享付出后的收获与喜悦，那场景想来也让人欣慰。我的nerd也是今年的一份子，远隔大洋，其实我有些难过，而其实这难过从我离开p城的那天我就清楚，很无奈，可是也只能等待。他说，we will go to all the celebrations together in the future， 我愿意相信！好在他的家人朋友队伍庞大，即使他有小小失落我没有show up，nerd应该还是开心的。Congratulations!!! See you in two weeks!!!

这一日，北京在多日的阴郁后放晴，回暖，人们照常上班出行，丝毫没有受到昨日震荡的影响。然而这一天，眼里始终有泪，也许是因为听到总理的辛苦，人民子弟兵的英勇，也许是因为听到灾区的种种，看到孩子们被尘土覆盖的小小身躯。。。为什么会是这样呢，我不明白。前两天对妈妈说，为什么自己的命运是这样，眼前仿佛不顺，这太不公平。可是比起整个祖国所遭受的一切，很快就忘记了个人的小小烦恼，反而是庆幸，多灾的08，我始终和祖国在一起。如果要问公平，我们努力改革开放30年，我们期待祖国的美好强大，我们欢欣鼓舞地要为世界人民办一场盛会，可是这接二连三的天灾人祸是什么，是打击，还是考验？公平在哪里？又或许，这根本就是一个苦难民族成长的轨迹。。。

眼下，只能是为仍然被困的灾民们多多祈祷，为救援的官兵们祈祷，为祖国的明天祈祷！请你一定坚强，一定挺过去，明天，明天是晴天！[face38]