格桑花

Several days ago, a boy told me, he’s already put his emotional involvement, and he didn’t want to ruin the base, thereafter I did compromise. And I was going to treat the boy as my ’son’, because I really wanted to. Couple of days ago, he crazily or insanely decided to get all of his wisdom teeth out at once, which totally was four. Then I cooked like a mom, although his mom did bring him a lot of stuff to eat...I companied him like a mom, I held him like a mom...I made it, would it be my true love? I’ve really really been through a lot for pursuing the deep true love in my life, and wouldn’t like to suffer more, seriously! I would make every possible effort to keep it, I would never never give up!

Yesterday I got a forwarded email from the guy I used to like in Beijing, which didn’t make me happy at all as the exciting moments in the old days. I guess those have been the old old memories, pale memories. I wish him a happy life, but that would not be related to me~we are not related anymore~

My mom went to Beijing over this holiday season for some personal reason, and I asked her if there’s any change there, her reply almost shocked me and it’s kinda heartbreaking. She said, the city didn’t change much, the biggest change came from people’s, much colder, more realistic...I knew what she meant, and what made her think that way... so I tried to comfort her and told something positive, she’s the person I care most in the world...

Alright, my mom, my dad, my friends, my big family, now plus my boy, these are the people I care a lot, the feeling of caring just makes me feel substantial, really really do...mental satisfaction...let’s call it emotional involvement...I appreciate the pure emotional involvement, really, really!

耳边是《窗外》，是《上上签》，窗外淅淅沥沥的雨，渐红渐绿的花花草草，多少往事，忍不住去想，去怀念。

昨夜一场恶梦，妈妈的遗书字字清晰，我于是又哭醒，这已经是，第二次，多么可怕。许是我对生活厌倦，许是我对未来畏惧，于是，虚的，实的，过去的，将来的，全都毫无章法混杂在一起。还有ww说起我至今仍旧无法完全释怀的那段初恋，“他根本就是在玩弄你的感情啊”，是啊，我为什么幼稚得愚蠢，而且至今仍旧执迷，哪怕第二段已结束，第三段正进行。我的这辈子好像还很长，这条路上究竟还有多少坎坷等待我，我又究竟有多勇敢，可以万劫不复。如果把对待感情的点点心思都用在学习上，现在我是不是在PhD的道路上意气风发，然而我只是读完小小硕士，就大声嚷嚷，此生再不读书，话音还未落，转身我又开始想上学了。今后还有多少人会相信我，而我又会去相信谁，又能去相信谁？

我笃定自己完全无法用英文表达清楚如此复杂之情绪，只好抱着自己的laptop，对着刚拔完四颗智齿，完全不能笑，沉迷于2007 football draft的BF，沉下脸，沉下我的情绪，全都发泄在我的母语文字上。可是，那些老歌，那些老场景，又全都悠悠然然在我的脑海里haunt，那次爬山，那次触不及防的拥抱，还有那次的抽签，那无数次我的小姐脾气和他的安慰鼓励，是我为什么不能忘，不想忘的原因。就算是玩弄，我可能输得一塌糊涂，但也可能心服口服。

我给本科时候最好的室友写信说，能恋爱是福气，因为是福气，我没理由拒绝，so I took it。。。但是，那种情窦初开的绽放之美，那种爱是一切的信念，那种不计较地付出，那种要了命的思念，恐怕再也不会有了。这是成长的代价，是成长的副产品，我开始take whatever, and pretend to handle well, 非常非常惊讶，非常非常，不说挥挥拳头就喊加油的激情年代已逝，现在的自己恐怕自己都认不清楚了。

Alright, I have no idea what I’m talking about, forgive me~the weather turned to be great, so I’m expecting a great day tomorrow!

The theme of the most recent episode of Grey’s was DESIRE. Everyone has desires, from the smallest thing you could not even notice to the biggest ones, which we call ambitions. You could be a normal person with some small desires, or you could be an ambitious one with the biggest ones, different desires, different lifestyles, different lives...it totally depends...all you need is the right attitude!

I was having a serious talk with ww on the way to shopping yesterday, and I wondered what I was doing for the past years, like quitting my job, avoiding every possible love in my life, desiring to come here to being tortured. Definitely that’s not what I want, but I was doing that, and then got totally lost by myself, wasting time, wasting love, wasting life...thinking about these could definitely make me negative and depressed, so I’m always trying not to think about these, talk about these with people, but that’s not the right attitude, and that’s why I’m so painful, because it seems I could never make my questions or confusions or problems be worked out. I’m not ambitous at all, or I was too ambitious to be on the right track with the right attitude? That’s confusing, life is confusing...even so, can I wish something, something lucky that would happen on me? Can I? This is one of my desires...Let’s see~

Ok, the interview was done, just 4 minutes, because we talked about the visa issue, and then it’s like a stop sign and I could never never move forward because of the damn visa! Words failed me, that’s only what I could say!

I definitely have no idea this would be so hard till now~so it seems I have no choice but only the decision I’ve made...so I’m trying my best to make it possible~

When you feel your world is down, all around you is darkness, then the God will send you at least a bundle of light to show you the way, to give you some courage to support to live. So today I got a phone call from Harvard University, Graduate School of Education for the position I applied couple of days ago. The person calling was pretty nice, pretty pretty nice, even we talked for just two or three minutes to schedule the interview time, I felt strongly that way. At least, he’s like the God this time and sent me hope.

I’ve been depressed for long long time since my last trip to NYC and the interview with LB. And now it’s Harvard, the dream place for thousands or millions of students all over the world. Ok, it’s not for study this time, but I got the chance to talk to people there, and it’s definitely my pleasure. No matter whether I could get the job or not, I cherish the opportunity, really really do...

We swing between hope and despair, almost always, and that’s supposed to be everyone’s life, no exception...we need to understand, finally...

Good luck!

BTW, to some extent, in my now hard time, Daniel is always there to support me, mentally, so I got to admit again that he should be my love, seriously...

Sunshine faded away...

Sometimes I’m feeling my life is stuck while anyone else’s is moving on and on and on...but I really have no idea how to keep going or motivate to go...I need an engine,maybe.

Li had a serious talk with me about my future, as she was leaving, she said, just do whatever you want to make yourself happy, that’s it, that’s all about life, nobody can control you. She was telling the truth, which I’ve already understood, anyway...But understanding doesn’t mean you can make it, that’s the truth as well.

But now I do know I should focus on my upcoming test, and that’s something I could do now. So don’t waste time and please continue... I would not feel empty once I get myself into it, I guess. Then, thinking about the talk, which may happen tomorrow with the Prof., I’m a little bit nervous about it, ok, I don’t care the result, but somehow I probably care the possible denial...I should ask God to bless me...really really, I need that!

The list and the options:
1. Could stay and apply for my PhD successfully, and get to keep my relationship;
2. Could not stay, but still keep applying and come back later to keep the relationship and keep up my life at school;
3. Could not stay, and give up the idea of coming back, also give up the good relationship I’m having, and start my new career, my new love in China.

I could not tell which one is the best, or the worst...life is tough, challenging, and unpredictable, all the time...all I need is a positive attitude to keep focused, keep aimed, and do whatever I could to try to reach the goal , no matter how hard it would be, and how many failures I need to confront...continuing means never never to stop...

我大概从来没有如此渴望安静规律的周一的到来，我终于在周日的傍晚，洗了衣服，收拾了屋子，坐在我的宝贝laptop面前有了片刻安静，这还是我，争取来的，否则要再加上一个outdoor BBQ,是多么可怕而让人难以想象。。。于是12点没到，我已经撑不住上了床，梦里居然梦到妈妈得了cancer，我大哭至醒。。。那些泪根本不是梦！

上个周末，我第一次象party animal一样活了三天，整个人快散了架，开始是周五艳阳高挂，我被迫被迫被迫去参加了GSA每年一度盛大的wine-tasting party，那些法国人，波兰人，土耳其人，美国人，应该还有好多印度人，韩国人，中国人。。。总之我眼花，只记得满眼都是人，都是端着酒杯的人，说着，叫着，跳着，而我的脸红和寒战一阵一阵，终于被我熬到了回家的时候，可是要知道，接下来还有周六和周日呢。那天最满意的可能也只能算是到家后Daniel的追加电话一个，因为每次他都要看着我进门，而那一天并不是他开车。

周六，继续艳阳，我打算配合盛装，韩式小上衣，蓬蓬裙，加上ann taylor的小鞋子，午餐大概我还能够relax，因为是最好的朋友们一起，Daniel去了只为homemade dumpling，其实中文他一句也不懂。看了Aaron的京剧表演，吃到了ww妈妈亲手包的饺子，实在是很开心。晚上，我坐在一堆已经是四年同学的化学系PhD中间，听他们谈化学，谈老板等等等等，颇象个纯洁的无知少女。。。我想我最enjoy的就是中国主人家的各种中式冷盘还有萝卜炖牛肉，那一天我有了大进步，说的是品酒方面，我喝了，四杯红酒。。。大家告别的时候已近午夜，Daniel没让我回家，他只说，don‘t go away, 于是，面对着自己号称要当儿子对待的人，我终于没有说no，可是没有shower，没有自己的床，没有自己的各种香氛四溢的cleanse, gel, lotions，我怎么都睡不着。失眠原来如此痛苦。。。

周日的早上，我开始就晕晕乎乎，而且面容憔悴，镜子里自己都不愿意多看。可是推不掉的还有中午的同学聚会，虽然我已经累得完全说不了话。去的倒是这里最好的一家Gypsy Cafe，brunch，非常棒，于是下午去gym锻炼，我带着残存的一点点力气向Amy极力推荐，上帝啊，我最喜欢的还是我的朋友们，看到Amy后，我还能在跑步机上跑30分钟，再加十分钟器械，看，人的极限多么厉害。

晚间八点，夕阳终于开始西下，我想我再也不会有这样的周末了，而且我永远也不会做party animal, seriously...

对我来说，整个周末唯一的意义大概是deeply felt the so-called emotional involvement from Daniel, which was sweet and touched me a little bit... I like the boy in many ways, maybe more and more...

终于睡了八小时，平静周一，一切如常，见到亲爱的大家，我的生活依旧，要珍惜，要热爱，还有我身边的人！

Starting from the afternoon of last Thursday, we finally happily could embrace the sunshine these three days, with all the gatherings from morning til’ night...this is kinda crazy...I went to a huge wine-tasting party last night with Daniel at Pitt Aquarium sponsored by GSA, where provided 32 wines all over the world, people drinking, chatting, dancing, dressing nicely, which was totally the American style that I only saw on some TV show...I was reluctant to go first, but finally I compromised anyway...it was a nice experience for me...

Then today, two gatherings, first was at noon for a traditionally homemade dumplings party at Ww’s new apartment, which was very very nice, the cozy apartment, with all the familiar friends around...tonight, I’m not so sure, another wine-tasting party at Ke’s home, I may or may not talk too much, but I’ll go for Daniel...that’s all...

And then tomorrow I’ll be meeting my old classmates Carol and Natalia for a brunch, haven’t seen them for almost a year, so that should be a nice gathering to see each other again. I do know my English has improved a little bit, but I’m sure tomorrow it will be tested:)

To be honest, I’m just trying to match my mood to the fabulous weather and all the gatherings, they are fun and I could possibly be enjoying, but I’m so worried about my future, even the other day Daniel sent me a long email about his feeling of the inspiring thing, which was so touching, and ww wrote something about how to appreciate every moment, thinking about the Va. Tech massacre...that’s true, we always say, life is too short, and so fragile...but when the worries are there, you easily lose your mind of the appreciation thing, which you are having...and just focus on all the worries, the worries themselves would never go away, so we need to work hard to get rid of them.

Anyway, anyhow, it’s almost the last moment, and I’ll have my last try, who can tell there would be no miracle, at least, I’m starting liking the guy, the real liking...at least, the lovely sunshine is around...we love it!

It’s Carnival time, again, and I enjoyed the once-a-year funnelcake with Ying and Amy later this afternoon after gym time~maybe too oily to digest, that’s what Ying said:) Anyway, sometimes you could enjoy something that’s really rare, even itself is not good enough...

Or you don’t realize you are having something which others are longing for long time...like my sleep...Daniel has a big problem with his sleep, which he defines it’s from his boss’ stress...Li has a sleeping problem, too, which comes from her baby...I’m never gonna know the pain, never...that’s why I can say, wish you a good sleep, but I won’t truly understand them, or their pain...something, easy to say, hard to deal with...

There’s only one piece of news recently in the US, the freaking gunshot...we are kinda tired of talking about it...if something is so far away from you, you are easily shocked, but also easy to calm down, because the pain is just not on you...how could I be really thoughtful, maybe I would never make it...Around noon, there was a police investigation going on near our building, too, it’s said a suspicious bomb in a car...I read from the news there were 36 schools in CA lockdown today because of some warning related to gunshot...is it a part of carnival?

Is it about the email I sent this morning? I’ve been waiting for a greeting email for almost the whole night, but I would never get it...I guess...it’s not a big deal at all, but somehow I do care...sometimes I care tiny things too much to keep myself on the right track...so annoying, I mean , myself...

Got something interesting from xian, she’s a pretty and smart girl, also almost my favorite...what a coincidence, she’s watching Grey’s, too...Grey’s, Grey’s now is my favorite, too...

Cited from Grey’s: Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds...

Today earlier in the morning, the shooter ID of Va. Tech Massacre was figured out by police, the victims’ as well...I read some profiles of them, and was feeling so sad about their families...Matt and Meredith were reporting on campus this morning on Today, when I first heard Meredith’s voice, I almost couldn’t help crying, facing the tragedy...I’m apparently not strong enough, but this is the true way we show our emotional response...Bless all those families, and all the survivors...

I need to quote Daniel’s email here today as a mark, because it was really out of my expectation, the long long one...which touched me so much...reading the email, I almost got to admit, this is really a nice boy, and he should be my boy, ever...

"I could not sleep last night and I woke up many times during the night.
Mostly, I was thinking about my chemistry papers and our conversation.

I still think that your mother is too hard on you, so you may need to find
someway to 1) accept that she will not change and will always be concerned
(because you are her only child); but then 2) find a way to make yourself
happy, do what you want, and forget about her pressure. Your "peace of
mind" is most important. You may have to say "enough is enough" and start
to ignore her unwarranted comments. I know that she is your mother and that
she loves you, but if her pressure is giving you so much stress, then it is
unhealthy, and you need to find some way to relieve the stress and be happy
(even if the only way is to ignore her comments).

And don’t feel like you are alone. You have me and you have your friends
for support. And furthermore, you are not alone in your indecision about
your future. Many students feel this way, especially today because there
are so many options. I read some newspaper articles about this exact
situation. And I remember that you said there are many Chinese students
with Masters degrees, but there are even more students without degrees, and
you also have degrees from good schools, so I am confident that you can find
a job if that is what you choose.

Well, when I started this email, I did not plan to write that long part,
haha. But I guess I thought about it last night, while I was lying in bed,
and it just started coming out as I typed."

Isn’t it nice to have such a big boy holding you, supporting you always~even I’m cold-blooded, I do need to show my favor to him...he deserves...

The day before yesterday, I was having kinda a nightmare, that was just about myself...then yesterday when all the US news was flooded with the nor’easter flooding,cancelled flights, I was guessing that would be today’s major topic...Turned out I was totally wrong this time...at least after noon...

I was planning to have my lunch at 1pm so that I would be able to avoid the crowd...when I stepped into the student lounge, some of my friends were talking about like ’we should enjoy today’,’who knows what would happen tomorrow’...this is actually an old talk topic of ours, but I was wondering what made them talk about this again...then there it was...the freaking-people-out campus gunshot tragedy at Va. Tech...OMG...from then on, nobody would care about the flooding any more, nobody...I’ve been reminded always recently, life is short, and today it’s convinced again...life IS short...just let the worries go...

The nasty day went on when Amy and I were going to attend a graduate farewell dinner, the scary wind, rain, what a Spring...then the more ridiculous thing happened...I registered twice to order my dinner, but my name just didn’t show up on the sign sheet...and the director refused to let me in, and really showed a bad attitude, which was sort of unacceptable for me...finally Amy and I went to enjoy some Korean noodle and homemade icecream, which could definitely cheer us up...then as promised, Daniel gave Amy a ride home...

I had a serious talk with Daniel, he did show his support and love(maybe) to me...I refused to attend a GSA party, and he’s kinda disappointed and said we would talk about it later...I really didn’t have the mood to kiss anyone, then he said like something in the TV show, ’you don’t like me’, what was I supposed to say...I do or I do not...life is confusing , sometimes, or always...I was defined as a tough, complicated , smart, beautiful girl, am I?

Bad day, still, not only for myself...what about the whole nation?

Another rainy day, dark, everywhere in the city...it’s said there was a flooding near Long Island, and 300 flights got cancelled at NY...what’s wrong with our earth mother...Is she tired or sick?Is that supposed to be kinda a revenge or something?

I was ugly this morning when I got up and saw myself from the mirror, puffy eyes...I knew it since last night, after the long-time cry...they should be this way...then how could I deal with them...I just don’t know...I’m having a big headache as well, and maybe need two days to recover...I need a hug, I do need...

I was checking the education graduate school rankings on US News, this is something I did several years ago, I never thought I would do it again years later...but now I’m doing it, I was feeling my passion, my desires, my past experiences, those invaluable days, those gone days...would all of them come back to my life?

I guess the only happy thing today is that I got my first tax refund from the city treasurer, ignoring the tiny amount, that means I was doing the right thing, I’m having the capability to do the right things...so I definitely someday somehow will make my dream come true, now I’m just closing to the dream...I’m trying, and I’m working on it...

It’s about yesterday, a bad day of mine...I did have a nice dinner with my close friends, enjoying crazy mocha’s cheesecake, traditional Japanese lamen and dessert, chatting something about our classmates, the school things...maybe I spoke too much at that time, and then when it turned to the time that I was supposed to be talking to my mom, I was forced to keep silent by her yelling, which scared me so much, I didn’t know how to response, I really did not...this has happened before, in Beijing, now it came back...my dad turned to be really nice today, which touched me a little bit...I did know what my mom was mad about, so maybe it’s my fault to offend her first, and I got all the punishments...

A bad day, really really bad day...could tomorrow be better? That seems the same question for everyday...

Dear god!

I’m lazy, again...I’ve been keeping going to school everyday from Monday to Friday since last summer, never fails...but today, I’m off, thinking about the severely chilly weather going on...Amy started looking for me on MSN around 11am asking if I want to get any food from UC, apparently everybody assumes I should have gone to school everyday...sometimes you break the rule without notifying...which means if someday something happens abruptly, you are not supposed to be surprised at it, because you are an adult who’s been through too much and is supposed to know all about the "all-of-a-sudden" thing...I mean it, because I’m thinking I’m really growing up and know what I’m doing and how to take the full responsibilities for what I’ve done, or am going to do...and I can kinda accept everything that is in front of me...

So, I’m off today, to give myself a rest, to give myself a chance to think over, to give myself the time to restart...the real restart...

Should I talk about this topic more or not~I actually have no idea at all~it’s all about life, everyday, everyone, on the planet...we are all living our lives, making our lives special along our own ways, comparing our lives with others’ to either motivate or show off...sometimes it’s complicated, sometimes it couldn’t be simpler...life is life...how smart should we be to handle it?

Xx sent me a link about an amazing girl, whose age/background/experiences, especially the face impressed me so much~how many amazing girls would I see in my life? And how many lifestyles would I see in my life? It’s such a big world, which I couldn’t measure at all~sometimes I’m so enjoying the diversity, but sometimes I really couldn’t handle the overwhelming information...

Finally I was trying to get my feeling of kiss back, then I did, to be honest it was not so good...but the question is, did I really have some feeling to do so, or I just did by doing so...I’m feeling I’m so selfish, seriously...

Totally out of my mind, and will be back tomorrow...

More than ten years ago, I guess I was so embarrassed to let my dad know that my period finally came...more than ten years later, I’m ok to speak with every boy, who I just knew or knew well, about it...I’m totally a lady now and I shoud have known it’s natural and there’s no need to hide at all...I’m writing because it’s torturing me now, actually I’ve seldom been tortured by this over the past decade, I’m wondering why it’s so unfair between men and women...we need to suffer from this for years, plus we need to give birth at least once...both of which are painful out of the imagination by boys...

Last night Amy was done with her last car stroll at Pitt wih us, shopping at Walnut, eating at Sq. Hill, and then shopping at GE, sending me home...this morning, after long time process, she finally got relieved by selling out her car...from now on, her life will be becoming simple, just between school and home...one month later, she will present at the Lion City, driving her brand new Toyota...we say sometimes life is out of control, but sometimes it’s right on the schedule and totally controlled...I guess each part should be nice...

I met Daniel last night, too...he insisted, so I compromised, but still I took my 40-min shower before the meeting...thinking about nowhere to go, we went to the Mt., the Mt. where could recall me so much but I didn’t care any more...the weather was too cold to enjoy, even the timing was just so perfect to see the post-baseball game fireworks...but I did enjoy the company, I was even feeling I was looking at him just like what Derek did for Meredith:) I guess I got so hooked on Grey’s, it’s really an awesome one, which deserves to be recommended to everyone I knew.

I’ve almost decided the date of going to visit my friend at Cleveland, it would be a nice trip, for the old friends, and for the new friend as well...I’m kinda looking forward to...

The damn weather could make my say nothing, so, alright, I’ll take all we got and keep fighting~no way to give up...

I read a long article from sina this afternoon about China University Entrance Exam transformation, god, it’s been 30 years since its reopen. The article involved some people, who I guess are at the same age as my parents, suffering from the wrong decision made by government at that time...they are doing well now actually, like my dear parents, or my aunts, uncles...time, again, made them be strong, grow up...juggle with all the following consequences...I should be proud of them...

Ww pumped the same questions to me this afternoon, all about my future...I had no idea and got so confused and frustrated again, even didn’t know how to simply reply to Daniel till he called me later...he wasn’t helpful because he would never understand my situation, it’s kinda like an obstacle of our communication, and maybe would never work out...maybe I need a hug, or some comfort...I wish I could have tomorrow...

Amy finally sold her car out, it’s like a reminder she’ s going home soon~sad to think about this, so I’m gonna stop and wish tomorrow a better day...

P.S. I got citi’s rejection letter again, and I’m not going to reapply, and I don’t care any more...if there’s something you don’t care, then it has no value at all...citi? so what?

Easter Day, Bunny, colored eggs...I wish I could know the culture more...but, I am a Chinese, and I love my own culture...there’s something you’d never get into just because of the pure origin, and the following environment.

Everything was nice, Grey’s Anatomy, the dinner, the talk with mom, except for only one thing, the thing I couldn’t do and I was so wondering why...the kiss...it was true that I’d been alone for almost one and a half year, I’ve been enjoying my single life and every happy gathering with gals...but, yes, the kiss, I totally forgot its feeling, or even there comes that I don’t know how to...This sounds kinda ridiculous, but I really do not...maybe time helps...

I read some old entries today, the ones a year ago, or couple of months ago, good mood, bad mood, resolutions, trips...some would never never happen, but some did have happened...time is a magic...

Friday afternoon, no mood to work or study any more, the only mood was to go have lunch with friends to catch up with each other...so I did it...salad, sweet soup, radish&rib soup, AND chatting...very cozy , very sweet...I went shopping for some food by myself, and this time nobody could help me home, so I decided to walk home thinking that would be like going to the gym running for half an hour, plus I was holding four heavy bags in my hands...when I got home, I was kinda exhausted, but happy, and rewarded myself with three swiss chocolate truffles.

At the night, I got to meet Daniel after another week, and we did have a happy chat for several hours, about life stories, politics, and being a human being...many different topics, and time flew, the first time being with him, I felt that way...the pity was that he kept talking, even didn’t notice the need to give both of us some water...he’s a boy, a boy who needs his mother’s taking care, still...in the end, he held me tightly and gave me a polite kiss on my cheek, and that was acceptable for me...we were supposed to meet today for dinner...maybe I should hope another nice night...

My life went back to be pure again, family, friends, study, gym, healthy food...so I guess that’s why I’ve been feeling so calm...keep up...

P.S. Two years ago, I got my first US visa in Beijing, from that day on, I started looking forward to my new life, my new adventure, today I’m feeling it’s just so fun...

I once wrote here, don’t know if the Spring will go away and let the winter torture us again...now it comes...the day before yesterday I was happily able to walk home with Ying, enjoying the sunshine and the blooming flowers everywhere, look now what we get...winter jacket, scarf...my roommate told me she hates the weather, absolutely so do I...

I was depressed for a couple of days, and refused to see Daniel in the cold weather...it’s not good for meeting...I was wondering why my mood always goes with the weather...

I tried pho for today’s lunch, it tasted not bad, but made Amy and myself feel sick in the afternoon...gosh, do I really suppose that I can only eat Chinese food?

Tired and wish I could have a better tomorrow...well, Daniel said he always wanted to see me and hold me, that sounds nice...

I’m a little bit surprised that I’m not in a good mood today, maybe it’s about the coming period. So here’s the rule, when I feel so depressed, and then I guess my period would be coming soon...don’t know actually whether it’s true or false, because I always fail to remember the date, but still it could be a good explanation to cheat myself.

I was reading some sample issue articles last night before going to bed. After going through one or two of them, I couldn’t bear any more...They were just so boring, then I asked myself, could I write the perfectly boring articles after a month via practising? It’s just so ridiculous...

Daniel went to a hockey game last night with his labmate, and he said he’s so sorry about breaking the date. I was totally fine at that moment talking to him, and he actually asked my opinion by what should he do, I said enjoy the game, and I was thinking there’s no reason to force him to take the so-called by him nice walk with me, comparing with the fun hockey game, that sounded boring... but then I wasn’t feeling I was fine, seemed for me the balance was broken...I satisfied him almost all the time, whenever, whatever...I never pumped any request to him...that’s sort of unfair...so I decided not to see him today till this weekend, I have had the best reason already, the weather!

Last night I still couldn’t concentrate on my study, and that’s why today’s title is ’be focused’, 50 days to go, and I’m expecting a good result...it seems I’m going to work hard tonight!

BTW, got to know one of my friends will start his PhD this fall at Stanford after getting his another master here, again I’m feeling there are tons of amazing guys in the world, it’s really a big big world...I only wish I could see the most part of it...not so ambitious at all,^_*

I was checking the weather on Sun, and noticed there would be a steep drop of the temperature on Wednesday or Thursday, with flurries, today is Tuesday, which means the horrifying weather will be landing tomorrow, and we might be forced to be putting on the jacket again...

Today seems a regular day, I went to gym with Amy and Muli in the morning, just like what I’ve been doing since the early semester, and then shipped the book out which I sold on ebay...

Met weiwei and talked for a while, she still wanted to go to DC for the cherry blossom festival, but the time would be next weekend, and she asked me to go,too, even said she would like to invite my ex for lunch or dinner together, I was thinking I would never never show up for the get-together. It’s not about me to be awkward, maybe it’s about him...but meanwhile I guess maybe he doesn’t care at all...just myself is overconcerned. Alright, forget it...no matter how, I should spend some time in the charming Spring being with Daniel...

My prof. asked me to pick up some course packages on main campus so that again I got the chance to walk through it under the amazing weather. It was so exciting to see many young-looking faces on the way, chatting, studying, playing tennis, or even just for tanning...a typical liberal and diversified college in the US, which made me be thinking, could I stay in school, ever...

I haven’t realized this week is the traditional appreciation week until I saw a guy putting some drinks and cookies on the lobby’s table. Then there the flashback was, last year I was struggling with the final projects and my heartbreaking relationship...I looked tired and had the stong feeling of sleeping every single day...I was so worried about my future... how about this year...again, time counts...I’m optimistic about my future, I’m about to start the new relationship (I want to call him honey someday in the near future...) I’m not afraid of seeing my ex any more, I got the most rewarding friendship around,I’m getting more mature, independently dealing with all my life...is that what the appreciation week is supposed to mean? Well, maybe...

I watched one episode of Grey’s Anatomy last night, and turned out it was really good~I was surprised that I could enjoy so many TV shows here~

Alright, gonna stop now~hope tomorrow would not be too cold...

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Got to know a truth later tonight that the H1B visa cap was reached right on the first day of filing, was the world crazy...ironically, this made me sort of relieved thinking even I could have got the job offer, nobody can be so sure about the approval of the visa, based on the random computerized picking up...bless all my friends...

MSN sucks...I might never never log in...ruined my entry again...

I made a quick decision after I talked to my mom the other day, which I mentioned on yesterday’s blog, I was thinking of retaking the GRE test...and today it turned out to be a truth right after I clicked on the "submit" button at the final step of the test registration...I was charged $130, and I was scheduled on May 26 to take the test...it’s sort of challenging for myself, because I haven’t touched the topics for years and normally people need at least three months to prepare...but I like challenges, so I definitely will take it...

From now on, I’ll be buried in tons of unknown English words, short articles, long articles, issue and argument writings...

The question is what this is for? I should think about this from now on, too...it seems a much harder decision...

Yichin told me she had decided to take the offer from XXX, which kinda surprised Amy, and me as well, because we two just were so sure she would take another one...then how come...anyhow, everybody makes his/her own decisions...it’s an absolutely fair world...you make the decisions, and you take all the follow-ups...

Routines:

I just put some books on half.com to sell, and today I was selling one out~happy~

I cooked tonight, my roommate tried my dish and gave me applause...happy...

I called xx tonight, and we had a nice talk, she even mentioned once I made another decision, let her know, and she would like to refer me...happy...

My motto, do cherish what I’m possessing...

No, no, no, I’m soooooo not interested in the so-called April Fool’s Day, I mention this date because tomorrow morning, or even today there would be tons of application documents for H1B visa in the mail box, only one destination---USCIS...I’m not hoping for this any more because I so know the situation...so now I’m gonna change my strategy for my job-hunting by switching the focus to some probable nonprofits...Turns out I’m not sad, at all...

Yesterday I had a very nice talk to my mom, she and my dad showed their support to me again, which made me strong and confident, I love them always...my mom was very happy that she got to spend some time and energy in the stock market making money...actually from my point of view, it’s not about making money, it’s about that she doesn’t feel lonely...about a good mood every day...I wish they could be happy and healthy, ever...She even said she hoped that I could be back soon so that we could be with each other again. Well, I’ll have my last try here.

I’m thinking of retaking the GRE test for the sake of reapplication in case I want to do that later. So I finally got something to be fussing around after May, it seems I’ll never let myself free...am I really a crazy lady from the deep inside?

Anyway, a new month, a new goal, maybe a new relationship, a new company, a new life...GOOOOOOOOOOD LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!