格桑花

So it’s on the way again, I feel it since the tears and the down mood come back...this damn women thing, will never stop torturing me...I could be down just because of some little tiny problems, like the stupid conversation yesterday...I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to see people, even my boy, I feel he’s like a stranger, a familiar stranger, that I don’t have much to say to him...

The weather is damn hot, too...I went to gym, but I felt I was dying after that...even couldn’t breathe...I ate a lot, which is also a common pre-symptom...

Something messy is in my mind, like the future, it’s really like a mess...

I don’t want to write, but I’m just typing, like Meredith today, she didn’t write something interesting as usual either, I even couldn’t get the point...

Sometimes women are the same, people are the same...

I had a talk with Prof. about the continuity of working for him for a while, plus the application recommendation letter issue...he recommended that I should possibly contact someone in the schools that I’m interested in and try this Fall. This sounded crazy and so impossible as I was thinking, but he’s a famous and experienced, super smart Prof., so definitely I should take his advice and try hard. Again, impossible is NOTHING!!! And my fate could change anytime.

When I stopped by school this afternoon, I met Li, and she still insisted that I shouldn’t date an American guy, who is so unsecure considering from the marriage aspect. She said she didn’t know the guy, so she wouldn’t say anything about him, but she’s just trying to tell me to be careful, emphasizing the culture differences. She guessed that I would be mad about the conversation. Well, the truth is that I won’t get mad or something, I would be just confused. It’s like a dilemma. If I take her advice, seems like I need to break up as soon as possible to avoid the hurt later. If I don’t take hers and continue, then someday I would get hurt as she thinks. And I don’t know what to do. I met some disgusting Chinese guys, but I would not say there’s no nice Chinese guy, the thing is I’m just taking whatever happens in my life. Being too discreet is not my style at all, and not the style I respect either. Who can tell what would happen in any given day, like if I do what the prof. adviced and someday I get the offer to start in Fall, then that would be amazing which I don’t dare to think about at all before. I used wrongly to set the marriage as a goal when I dated someone, turned out that’s totally wrong...the point should be the development. Marriage is a result, not the goal. I mean she’s nice to warn me, and I should keep this in mind, but I won’t give up the way I’m dealing with this issue, I believe in true love. And I’m growing up. I’m responsible for all the decisions and choices I make.

Now I’m dating, and I’m developing and I’m growing, I wish things would work out in the near future. And the premise is that I would try my best, there’s no free cookie as said!

The voice could be positive, negative, and sometimes it hurts and is hard to accept firstly. But since it’s from a sincere friend, just keep in mind, which won’t do harm.

I wish I could have the consecutive 4 th Memorial Day on this land...which means I definitely will be back next Spring!

I did something shocked myself, or amazed myself this morning...I know, I know, I’ve been an adult already and I should be able to be responsible for myself...when the ’I love you’ just slipped out of the boy’s mouth, not to his mom this time, but to me, I got to admit I was so so so happy to hear about that...it’s not the *** that made me excited, it’s just the three simple words...I didn’t respond like ’I love you, too’, but I will do someday...this is the day I have to mark as of my sensibility...

I was done yesterday, and I told everyone I got the fair scores (it’s true it’s enough for the application), which actually I think can not satisfy myself, or even get me down a little bit...Can I really be a good and responsible student again? I was running at the last minute, but turned out that was really not enough...so I got to know that, and I would not make it happen again. The only thing that can comfort me (let’s say probably, because I need to wait for three weeks to get my writing scores...) was the writing part. I’ve been here for two years reading and writing at school, or in my everyday life...so I should be able to get used to that...before the test, I was really nervous about if I could finish in time or not...but when I started to write, I actually wrote very fast and had a clear idea, which made me confident that I should be able to get a satisfying score, at least I could get one part to satisfy myself, I do feel that way, like the strong feeling about myself this time...I even finished the tentative writing part after all the four sections. I appreciate so much that Ying called me twice to check with me how’s the thing going...my person...

Then I’m going to try to move on to the next step, which seems more important, the PS part. I would be dedicated, I promise...

I don’t know why, but after I went to gym this morning, I was feeling so exhausted...and I am really getting older and older...maybe...

I’ve decided to go to the wedding with Daniel in the middle of July, which would be nice, and the reason is that I haven’t attended any wedding for several years, plus I want to witness the traditional American style wedding, it could be a fresh experience for me, and it’s real, not just from the TV show.

Alright, I’m going to be a housewife now, doing laundry, taking a shower, cleaning the house...can you believe sometimes the routine I’m compulsive to do could make me so tired of...

People can challenge themselves as many as they want to as long as they live...I was thinking I would not be that kind of people taking risks always, running here and there always, being uncerain always...but now I AM that kind of person already...and I’m enjoying it...tomorrow I would challenge myself again, I hope I could survive that, to be honest, I’m not ready yet, but by the time tomorrow I would say, I’m ready!

Ww once said, it’s not about the blessing that really works, what would really work is hard work itself...she’s so right, and for the past few weeks, I was not working so hard as the extreme, but I was working hard, getting up early, keeping all the thing in mind,trying to get all the practice and materials...I was working hard, and I should be ready...the bright and shining future is on my hand!Still, oil, oil...

Sunny as always, and I could not get up as early as several days ago like 7am or even earlier...I just want to adjust my biologic clock, to make sure that I could be fully awake from 12pm to 6pm...yes, that seems a long period, but I should be, especially for tomorrow...and then I would be enjoying some BBQ later to get myself relaxed with Daniel on the roof of Wojtek’s building, how I wish I could read Jane Austen to spend my day, plus cooking and writing PS...what a beautiful life...

Last night, I was reminded that I should find out some ’jijing’ to read, I was trying to do that, turned out I couldn’t find any, but yesterday when I tried google again, I found some out, which is definitely helpful for my test, but seemed a little bit late...no, impossible is nothing as told, and I still have time...so I’m kinda screwed today, being ambitious to finish all the reading and practicing stuff...am I? I need to, no matter how late I’m going to bed, all I’m doing today would be rewarded tomorrow, I hope...oil, oil...

Some of my good friends are really happy to know about my new relationship, and can’t wait to talk to me on MSN, asking for some pics to look...yes, I’m happy about that too...till now I’m just feeling I’m getting more and more involved, which is good for a healthy relationship that I want so much...keep up...

I’m not standing at the point of achievements like some of my friends who graduated this year, I’m actually standing at another intersection of my life, and need to make my mind about the direction...nobody can know what would happen in any given day as Daniel told me, he’s right...like I have no idea about my mood tomorrow 6pm, would I be happy about what I would get...but first of all, make sure I’ve tried my best, which at least would not give myself any regrets...when you want to achieve something, first carefully get it done...still, I wish I could do a great job tomorrow...oil, oil...waiting for good news...

This week is for my upcoming exam preparation, and I’m purely staying at home practicing, but still I got myself some chances to go out enjoying the summer air, which I’ve been waiting for long time and is really something that I can not miss...so Tuesday I went to school’s bookstore and the Cathedral of Learning and yesterday I went out for a walk with my sweet boy, plus I need to give him the gift I prepared for him...

The walk we took was around his old neighborhood, with a park nearby, everything was as nice as I could imagine, the green trees and flourishing flowers, the tranquility of summer dusk, and I just walked and updated him some of my simple life. I don’t know since when it has changed, but it did happen that I would not feel being with him is like an obligation or even burden, I would not feel relieved by saying good-bye to him, instead I feel happy to see him and I even don’t want to say good-bye to him, ever...this is something that really really surprised myself...and now when I get the chance to talk to my friend, I tell everyone that I’m in love with the guy, without any hiding...I was thinking he might forget about the 6 months thing, but still I’m happy enough to ignore this, just being with him for a while...so last night when he suddenly gave me a card at the moment we were saying good-bye, it was a surprise for me indeed...I had no idea where he put it before he gave it to me...ok, I did mention on Sun. there’s such a day like a sign of 6 months...but I’m happy that he knows me well, and he knows that I care about time all.I had been through a lot of disappointment from my previous relationship or even the fake relationship. Sensitive as me, it’s so hard for a careless boy to know what I’m thinking, what I’m caring, the truth is that I don’t care like money, products of top brands, such kind of materialism thing, the only thing I care is feeling, the feeling that he could always keep me in mind, the feeling of even getting a little tiny surprise, or the feeling that he just knows and gives me what I want, a hug, a kiss, a word at the appropriate moment, yes, that’s the only thing I care to satisfy my mind, to get myself the spiritual pleasure...I’m living for the feeling of love...a typical Pisces...

So the card is a pretty simple happy anniversary card, where he added the "6 months" part, but the card means something to me, and is exactly the feeling I want...so thanks for his taking care always...

Talking about my preparation, the more time I’m given, the more I panic, it seems I would never be well prepared. So many words that I don’t know, so many articles to read, and even the math part, I need more time to practice...the point is there’s only one more day to go, and then I’ll take the test....it should be fine since I’ve stayed here for two years, and have got used to the way of thinking, the language environment...but still when you want to achieve the best, you always think about the worst scenario...it doesn’t mean I’m not confident, maybe it means I just take it so seriously...it’s a positive attitude though...

My mom was happy that she said finally I could think something the same way as her...it’s true, the connection between my mom and me would never diminish, she’s the person who gave me life, brought me up, educated me and the one I care the most in the world...I’m happy too that we could think the same way...

I’m getting old enough to restart my career in a big, famous, good-paid company, which I had done for three years in Beijing before I came to the US. But turned out I so ignore this not as most of people in my age. And that’s why I wouldn’t hesitate to decide to go to graduate school again even I’m so out of the appropriate age. But who can tell me what the official age is for people to stop studying, it seems there’s No such an age at all. Being a student or an employee is definitely a personal choice and nobody would say anything about this getting wrong or not. So I’m going to chase my dream without stop, I’ll pay and I’ll gain...

Even Amy is not around anymore,and she’s enjoying her life at her hometown, she’s still my Amy and replies all my long emails with even longer ones, to update, to communicate...she mentioned she’s reading Jane Austen, which made me think why I could not read something like this as well, just starting from Jane Austen. I’m always a quick decisionmaker of myself. I checked the book on Amazon and spent less than $20, and several days later, I could be enjoying reading when I’m getting so bored with all the shows were over for the Spring season. It’s a student attitude anyway. And I suddenly realized I so enjoy the status of being a student, even preparing GRE is really really painful, which needs you to remember some words you would never use later...

I wrote a long English email to my cousin, and I haven’t written to him for long long time, and it’s time for catching up with each other, although my mom updated me some of his life in Canada. We grew up under the same roof, sharing our childhood with so many sweet memories, of the hometown, of the big family, of our school. He’s even my BF or husband model, which I did see some from Daniel.

Time still flies, no matter for year, month or even just one day...I’m having a lot to review, but I’m confident to achieve something I want, and I should as well...

It’s been exactly half a year since the first day I knew the guy I’m in love with now...thinking about that I probably could not be around and celebrate the anniversary with him half a year later, I decided to mark today instead, which he might not notice...anyway, boys are always not as sensitive as girls...I bought a mug from school’s bookstore for him to mark, even though I can not see him today, even though he has a lot of mugs, this is going to show my appreciation to him, and this is what I want to do...

Six months are usually too short to remember compared to people’s long life, but for me, the past six months were really something, something helped me out from bad memories and deep hurt, something started cheering me up, something taught me how to try to respect, trust a man and possibly share lives with him...The feeling that luckily I didn’t choose either of my previous two was so strong, and I thought this is the only guy so far I like, or I love ...I was a little bit confused about the feeling of true love, which I even asked Amy what it would be like the other day....turned out I’m getting to know now...I couldn’t help but cry when I was thinking about the past two years again and again, absolutely including the past six months...great friends, great relationship finally, even without distinction, I did improve so much over the three semesters I was done, I’m sure if I could have the fourth one, I would be graduating with honor as well...

As usual, we had some emails to greet today, at last , he wrote like "I cannot be away from my love for more than a day or two before I miss you too much :)", which took time for me to understand perfectly even I vaguely knew the meaning...sweet, always...

I walked to my test center this afternoon after I bought the mug, and it went well, I wish I could do a great job there on Saturday. Bless...my boy is there supporting me anyway...

With the final commencement coming in and going away, me taking pictures with all my dearest friends there, hugging Ying with my tears, the graduation season of 2007 has officially been over, as always, the end is also a brand-new start. Some of my friends are moving to other cities starting new career and life there, some of my friends are going to take a short break, and some of my friends are starting the new summer semester right on today. Me? I’m staying at home to prepare my upcoming exam and then will be trying to push my life to a higher and more challenging level...

Ww had a great entry for the commencements weekend, and I was so touched, sending her a long email to comment. I also got a long reply today from her, being touched again...yes, we are like real sisters, being thru the past two years with numerous "togethers"...I met so many beautiful gals both outside and inside in my life, who can cheer me up anytime, support me anytime, share lives with me all along...

I also appreciated so much that my boy could hold my hand to be supportive on the whole way back home after I was too sensitive at the reception saying farewell to Ying, he’s like my best male friend, my dear brother, being always there to understand me and care about me...to make me feel warm and secure...he made me totally recover from the deep hurt I got from last four years...

I did say, it’s over, so over...but I would rather say, it’s just such a fresh start, for all of us, a start to the next level of our life adventure...good luck, guys, including me:) We’ll celebrate together again someday!

It came without surprise that today is a overcast mixed with shower day, keeping chilly...but we are all excited about the solemn event, the 110th C** commencement, even I decided not to go, which I’ve been through last year...I’m happy for my dearest friends, who will be attending...

I checked my old email box yesterday, reading the emails on the first pages, all of which were about homework, projects, meetings...I didn’t realize that I once worked so hard, and deserved the diploma...now I’ve forgotten all the pains and sleepless nights and made my mind to restart the being-tortured journey...I don’t know if I could survive or not...but I will take it as a challenge, fighting bravely...

I didn’t like my college, but I do know I love my graduate school.I appreciate being here meeting all my dearest friends in my life, with absolute no regrets, even my love, which I’m not so sure now but will be sure later...the journey I’m taking would be getting more and more interesting, so I definitely will be enjoying it, no matter the smooth part or the bumpy part, I just know I’ll be fine...

Congrats to all my friends, again!

Sunny, but a little bit chilly, exactly like last year’s commencement day...the difference is that today my best friend here will be walking-in, with highest distinction, which is one of her New Year’s resolutions...getting so happy for her...I’m in a great relationship, not sad anymore, with full hope...what about last year, I lost my goal, got confused, didn’t dare to meet my ex...see, everything is going better and better, so I AM and SHOULD BE pretty sure my beautiful future, with someone I deeply love, sharing lives together...

Best wishes go to all my close friends here, all the best!!! To myself as well....I so want to be back next year starting my new life...with my boy...with my study...

Keep fighting with best wishes!!!!!

With the Grey’s season 3’s finale yesterday, with the two or three commencements during the following two days this weekend, we are going to the season finale, finally...we were saying farewell, packing, moving, going back to hometown...we’ve done all of those and finally, it’s the season finale time, and all of us will restart, our new life...no matter where the location is...

In Grey’s, the final scenes surprised me a little bit, I thought Burke and Cristina definitely will have a happy ending, but they didn’t; And Meredith and Derek would be with each other, deeply love each other, but they didn’t (what’s the problem with Meredith...I just couldn’t get it...); and George, Izzie, Calie...Were all of those just for the coming season to have some weird new stories, the complicated relationship...would Grey’s be attractive anymore...deeply doubt...

I feel I’m like George, the failed intern, and will be leaving soon, when someone new came up to ask for advice, what am I supposed to say as a loser...nothing, nothing to say...I’m going, I’m going back, not like anyone who will keep staying here, the land...although I’ll be coming back with my love, right now I’m leaving. I’m not sad anyway, on the contrary, I’m kinda excited about the upcoming test, and I’m going to conquer it...seriously...and then carefully prepare my application, I mean it...

Life could never stop me as I said, as long as I’m having the passion to move on...I’m going to have the happy ending with my love...typical Pisces, AB blood type...

Amy just called in and said good-bye to me before she and her hubby were heading to the airport...just wish them a safe trip back to Singapore...and also the best wishes to her new life in her hometown...

Last night Daniel invited me to a scary movie, really really scary, I even wanted to quit or cry over the movie, at the end someone was handing out the movie survey and I just felt like I didn’t want to fill out, and I didn’t like the movie at all, full of dead people, blood, violence...Daniel said he felt so sorry for inviting me, because he had no idea about the movie, either...ok, I got to say, I was not mad, just felt uncomfortable with the whole story...my boy is my boy, I will always like him...

There are 9 days to go, and I’m setting my goals and I’m going to accomplish them!!!Very soon!!!

It’s moving sale season, AGAIN...the memories of two years ago are just so fresh...the only difference between now and then is that we bought stuff in two years ago, and now we are selling stuff out...time has routines, just like the round of four seasons every year, Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and then Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter...we go to school, sort of settle down, and then we graduate, and move on, life will never stop as long as you are having it till the day you are leaving the world behind...

I returned my office keys this morning after I kept gyming with Muli, Amy would not be around any longer, but I’ll keep doing our routines...I don’t know why, but it was such a relief after I cleaned up my table, threw away all the out-of-date files...I gave my database book to Xuxu for her later study here, and I said good-bye to every friend I met. This should have happened one year ago, at my real graduation time, but I kept going to school working everyday, except for the vacations to Chicago and Florida, I never had real holidays off school, now I guess it’s the time. I definitely will be back maybe several months later, but that would be a new journey for me...life is bumpy...my parents wanted me to settle down as soon as possible, getting married, having a baby, having my routine life...and then mom told dad, that’s not what his daughter wants...she’s correct, maybe I’m so indulging in my bumpy life and I would not settle down in the short run. I have no idea what I want exactly, but I do know I’m on the way of pursuing, so I should not , and could not stop.

Now I’m going to do something that people would think so troublesome, even myself, but I’ll take it, I’ll handle it till the day I could accomplish my goals, and I know I will...everything would be clear finally...keep up!

Acknowledgement goes to Gmail to have this function to star the special emails...

This afternoon Daniel sent me an email as usual, but the actual content was so different, it’s like the email my mom sent to me two years ago, asking me to remember something. Last time, my mom told me how to be a strong person,and this time my boy just told me how to recognize myself. Both are really impressive for me. In this big world, there are always some people out there caring for you, which means you are so lucky as the email pointed out.

Here’s the quote, I need to mark as memories:

How are you on this sunny and hot day? Do you remember what I said last
night? Don’t let life’s uncertainties get you down, remember that:

1. You are beautiful.
2. You are young.
3. You are intelligent and have done well in school.
4. You have an amazing memory. How many times have I said the same thing
to you twice because I forgot and you did not? Hehe...
5. You have two college degrees from famous universities.
5. You have working experience in two different countries, China and the
US.
7. You are fluently bilingual.
8. You have potential based on past experiences. My grandfather always
told me: "past performance is the best indicator of future success." And
look, you have a Masters degree and work experience!
9. You have a boyfriend who cares for you. He might be a nerd, but he’s a
cool nerd :P
10. You have family and friends who love you and support you.

See! There are at least 10 reasons why you should feel happy! Hehe, there
are many people in the world who have 0 of those 10 things, so you are
lucky! You just have to decide what you want to do, put your mind to it,
and then you can do it!
------------------------------------
Thanks, my dear!!! I should be brave for anything...and my parents and you are the best reason for...

我的电脑，让我忧心忡忡了一个周末，今天中午，仍旧是夏阳，我抱着她去做最后的理疗，眼见xuxu&jinxiang手牵手，我大喊，考完啦～然后，在student lounge，我拥抱了yichin，她做了很棒的presentation来结束她的硕士生活，开始一段新的挑战，the PhD...于是，在上周一把ying送上去往机场的bus，周日和amy最后拥抱，今天，我所有亲爱的朋友都是masters啦～于是大家从此各奔东西，开始新生活，这就是我们的现在进行时，两年的同窗将就此成为最美丽的记忆。。。

晚上去了两次amy的apt，只是为了想念她，想念我们曾经的生活，一年前我帮她move in，一年后，我又帮她move out。。。接到她的电话，就感觉她还在这里，根本就没有离开一样，似乎来电依旧是那个熟稔的号码。

Daniel和我took a short walk，他还是尽所有的能力去鼓励我，一个男人这样坚持不懈地支持我，象极了当年，一切都象极了当年，只不过，现在进行时，身边这个人是single，我可以爱，大大方方去爱，潇潇洒洒去爱。。。一切都不是当年了，多了学习的经历，多了爱情的体会，多了一群让我刻骨铭心的朋友，我们说永远，我们知道其实没有永远，只有现在进行时～

我给老师去信，情深意切，不知道他会不会触动，我跟我妈说，我做了所有我能做的，剩下的一切都是命运，如果命运注定我要奔波，那么我一定欣然接受，决不抱怨！

我想念，我爱，我珍惜，我享受所有的现在进行时！

7am, a sunny morning, I was feeling calm, I was wondering what could stop me or what could make me lose heart, the anwser was NOTHING...so life needs to go on, study needs to go on, even job-hunting needs to go on...after long time of struggling, seeking my goal, I finally made mine clear and gave my mom an anwser, even I have no idea if this is the correct choice, or if this would change my life again...two years ago, I definitely could not think today I’ve been struggling for a year, being stronger to have the attitude of taking everything, and I’ve found my new love, who could be one of my best friends, the one I could respect and trust, after having a really really bad experience two years ago...life changed a lot out of my imagination or expectation...so where would I be two years later, would I be sitting in the office or the lib or home writing papers, would I be in a better, stabler relationship with Daniel, or a new guy? No, I can not tell, the only thing I can make sure is that I would make some actual progress and I would move on and on and on...

Staying or leaving now is not a problem for me anymore, either way I would try my best to live my life. I didn’t get the Prof.’s reply, which I think I would not care anymore, the worst result I could think about would be that I would go to return the keys and then ask him to write a recommendation letter someday for me. I’ve sincerely told him what I’m thinking and what I’m willing to do, so next there’s nothing I could do about this issue, I’ve tried my best without any regret, so that’s enough! I would not care if I could work with him longer, or even get paid, those are not my goals, so I would not care anymore, at all...what a relief, I can prepare for my application carefully for the next couple of months, and I can be with my boy, having his support always...thinking about these, I’m happy, really happy! Like I’ve thrown the huge burden away!

I believe, life would not abandon me, and me as well to it...the best is yet to come~~~

I was once telling everyone I know that I do believe fate. The feeling is like I have no idea where I’m going, and then I have to go, so I go, and then I realize that is a correct direction, and I call it fate, I’m just following the fate, and my life is bumpy and then smooth, always...

All the worries went to my laptop for the past few days, first I thought I got some virus and got it restored, but that seemed no help at all. So the night before Amy’s leaving, her hubby helped me fix the major problem. And I was still worried about the wireless connection thing, and my roommate helped me last night. The problem was simple actually, but before you know, it’s never be a simple problem. In the email writing to Leong, I even said, I do appreciate the problem to let me spend two more hours with you and Amy...that’s what I call fate...

Next life for me is so insecure, and it seems I need to worry all the time, but if I do believe fate, then I think all I need to do is working hard to follow my fate, and take whatever I’m getting, and cherish whatever I’m getting...every experience counts...Thank God!

Amy was leaving this morning heading to Missouri and then Singapore to restart her career there, saying farewell to all of us friends who are still staying in the US...I went with Qiuhan,little Aaron and Yichin to help fit all her stuff into her mini van...which seemed totally impossible and finally she left so many stuff for us to pick up later...

It was around 12:30pm, little Aaron was hungry and sleepy and we were about to leave, and there was the moment, the moment I don’t want most, to finally finally say farewell to her, after we went shopping, went farewell dinner, and God even gave me one more chance to stay longer with the girl, last night, her hubby was helping me fix the laptop problem, and then there was the moment, Amy hugged me and said good-bye. I was trying hard to hold back my tears, and when she was hugging Qiuhan, I just turned back and blinked hardly...We finally did it...

But always my tears could not be held back, and they must be released anytime afterward, so there it was, after I came home, I started crying, lying on bed, and could do nothing...all the sharing moments over the past two years were just full of my mind...and then I got a phone call from Daniel, he was just in time and comforted me later by an email and two short messages, saying his mom likes the purses...he’s sweet always, as Sisi said, and I got to admit, and I would fix the word "sometimes" to "always". The most impressive thing for me was the chemistry between us, the connection between us, even though he definitely didn’t know I was crying, but he called, and the voice might help anyway.

I’m having a bad time struggling with my career or my study, which seems so bumpy, and I even could not be sure for everything of my life, the career, the love, the family, the whole future...and I’m sentimental, worried and anxious all the time, especially for the leaving or staying thing, I just can not follow the word of "enjoy everyday’, and I’m wondering how people could make it...

Please, God blesses me, I’ll be brave and never give up anything!!!

Wish all my friends best luck! Me, as well...

Even though I’m having a bunch of fabulous friends around, even though I’m having my sweet boy supporting me always, I still feel my life sucks~just because my dear ’daughter’ laptop is sick and can not function well, the feeling is just like I lost my soul...alright, I got to admit that I can not live without it...she’s the "person" that I can not live without...

Yesterday we some gals went to Groove City for crazy shopping spending the whole afternoon, like we spent 40 min’ in Coach and got some cute bags, I got a great deal from Banana Republic, and I even got a T-shirt for Daniel, but the embarrassing thing was that I even didn’t know his size, so I just grapped the s size and hoped he could fit it...then we went to our favorite Cheesecake Factory to have farewell dinner with Amy, talking, laughing, telling fun stories of our past life, taking pictures. We were scheduled to say farewell to her on Sun., so yesterday when we said good-bye, that was a real good-bye, which didn’t make me very sad. I’ll see her tomorrow!

Something could make me heartbreaking, something could make me really cheer up...life, as said, is a rollercoaster, the ups and downs are both ok actually, because you know you are safe, you are having a safebelt on you, even the feeling is like you are dying...just be brave and finally everyone will land safely...so I’m going to take every up and down and enjoy them...life sucks, but I do love it, no matter the sweet part or the bitter part...I love it!!!

I’m too excited to write actually, but I need to write something here!

The girl, she finally made it, after one year of seeking process, flying almost once a week from Pitt to NYC recently , most sleepless nights working hard on the homework, school work, projects, all the bad luck like encountering numerous flight delays, cancellations, hard rain...She finally made it...She definitely deserves the best offer, both for her career and her love!

Congrats to Ying, deeply, sincerely...the interesting thing is that yesterday that was indeed in my dream, am I an angel, or a girl with some magic? haha~

Thinking about myself, I did something, but that was just not enough to get some offer, so I need to do more, need to struggle more, I do need~so still never never give up!

I’ve been getting up early for a couple of days, for my upcoming test, also for a good life habit. Every morning, I open my eyes with the goal in my mind, and then I open my window to let the fresh air come in, and then I open the door of my bathroom to get myself clean and smell nice, and then I serve myself my traditional 8-year-no-change breakfast, honey, milk, with cake or bread...then my new day is just beginning, I push the button on my laptop, I open my gmail inbox, I check jcrew online sale, I open MSN to check friends’ new entries...then next I may go to school to read or stay at home to read, anyway, I start reading...and then the clock displays 08:30am, which satisfies me a lot, being an early bird is so amazing, you suddenly extend your lifetime to a new level, the waking lifetime, and you are getting the chance to see and feel more of the world which only an early bird could catch...so I would love to be an early bird, ever...

Maybe today I’m rescuing myself from the depression which has lasted long time and tortured me a lot. Last night Daniel called in, and I didn’t want to talk much at that time. But after then, I was thinking about him in the quiet and dark night, and then I impulsively sent out an email to tell him my feeling about him, which I guess may scare him a little bit...anyway I did what I wanted, being a true me...I should never hide my emotion to the ones I like, just clearly, explicitly tell them...

This morning an idea just hit me, that I would love to live with my parents and get a temporary job in my hometown if I go back to stay for some time. Well I should get my mom’s opinion about this idea. I’ve always been respecting her a lot. But I think this is a sound idea, which came out in the refreshing early morning. See, would this be another benefit of being an early bird? As I said, I’ll keep doing this, till ever...

Oil, oil~~~

Staying at home the whole day, keeping myself away from the sunshine drove me crazy. The whole day I was thinking if Daniel would never write to me, talk to me...if I’m losing him, which I don’t want it to be happening, really don’t...I know it might also be because of my hormone, but I just couldn’t stop thinking and could not focus on my study at all...he IS something to me, now, I realize that.

Meredith had an entry today about the power of karma, it was a great story about a man’s recovery from almost death and he’s having a baby soon this Nov.. Meredith said she doesn’t know whether we would call it karma, or God’s will or fate, or just good luck...and this has been making me think a lot...the fear of losing, which I’m so familiar with, two years ago, someone icily left me without saying anything, I did call it a karma, because I had hurt some people before that, and I guessed at that time, maybe that was what I deserved...now I might hurt my boy, which I didn’t realize, and he didn’t tell me...then would the power of karma work again and make him leave me, and then make me hurt again? I’m so afraid of that...I wish I could stop thinking, and get my thoughts organized...really really...

Yesterday Amy gave me a cute piglet for hanging on my cell phone, and today I changed the screen background of my cell, and I do wish I’m having something refreshing...

XX once said life is all about moving forward, well, I agree with that, but I would rather say life is all about changes. Changes are around us almost everyday, everywhere, some are too tiny to notice, but in retrospect, even the tiny ones could turn to be big ones, which might shock us, cheer us up, or depress us...now I’m facing some changes, the changes that I do not want at all and could do nothing to prevent it from happening...my close friends’ graduation and relocation, which makes me feel so sad, very very sad...

This morning I went to gym with Amy, and I thought that would be the last time, the last time we schedule the meeting time for gym, the last time we buy ginger chicken to share and our favorite Thai tea, the last time we walk together from gym to HBH, the last time we could have lunch together at the student lounge, the last time we could meet in the hallway, and talk to each other whenever we want to...or the last time we could talk in person about Grey’s, Desperate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters...I’ve already been through the last time she takes me home... thinking about all the last times, I could feel the tears in my eyes almost the whole day...I was telling Daniel that I was not in a good mood to meet, then the sweet boy said he would stop by and bring me something to cheer me up, so I did meet him today, for a couple of minutes, it was a box of chocolate, with my Chinese name on the greeting card, I guess it took him some time to figure out and make it, so I told myself I could not be mad at him anymore, maybe he was really tired yesterday and he slept for 10 hours, and that’s the true proof...I could not be mean, could not at all...

Jia uploaded her so-called sweetest memories on her blog--the wedding pics, which brightened my eyes in the early morning, and I was really excited to look at the pics again and again...she’s a happy girl all the time, she loves her boy all the time, she loves her career all the time, and she actually just loves her life all the time, although there were moments that she felt frustrated, she could recover in a second and smile again...

I sent Ying to the bus to the airport later this afternoon, and I’ll see her only on the commencement two weeks later, and then she’ll start her NYC life, and then get married...I wish I could be her bridemaid, but I have no idea if I could make it. So many people around me have got married, are going to get married...would I have a dream about marrying tonight?

Well, even I have the chocolate, I still feel depressed...I wish I could be better soon...

Time really really flies...it’s been two years...

Two years ago, someone drove me to the Beijing Capital International Airport, telling me that day was his wedding anniversary, which was out of my expectation, and hurt me...and we hugged each other and said good-bye to each other, since then we haven’t seen each other for two years...it could be longer...

Two years ago, I met someone who hurt me deeply three months later, making me start my first relationship, bringing me some sweet-bitter memories, I guess I would never forgive him or I would totally forget him...

Now two years later, I was sitting beside a boy, who I’m supposed to like, driving to Cleveland to visit my friends. The weather was incredibly gorgeous, and this is supposed to be a healthy relationship for me, a great trip for us, but this date seems a bad one for me, ever...because I felt the heartbreaking hurt again, couldn’t help crying...it might be because of my coming period, but I was really sad, that he wouldn’t want to spend more time with me today, which deep in my heart I was willing to;he wasn’t going to hold me when we got the chance to take pictures together, which was definitely abnormal for my thinking...finally I chose to go home directly, and I wouldn’t stay with him without his desire, he said "see you tomorrow", and I said "I don’t know" "I really don’t know"...actually I decided not to see him for several days, because I want to make sure if he cares me or thinks about me...this IS supposed to be a healthy relationship, and I don’t want to ruin it, I do want to make everything secure.

Two-year mark, good to see couple Shao and their lovely baby girl, that’s the only thing that could make me happy today~

From now on, a new journey of my life, bless~~~

There are only three weeks to go before the test, it’s a lie that I’m not nervous. I’m just feeling time is flying, and the decision has been made for a month, and I only roughly read something, which is not enough at all. I should work hard, extremely hard...

Yesterday as scheduled, we went to the masquerade, dressing up, chatting, taking pictures, eating, dancing...it was a great night, though. Ww refused to take me home and directly dropped me off at Daniel’s apt. He’s fussing around arranging his brother’s room and just said I was lovely dressing like that. I stayed over as he wished, which was kinda a remedy for that I hadn’t invited him to the party. The feeling was not bad though, and he said at least then I was not 16 anymore, I would be growing up to 18. I should thank all the men helping me grow up,seriously. I would never never imagine in my life, I could possibly sleep with more than one man, but I did, which surprised myself, is that supposed to be my love life, bumpy? Alright, let it be, this should not be my focus now, I would be with someone eventually, naturally, without hurting anymore. Ww asked me if I have any feeling being held or kissed, I said no, not much at least. What I did not tell her was that I did have the feeling being held while sleeping. Well, I’ll stop talking about this. For people’s life, this is just a tiny part, which I could have been through, but just forget it when it’s done.

We dearest friends had a sweet lunch around noon today, Ying still hasn’t recovered from the terrible Italian food poisoning she had last week with her BF, poor girl. But I guess she’s so excited about being seeing her mom soon in NYC, so from the other point, she’s a lucky girl as well. I sent out the email with pictures being taken today to everyone, like my system project advisor blessed us last year, I wrote "good luck post-H****", I do wish everyone has a bright future...what about myself, I’ve been blessing myslef for long time, and I still couldn’t see any of my luck coming, or it’s around, I just haven’t realized that, like I’m having a sweet boy, who called me baby, taking care of me, respecting me...It seems we could never realize something we are having precious, important, deserving to be cherished...maybe I need to learn how to do that...

Daniel and I are having a small trip to Cleveland tomorrow, visiting my friends there and their new-born baby girl~I guess both of us are excited about this, because we could be spending time together~~~that is my passion, which ww could not see, and I hid in front of her~

Cherish, time, family, friends, love... do cherish~

Yesterday I was planning to stay at home at night to study, turned out that I spent all the time trying my dress for the party, coloring my toe-nails...I hate myself:)

Daniel went to his parents’ house to have dinner as the other night he told his mother. As he came back to his apt, he emailed me and wrote: I was thinking I should have invited you to come with me today, would you have gone had I asked? For me, this was definitely a pleasurable question, which I should give the answer of "Yes". But this is kinda a small dilemma, what about if I said "Yes", then he would regret for not asking, then what about if I said "No", that’s a lie because I do want to go with him. So I replied: I will, but maybe not today. I guess he would be a little bit disappointed, but he probably would be a little bit happy, too. I was thinking if I had gone, that would be the first time in my life to meet my boy’s family, which I think is really important. When a boy/girl is willing to introduce you to his/her family, that is something, for my thinking. So I was happy to read the email, maybe I should tell him my feeling today. I’m taking a small note here today for the further reference or memory.

Tonight I’m going to a graduation party with dearest gals, I wish I could be happy~

We had a nice walk in the park at the perfectly great Spring dusk, holding hands, chatting, supporting each other, thinking about the kinda tough future...all I wanted was a moment of relaxing...to get me away from all the stress, nightmares, or sorrow for friend’s leaving soon...

His mother called in when we sat beside each other at the apt, and checked with him something about his teeth recovery and talked about going home having dinner thing. At the time of hanging up, "I love you" just slipped out of his mouth, so natural, but so touching for me, which I guess the voice could haunt me for long time, I’m not kidding though...I love the way he or they express their love, natural, explicit...I love to say "I love you", too, but I was telling him, it’s just so hard for me to speak out in Chinese, it seems this would never gonna work. I know this should be in the so-called culture differences, which means I prefer western culture more, at least at this aspect.

I went to gym with Amy again this early morning, and I guess this would be one of the last two. Thinking about her leaving just made me so sad, she even told me Yichin cried talking about this. How would she know, me too. To get more chances being with each other, we three had lunch together at a terrible restaurant, where we would never never visit again. This is life, a regular day, for us...which would be some sweet memories for us, in the future...everyone is leaving, and it seems this is the time for me to leave or change as well!

I love you, all my close friends, and I wish someday I could say this to my boy when hanging up the phone, natural, explicit...I Love You, bye!

Ok, I’m not supposed to make my blog entry dark or depressing, it’s the exact Spring time or even Summer time, with the brightening sunshine, almost everyday...but for my life, it’s like still in the Winter, and I couldn’t match the mood and the weather at all!

I had some nightmares during the last few days, I’m serious, the true nightmares, which I’ve barely been through for more than 20 years...two were about my mom’s passing away, one was about my friend and some horrifying tigers...I was immediately awake after those nightmares, with tears all over my face, or my heart beating fast...to be honest, those were bad experiences, which I was doomed to have, which means I was worried too much these days, and I was stressful, totally~I don’t know how to change it...

Last night I was so tired after walking around a business district the whole afternoon, and I took a one-hour nap, and did nothing at night, oh, I did my laundry anyway. The severe thunderstorm kept me from seeing my boy, actually I was not sure if I wanted to see him yesterday. So that’s fine. But sometimes I feel empty, with something to be doing, just in no mood to do, which is terrible!

The date that I’ve been here for two years is coming, it’s the time again, the end of the old semester, someone will be leaving, the start of a new semester, new faces will show around during the summer. Two years ago, I was having my dream, my future, my hope, my energy, two years later, I knew the country better, I gained something, I lost something, I struggled for long time to make myself grow up, I met nice people, being close friends with them, I found my love again, totally recovering from the last two, really, really bad two...I have no idea what life will challenge me, but I do know I can do something I want, even anything, just time counts...time really realy counts, like ww said, everyone will have a happy ending~and all my nightmares will be gone!