格桑花

以前听北京电台，比较喜欢那句“岁月流逝，谁陪我感动。。。”光华又逝一年了。。。

转眼我又长了一岁，可能因为还是2字打头，我并无多少畏惧，也可能是我迟钝，还没开始害怕。。。没有生日，便可以认为整个二月都是我的生日，想哪天过就哪天过，于是为了凑对，今天我就记两个字好了。除夕朋友好心地又买又做我最爱的cheesecake，我被多少人爱着^_^ 妈妈悄悄拜托朋友给我办party，即使她女儿从来就没什么生日。朋友又悄悄给我买礼物。。。谢过大家。。。从来我都既幸运又幸福。

There’s some kind of chemistry between Daniel and me, which convinced me that the feeling is correct, he does care me and I don’t have to worry too much, just follow my heart~thinking too far away is kind of disturbing, and I should not do that stupid thing~enjoy the moments I’m having~

Happy fake Bday tomorrow ~and good luck in the coming year, realizing that I’m actually working on my new year’s resolutions~

nickname在MSN上挂了好久，始终不想换，也不能换，时雨时雪，心中的这个愿望就越强烈，一定要等到那个繁花之春。。。

傍晚出门扔垃圾，只穿了单衣却不觉冷，甚至特意在户外停留了十几秒，正逢雨后的天边挂着几丝金色霞光，空气湿润清新，我的心砰砰，那个繁花之春大概真的不远了吧～

点了《心中的日月》，遥想起两年前，每天听着这首歌奔波在公交，地铁还有出租车上，累却心情好得不得了，那个时候好像一时间有了很多东西，有收入，有打扮的愿望，有要实现的梦想，有想爱的人，每天都觉得我年轻，我可以创造未来，我的世界充满希望。。。只是一闭眼的功夫，时光流过，我的梦想实现了，我把收入都付了学费，我穿回学生的休闲装，根本无心打扮，每天和各种数字报告无穷无尽的讨论打交道，我没了想爱的人，我觉得自己脸上少了年轻人的光彩，经常觉得人生好像没了盼头和希望。。。这，真是一个长长的冬季。。。

然后，再一闭眼，我的心中又有了希望，比如我需要收入去打扮，去走世界，比如我可以开始学习象爱儿子一样去爱一个我可以爱的人，我甚至可以期盼一个幸福的家庭，和我所有幸福的朋友们一样，而这所有，都要我信念强烈地去努力，去执着期盼那个繁花之春，好像当年我坚信自己一定能来到梦想中的国度一样。

四季流转，我不该怕眼下的长长寒冬，因为那个春，明媚的，带着无限笑意的春，给人无限希望的春，正或急或缓地向我走近，那是我会拼尽全力要等到的那个繁花之春～

Yesterday when I checked the calendar, I just realized that Wed. would be the turning of my age...although there’s definitely no 29th in Feb. this year~I’m still growing up~the bad thing is that how I wish I could stay young and never gonna be old and let the wrinkles show up on my face~but still there’s the good thing that it’s my time to make wishes~I celebrated many birthdays for my dear friends last year, buying gifts for them, holding birthday get-togethers for them, witnessing their making-wishes moments, and sharing the joy of wishes-coming-true moments later~ now, it IS my turn, and I surely hope all my wishes could come true soon~is that already one of my wishes?:)

Today is the day for all the people in China going back to office, and some of my friends started to log in MSN after 8:30am~it made me feel good, because they finally worked after a 7-day-long holiday~but we’ll still have a Sun to enjoy~no matter if I’ll have a SAS tutorial session tomorrow, plus a lot of work waiting there and too much pressure still on me~it is still the weekend~

I kind of had an honest talk with Daniel yesterday, which confused him so much and he called it "a strange conversation"...but those were truely the questions upon my mind and I tried to figure out from him~I didn’t get clear answers, yet those were tough questions for anyone~even myself couldn’t give answers~but I did know his attitude, his thought~I wish the promise from an American could count more than that from a Chinese, like my damn ex:)

Anyway, thinking back to the turning of my age thing, I should be maturer climbing to a higher level of my life, I hope I could try to relieve after all my persistent mental struggles, I could make myself a stronger and more independent girl and my parents be proud of me, having a clear idea about my own future, believing in the true love in my life, knowing how to understand and care for others and hugging the rewards...

I’m a little bit relieved because these days I realized that I’m going back to the girl who has dreams always~like from the smallest wish about the credit card approval thing to the big ones like my career development and my family...I was feeling bored over the days when I lost my dreams and passion, I told myself I was stuck, and could go nowhere, but I also kept the belief in mind that someday I would go through~ now I feel I’m having a lot of things to do, which I could do,and I would like to put all my efforts and energy to fulfill them, or most of them~

Recall last Wednesday, the Valentine’s day, the whole northeast area of the US was a mess, of course Pittsburgh as well~Amy and I struggled with the irremovable ice covering her car, I tried my best to bear the cold in my house, while the technician tried his best to change the whole heating system under the horrifying weather...piling snow everywhere freaked all of us out by worrying about falling awkwardly...how could we know, only a week after, the weather turned to be so nice, and I took off my thick jacket without hesitation, the roads were almost clean~things could sometimes unexpectedly go to the opposite way or change dramatically, and all we should do is to keep the dreams up and work hard always to wait for the moment to come~

Nothing but an overcast day could make people feel blue sometimes~however, this morning, the mild wind blew away any depression even it’s overcast, and I apparently feel I’m touching the Spring~Thank God, I’ve been waiting for like thousands of years~The weather just makes me soooo happy~I even didn’t want to enter the building~maybe I could recall all the sweet Spring memories~and then I’m trying to persuade myself luck could stop by at any moment after my true efforts, so make sure I AM working hard~

Last night I applied for citi’s student credit card, but after talking to Ying, I realized I might make a conservative mistake and need reapply~well, wish me luck to not have to do this~but if I need, never mind~

I got a serious email from Daniel, and he was telling something true~and I’m thinking I could not torture this guy any longer~maybe it’s time to talk and finally say "I’m not available now"~I’ll find out the day~

It is a new week with the long-expected warmer air~just as what I’ve been hoping~Amy randomly decided to go out for dinner with Ying and me~definitely we had a great chatting time, again~Ying said she could tell I was happy over the New Year’s Eve dinner, and I told her that was because of gals~

Nothing special today actually~I vaguely was thinking about the new relationship, should I or not~I hoped Daniel could write or call me after his coming back from skiing, and then he did~this is the part I care, which proves I might correctly make the decision~I would be setting up the connections with him, maybe deeply, maybe he would be the one in my life~because I’m sort of having the feeling~and I’m 99% correct most of the time~

As said, two good things come along together~career and love~I’ll pray and work hard everyday for the being-true~

I had a great time with my friends last night for celebrating Chinese New Year’s coming~I’m always hoping something cool could happen in the totally new year~like a new career, a new relationship or something that could drive me excited~anyway, the lovely spring will definitely come soon~even no need to wish~my dearest friends bought me a cheesecake for my coming fake birthday, and Ying even made a heart-shaped chocolate raspberry cheesecake for me~they are just sooo sweet, and I was soooo happy to spend the special moment with them all~I wish it could be a very very exciting year~golden PIG^_*

I chatted with my mom for almost three hours, and got so many updates~
-The firecracker policy has been changed this year by government, and the joy comes back~
-She handles very well in the stock market and is hoping the new year’s reopening~
-She finally got the permission from my dad to buy a new sofa, which really seemed so ridiculous to me and she complained her restricted life by my dad~
-My dad enjoys Prison Break so much~how I wish he could enjoy Desperate Housewives, but absolutely this is his daughter’s favorite soap~
-My cousin sold her house and moved to her mother-in-law’s home, and she’s always wandering on the business streets and spent so much money~
-My youngest cousin has a stable relationship, which is good for her~
-My grandfather is in a good shape, no need to worry about his health~
-My aunt did something that really made my mom sad, which sort of broke my heart, too~
...

I can not remember everything that we talked about, but when I told her I was actually taking the moving on stuff and thinking about starting a new relationship, she just showed her understanding and support~what my mom hopes is pretty simple, which is that I could have a happy life~being happy is obviously the easiest-to-say-and-hardest-to-do part in people’s life~I’m trying to, for my dearest mom, for myself, too~

I realize I’m working on my new year’s resolutions, and this really makes me happy~yay~

大年初一，有焕然一新的感觉，是不奇怪的，因为是新春，是所有中国人最最热爱的节日，温馨团聚，闲话叙旧。。。我只能遥想，和昨天一样，想念爸妈还有家人。

终于没有等到心中的那个祝福，哪怕那是和所有人给我的祝福同样的字，哪怕我完全有人呵护有人疼有人在意，完全有亲如家人的朋友环绕，我还是期待着远方的那份简单祝福，几个字，证明的是情谊，是位置，是分量，然而，没有，于是和2000年我千辛万苦等待那个生日祝福最终伤心失望继而完全忘记一样，这一次，我也就决定彻彻底底去忘记，没有情谊，没有位置，没有分量，永不期待，最可笑的是，总有那么一天，这些无情无义的人又到你的身边示好，我已经过眼云烟，那是一种什么感觉。。。妈妈说得对，就像我现在有很多很多新朋友一样，他们也会有，他们也在继续他们的生活，我们的交集已经不存在了，我只要过好我自己的生活就好。

祝福爸妈，祝福亲人，祝福我自己～

Daniel终于说出了那句话，我应该不会让他等太久吧，但是我也还需要时间去适应。还是期待春天，一切都会好起来。

北京时间该是三十了吧，昨天和ww中饭时说起以前过年的流程，仿佛十几年都没有变过，哪一天吃姥姥家的年饭，哪一天吃奶奶家的年饭，哪一天去舅爷爷家拜年。。。从来没有变过，可每年大家还是有滋有味。。。因为亲情不变吧。。。

虽然我今天有sort of a date， 明天有party，可是最最想念的应该是我爸我妈，还有那些我爱的，爱我的亲人们～祝福大家，这一年我们一定会团聚，是开心的团聚～一定会的！

It IS Valentine’s Day~我却从不曾对这个节日有丝毫的感觉。朋友的msn全换了，要么是sweetest present,要么是thanks, my dear ***。。。亚亚前些年唱《没有情人的情人节》，我那时太小，或者我晚熟，完全不理解。。。如今倒真真能够体会，并不是我曾经历，正经历，而是我，确实长大了。

说到美国中东部这次的雪，实在是顽固，昨天更要了命在我们这里也堆了5－10inches，据说new orleans又飓风了，有些可怜的人家里第二次被毁。。。还有utah&philly的枪击。。。messy!

家里的暖气终于背过气，房东决定换个brand new，很多东西仿佛是不能补救的，一定要彻彻底底放弃，彻彻底底换掉～just like what I’ve been through~

我知道国内的团年饭轰轰烈烈呢，中午和ww,yichin去open house吃了cookies，甜的，全是甜的，聊得十分开心，仿佛用尽全身力气，这样也好，卡路里全消耗了吧^_^

最近频繁接到xiao的已经可以称是“骚扰”的电话，这个男人也太需要成长了吧，我如今过来人姿态，云淡风轻，想起当年他害得我某次期末考试败得惨不忍睹，以及好几年的失落；又后来，当年的北大西门外，我断然拒绝他；再如今我的身份又变成了可以说知心话的朋友，倾诉对象。。。人生真有意思，你欠我的，好像注定要还，还要，加倍～这不是我本意，大概就是天意吧～thank god, I appreciate~

据说春会来得很快的，我愿意相信～

My mom said she’d be busy this week and could not talk to me until New Year’s Eve~dear god, I’ll have many parties then, and I’m not free all the time,too~I was planning to say happy new year to her, but now I realize maybe I could not~

Everybody rushes in the building, on the way school and home, anywhere~nobody says, well, I’m enjoying my leisure time~except, probably, me~there seems a big problem with my neck today~and I don’t want to do anything, even there’s absolutely something I’m obligated to do in time~like working for the Prof, job applications...but I just can not concentrate~don’t know why~healthy issues are truly essential~

I got a call from my friend at 1am, talking about the same topic as he talked to me before~I was just sooooo tired of that~how I wish I could just hang up the phone directly~but to be polite, I persuaded myself for not doing that to an old friend~I know career, family, friends may occupy people’s whole life, and those would be the eternal themes~I’m always trying to be nice, but I also want to have my routine, like going to bed before 1am...he seems not thinking he’s bothering someone else,and I’m supposed to be the one who should always patiently listen to his murmur~hope he’d not call me tonight~bless~

Daniel sometimes is kind of sweet, which I’m not going to ignore, like sending me an email at late night to say he’s safely arrived and what his whole day looked like...it’s a tiny thing that anybody could do, but it is not a tiny thing that anybody would do...and THIS is the exact part that I care...thus, maybe someday we could be good friends~

Ying sent me some job info. yesterday night and encouraged me at the same time, and I was so grateful!She’s always a sweet girl with dreams, passion,open minds,patience, persistence...lucky me to have some friends here like her...

Everyone is busy, whenever, and that’s what life is supposed to be~there’s no doubt about that~I also should keep myself busy~and I am that kind of person as well~no doubt~

午间时分，我又充当苦力，却有了漫步校园的机会，阳光，终于略有些暖，就是这样，我已满怀感激。一个人走路的时候，思绪总是万千，比如，我很快要离开这里了，也许就永远告别校园了，比如，下一站会是哪里，会遇到什么新鲜的事儿和有意思的人，比如，我总会是在我妈的期待下有一个自己的家的，可是那个人我是真心喜欢的吗，还有，这个家会在什么时候有？

昨天很开心和amy一起看了最新的desperate housewives&brothers and sisters~突然觉得好像是一瞬间就非常爱这种语言了，无论是说起来，听起来还是写起来都很美丽，很多事情的发生都是不经意间的。想起初来的时候，我在机场紧张得不敢开口，任何一个广告都听不懂，同学joke都是跟着傻乐，还有需要读n遍才明白的作业和考试，nightmare，如今，好像统统都克服了～于是又开始担心，如果我很快要离开这片土地，这种爱可能就显得短暂了～我还是要尽量让这种爱延续下去～我舍不得的东西，就不要轻易放弃，在我还有机会努力的时候，就拼尽全力吧～

收到同屋和房东的email，说heater的问题已经解决了，我只满心祈祷，不要再出状况了，让我的生活宁静片刻吧～

情人节的广告铺天盖地，不知道为什么，十分开心这个节和我关系不大～心里只想着，有好多好多家务晚上要做啊～我的洁癖又一发不可收拾了！

年终，以往的年终，我又该忙碌员工考核吧～林姐说起工资改革的事儿，让我对工作的怀念陡增～林姐还说，三个领导都那么喜欢你，让我想起自己工作时的左右逢源～林姐又说，张大姐退休了～最后这点撞击我脑海的时间，最长～张大姐待我象女儿，如果不是因为同事，我该叫她阿姨，这个让我对中国的辈份问题又比较困惑，明明是应该叫阿姨的，不过因为同事就要叫大姐？和张大姐能毫无顾忌地聊天，能说的不能说的；张大姐每次都是夸我，夸我聪明，夸我漂亮，夸我。。。夸得太多了，我真怀疑，我，有那么好吗。。。回北京的时候，无论如何我也应该去拜访她～

之后又update了很多同事的近况，一年多的时间短，也长，大家多多少少都有变化，才让我惊觉岁月～说起来，我也有变化，而且似乎是比任何人都大的，对吧～

This is apparently not an entry about ’finally’, I was intended to say something about the heater in my house, yeah, it’s working now~pretty good~but when I heard so much news about my old colleagues, I couldn’t help writing something related to them~to be honest, I miss them all~I learned sooo much during the three years, and they did take care of me sooo much~I’d appreciate what life has been giving to me~no complains anytime, anywhere, anyhow~

Good night~

坚持，是件太难坚持的事情～放弃的念头一浪高过一浪，我难道还不够坚强吗？未来还真让我恐惧啊～有时候突然就觉得这人生，到底要怎么才算有意思呢？小孩子拿到手的玩具3秒就厌倦，而我们这些成年人对这种日复一日的生活难道就必须要enjoy吗？其实我们也早就厌倦啦～

我那可怜的屋子整个周末都是一团糟，要么是没暖气，要么是没水，要么是浴盆堵住了，总之全是乱的，真让人心烦，虽然我可以借住，可是别人的屋子永远就是别人的屋子啊～

生活中太多令人憎恶而不可控的东西了，比如这要了命的冬天，到底什么时候才能结束呢？肆虐了这么久，是不是也该歇歇了？简历发了一堆，从来没人理，到底要多坚强的心才可以承受如此一次又一次的重击呢？让你完全有理由怀疑，自己的生存意义到底何在？还不如一只鸟幸福呢～

要过年了，我知道我妈可能挺想念我的吧，可怜不孝的我如今也没能让她过上省心的日子。发生的事情其实没什么可后悔的，既然是自己的选择，必然有选择的道理，有时间去悔，不如花时间去努力在未来中。信念很重要，总是要求别人，也是该要求要求自己的时候了。

小佳的日记十分high，其实人的情绪也是挺容易上来，又挺容易下去的，那么失意的时候就多鼓励鼓励自己，得意的时候就多平静平静，做人虽然应该有喜怒哀愁，但理智成熟的人应该懂得收放自如的。

最后大骂一句，该死的匹兹堡～

前两天是pipe frozen，如今是因为pipe好了，heater又告假，真是没有一刻消停的，都是我最不能忍受的事情，我对环境的要求还，真是高啊～早说了自己是个挑剔的人，如今真是要再承认一下了。

整晚都因为冷没睡好，做着各种各样奇奇怪怪的梦，早上起床仿佛打了一场仗，再也无法忍受，搬到了好心的amy家，终于终于有片刻的温暖～我只期盼明天，情况会好一些。我总是期盼，看似积极，其实，是因为现状不好，才会心生期盼啊～

读了曾子墨的书，读得奇快，顿时觉得好像大脑供血不足，又加上屋外天寒灰冷，只觉得自己挣扎得极其厉害。好累好累～有时候不太明白，这么优秀的人，写出来的书似乎有些太乏味了，并不能引起特别的兴趣，又或者是我熟悉了北美的生活，没有太多好奇～expectation总是很重要的事情，如果知道结果，再回头看原因，心态大抵总是很平静的吧。

偶像来了纽约，和我生活在同一时空，一天～然后看样子好像就是匆匆回京了，据说还要再来读书～在我抱怨数日以后，偶像的blog又开始有些人文情怀了～

Daniel去纽约也没忘记说have a great weekend～可是为什么我对得到的东西总是这么满不在乎的样子，一定等失去那天再来捶胸顿足呢，我大概是永远脱不了这个俗了吧～

子墨的生活辉煌，可是也是很随意的，仿佛是follow the God，然后就到了凤凰，做自己喜欢的事情，我有时候也会非常宿命，觉得无论以前，现在还是今后，我也是follow the God, 路似乎也不会太难走～只要有信念～我的信念就是，这个春天，一切都会好起来，而且会，越来越好～

又据说开始过小年了，我想每个中国人都是充满期待的吧，毕竟是这么久的传统，气氛一定很浓，好想念好想念啊～妈妈的菜和汤～

家里的冷我已经无法忍受，明明是太多的事情要做，却完全伸不出手。心中强烈的期盼就是春暖花开～

早上读了n封妈妈的邮件，给别人的，给自己的，排了时间顺序，才能让自己放下心来，可怜天下父母，真的都是这么为儿女操心的吗？有一天我真的为人母了，又会是什么样子？快了，快了，我只是觉得到了春天，就一切都会好起来了。不过我还是要努力～而且要靠自己努力～

有时候也会有一些暖暖的东西温润一下冰冷的心，我实在是个太敏感的人，又实在是个太容易被细节打动的人，可能潜词造句就能打动我，根本不需要任何实质性的东西，是曰：精神恋爱吧^_^。刚刚读了篇关于情人节忌讳礼物的文章，嗯，列出来的例子确实挺俗气的，第一俗的自然是玫瑰～各位朋友们情人节千万别送玫瑰给女孩子啦，这个实在是太没创意了，千万千万～其实，将心比心，礼物贵在心意，既然是送礼，花了钱和心思，还是要把对方感动为好。千万别让对方接到礼物的时候想，猜的就是这个，好没劲啊，跟鸡肋一样～那送礼的人不是太失败了么？嗯，不管怎么样，我都不用过情人节，不用去收礼物，也不用去买礼物，还是这样省心^_^

好吧，要每天都给自己加油～加油加油～

今天去了EOC，胆子还是不大，但是姿态积极～

和ww聊天许久，其实我们还是很close，我终于有机会向她表达我的谢意～我们还说到那个节日，我们该会出行的吧～

和yichin聊天很久，我觉得自己长大了～我肯定说出了自己的想法，也是一种confirmation～

Daniel回了客气的信，我不能不在意他的大度～他是个好人，我也完全不能否认～还是我前几天说的那样，我只希望时间，可以改变一些东西，我们可以成为很好很好的朋友～

要努力，要努力，要努力，我预感一切都会好起来～我们每个人都会有一个happy ending~I believe so~because everyone deserves~

Bless~~~~~~

BTW, how long would it take for a cold-blooded girl to fall in love with some good guy~

生活中的反复好像是注定的，象月的阴晴圆缺，象四季流转，象人的好坏情绪，象朋友的亲疏，象来来回回的好运气和坏运气。。。如此这般，人就仿佛坐着rollercoaster，上上下下，没有一刻的安静。。。很多人enjoy这种刺激与可以任由性子去摆弄的未来，但是也有如我这般懒散、怕麻烦，希望就此沿着轨道一直缓缓开下去的。。。最喜欢的，是日落时分，桂林漓江，红霞漫天，山水互映，一叶扁舟，该有多陶醉。。。我完全不喜欢张扬～

日子依旧生冷，有人说4秒之内，家里积蓄的热量能全部散尽，有人说走路用跑，称“跑路”；而地球另一边，妈妈说下了第一场春雨，xj说热啊热啊热～城里城外的人，永远都是不满足，似乎没有多少人是满意生活的，但的确有些人每一天下来都用各种各样的方式告诉自我，要学会满足生活的一切。。。

很烦，很绝望。。。就像昨天很开心说自己的actual moving on。。。但是后来一转念又觉得，什么呀～好像也没有～许多事情的解决，可能是自己无法预料的一瞬间，那么我一定一定不能放弃信念，一定一定～也许，下一刻，就会有开心的事情发生了～春，之将至～还是加油～[face42]
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第一次拒人拒得这么犹豫～我还是很任性～点了发送以后，很久也不能平静～我真的真的不想伤害任何人～请，一定要，原谅我～we are still friends~

回想起来，一年又大半年，我都没有触碰过感情了～比起毕业以后三年多我一塌糊涂的感情生活～这段时间，真的很安静，我很多次恍惚，自己是不是回到了大学时代，单纯而宁静的生活～我也觉得这种宁静快结束了，只不过I’m not ready yet~但，有一天，我一定会准备好的～

I sent a thank note to Daniel yesterday for the dinner thing~and I wondered why I was so nervous to be waiting for his reply~is there anything that you never get but you indeed care too much to lose once you get it?Maybe that’s it~I’m really really grateful for his help, which I bet he doesn’t know at all~of course, I also soooo appreciate what Weiwei couple did for me~It IS they who help me eventually take the actual moving on~the first moving on in my life, which I’ve been waiting for so long time and have no idea what it would be like and when it could happen~and now I did know~I’m not in a relationship with anyone anyway~but I strongly feel the move~alright~talked too much about this exciting thing~anyway, thanks~god, friends...I should say I’m lucky~

The more interesting thing was his reply, which was soooo out of my expectation~those sweet words that I haven’t heard for more than one and a half year~I just realized I didn’t hold my hands with any male friend for long long time~I just gave myself a great break for the love thing~I was tooo tired~and I feel so relieved that I’ve been living quietly and freely for the one and a half year~

Those I wish to be parts of my memories eventually got to be my memories, and will never hurt me again~

BTW, I want to write something about this morning’s mess in my house~the water pipes were all frozen under the incredibly frigid weather condition~and I had no water to use~I got to know I AM the person who can not live without WATER~I’m actually Pisces~

I can’t deny it’s a beautiful day with long-time-no-see sunshine~also, I can’t agree more it’s the coldest day we’ve been through so far this winter~but, I don’t care~I believe all of us will survive, like what we have been working hard for, and the happiest life for everyone of us is yet to come~

I was invited to a small polish dinner yesterday~I said little, and drank little, but I did have a lot of fun~I love people being there, from Poland, France...~to be honest, I only love my country’s food and western desserts~but there’s no harm at all to taste something new,like polish bigos~having a taste is not a bad attitude~my aunt and uncle told me so~almost everybody told me so~then I’m trying to move on to have a taste~then I think I did that~it’s such a smooth move~someday I suddenly realized I didn’t care the person I’ve been caring for so long time~what a feeling~it’s a feeling that I have expected for so long time and failed thousands of times~and at the moment I thought I could never never get through~then I almost moved on and got through~which tells me~sometimes you think life sucks~but if you keep trying, there’s at least once you’ll hit the probability and hold the chance to move your life to a desirable level~and that’s also the moment you are growing up and getting mature~

这部片子，我也数不清是第几次看了，情义无价，成长成熟～大概是在我最软弱的时候给我一些振作的理由吧～

此时此刻，我的确需要振作的理由～

全年最短暂的二月，足以让人最珍惜，感谢父母给我生命，在那个所有人听来都会惊讶的日子～今年，仍旧是fake生日，我只希望，明年，我能开开心心过生日，有爱有家有工作～

I’m not a gym girl, but sometimes people do something not just for their types, but for their needs~then I went gym with Amy for several times, and I think I’ll keep doing it~to keep fit and lose weight both~

I was not in a good mood, but I did have a nice talk with my mom yesterday, which I thought I tried my best to let her relieve...I still don’t know where I’m going, this is just such a frustrated question for me, and I don’t know when I can get the answer. I’m still thinking~my friends might think I’m a nice person, but that couldn’t prove they believe in my capabilities, this could make me sad sometimes, and I can not bear such kind of being looked down upon, even they said nothing~I might be too sensitive or overreact, but that’s who I am, and I trust my own feeling so much, my sensitiveness never failed~and I also know the reason, I just need the result of job-hunting to prove myself~just need it~

The weather is cold , but at least it’s sunny~I wish I could predict my furture, with my 100% efforts~like what I did for my friends~I wish, hope and pray~

到底深爱是什么？是看到妈妈一句“很想听你的声音”，我就毫不犹豫地上网寻找她，并且迟迟不想挂断电话，我知道此刻我有多么软弱，又是多么需要人的支持。。。而当全世界人都各顾各，我知道远方的她始终视我如珍宝，不离不弃，有多少感动，那便是深爱，我于是投向了这种deep emotion，是我于任何人处都无法得到的。这个人，让我始终无法有勇气放弃世界和生活，让我始终告诉自己要前进，要坚强，要用心用手创造自己的未来。。。深爱与被深爱。。。

Yes, if I’m correct, this is the third Friday that snows~I just hate the weather so much~

The other day Meredith wrote the story about "Welcome to Holland", which touched so many people, I was supposed to paste the article here to remind myself, yes, no matter where you are landing, you should enjoy what you have already had, and that is supposed to be the right attitude toward life~people commented with consents and their family stories, which were also touching~and made me believe people in the world are same, appreciating love , acceptance...

I don’t know how to reply to Daniel’s email, beacuse of my own stress, from my current work, and my job-hunting~I’m not in the mood to spend my time companying with a friend, and I just can not help at this moment. But to be polite, what should I reply?

I’m under a huge pressure of not knowing where to go~I’m actually happy for my friends, like those who finished their studies and started a new adventure in their life...those who have had or are going to have their own families...those who reached the milestones in their life...those who began a new and romantic relationship...but I couldn’t help wondering, when my friends could be happy for me? and when can I bring at least a small piece of good news to them?Am I a real loser this season? When can I break through?

好啦，我终于眼见着一个一个朋友都可以settle down，甚至有很多让我喜极而泣，可是谁能告诉我，我自己的明天在哪里？我什么时候可以settle down～我灵性得可以预见每一个人的未来，好像我说ww的故事可以成为一个激励人的case，好像我说yichin，你就要去这所学校了，别的学校就别费劲再申请了～那我可以灵性预见一下自己的明天吗？我要好好想一想，比如，我总是在最后一刻柳暗花明，决定有些仓促，可结果总是不坏的～不知道，真的不知道～

好歹今天太阳露了露脸，可是心情大概不会因为短暂的光芒而高涨。
最意外的是妈妈的来信，说了一个她多年的朋友，竟然背地里说了她好多坏话，看了以后我真想，骂人，虽然，文明的姑娘从来不干这种事情。

生命中，生活里，暗箭一向用来铸造我们的铜头铁臂，可人心又怎么可以这么险恶呢，自己好了，并不希望别人好，自己不好了，那更是要别人比自己还倒霉才甘心。。。绵延五千年，为什么中国人的人性中劣根性从不曾少过？没有信仰的人多么可怕，或者他们的信仰就是自己，胜过一切。

虽然我慈悲，可有些东西忍了就是懦弱，注定更多次地被欺负，做人总该有些自己的姿态。古话真真有道理，人不犯我来着。那我能诅咒一下那个阿姨吗～

人说，心情不好才写日记，于是我想看看，这次，日记要写多久～转眼，月份就是2字打头，这个月，人人都知道，只有，28天！那个第29天，是我的bday！我拿什么献给我的青春末梢～

天仍旧残酷地冷着，还好jinxiang送我和Ying回家，我心情郁闷至极，就大声嚷嚷一下～可是日子怎么可以这么过下去？

除去冷，还有干燥，每晚我喝n杯水，牛奶或豆浆，橙汁或柠檬汁，再加麦片，于是我总对镜看自己圆圆的脸盘～

《相亲相爱》听得我热血沸腾，好像爸爸和妈妈啊～

我总期盼，有个人能挽救我，可是，她或者他，在哪里，还是，这个人，根本就应该是我自己～