格桑花

Yeah, this would not be a good entry discussing about anything related to life, this is just a pure complaint...can you believe it’s just the fresh morning of a beautiful weekend, for some Americans, this is a great great weekend due to the upcoming Independence Day...but mine, it couldn’t be worse~~~

I was having some plans in my mind for today, like when I need to take the shuttle to go to Walnut, when I will go to meet the gals, and probably I could do something really fun with my boy...okay, I got to admit my mood was just ruined. I was told my roommate and her sister are heading for Toronto today, but I don’t know when they will leave. I was woken by their noise very early this morning, like 6am? And at that time I was thinking maybe they wanted to start early to have more fun there. When I was about to get up, they’d already gone, but when I went to the kitchen, there’s some food on the counter, apparently they went out for something else, and were not far away. Around 9am, they were back, and then I knew they went to the airport to pick up my roommate’s brother-in-law. Okay, for the next hour, all I could do was lying on the bed and waiting for their leaving, because they were so busy at the kitchen and bathroom...

Now they’ve gone and I’m go back to my normal life, and I feel good...

Complaint in the end...But I swear I’d never share the apt with others, of course I can do it with my boy...

We are living, for what? Basically this question is always too simple to answer, or we can have thousands of sound answers, and definitely almost all of us could find the answers to match our life goals. Normally, people want a decent life, with money...I agree with that, but what is the real base for a decent life, it should be a healthy life first for my thinking. As always, people would not pay attention to this point till the day they have to go to the hospital, with pains, despair, spending a lot of money, which probably could not help at all...but would that be too late?

It seems my mom so knows the importance of the healthy issue, and I started having my healthy breakfast 8 years ago, honey, bread or cake, milk, and vitamin tablet every morning, never changed a little...well, that doesn’t mean I ate some bad food before that time, but just since then, I was getting stronger and stronger, I AM a healthy girl!

I’m thinking about this issue because yesterday Daniel told me some sad news about his mom, which could really make him and other kids worry about her. She’s getting a six-month treatment, and I do hope she could be better after the treatment. She’s a nice mom, and God will bless her!

Tonight little Katarina and Hannah will sleep over at Daniel’s apt, and at the time I was calling, they were playing "Mario Party" together, that must be very cozy...and tomorrow we are going to make jewelry, again...should be fun...

Oh, ww told me that I could get $30 back for the dress I bought last week because of a price adjustment policy, this is awesome...I did some shopping this morning at J.Crew, a small tote and a comfortable top...it seems I’m going to be a shopping mania, coz tomorrow I’m going to Walnut, again!

Thinking about ex was always my pain, I’d been crying for too long before my moving on. Last night I sent out a facebook invitation to xian, and she got to be working on it afterward. There’s one function on facebook that it can search out all the friends who are on your email list having facebook, which you use to register on facebook. I guess xian and my ex had some emails back and forth due to some travels, upon the function, turned out she requested to add him as a friend. I do know my ex has a facebook, he just never took care of it coz when I was curious to check his friends, he had only one. Alright, I should not have done that, but I did. Today when I realized that he responded to xian and I could check again, I did again, nothing being updated. He changed his profile picture though, at that moment, I got to know I totally would not care about this guy anymore, all about him... I just love my boy a lot, and he’s much much much better than the guy who relentlessly dumped me and gave me a lot of pain, better looking, better personality, better degree, better family...whatever, just better, much much much better. I was feeling I’m so so so lucky!

It’s interesting when I look back to see the change trends about all of my friends here, to find out the similarity. Three girls, being single, with breakup pains, now we are all in good relationships, the best case is that Ying might get engaged soon...Yichin had some nice trips with her boy...mine, not bad though, my boy is always sweet, and I love sweet so much, and we just quite match:) So I got to be realizing that life is really beautiful even with some pains, for everyone. The rollercoaster is just so fun,and the journey would be long, we would never know what would happen tomorrow, all we need is faith, the faith to a safe landing...

My day was ending by receiving Daniel’s thank note, saying, thank you for everything...I actually need to thank him for bringing me to his family, with whom I had a great time, enjoying making jewelry and playing video game with his sisters, chatting a little bit with his mom...everything was just so nice, especially when the big family sat together to have dinner, which reminded me of the happy family get-together I used to have with my grandparents and my uncles, aunts, cousins...I was almost going to tear...I really really love big family a lot...

His sisters are very cute, who are very typical kids, pure, happy, can transfer you all the joy they are having, making you forget all the adult pains...so my cheek muscles hurt a little bit last night, laughing too much.

Yichin left a message on my facebook, so I was online chatting with her for a while, usually I’m just appearing offline, because I don’t want to talk to one of my college classmates, who’s a mistress now, which I cannot accept at all. But I was too excited to realize that important reason, and I simply was online, so she sent me a message for greeting without fail...then she asked for my recent picture, I was thinking that’s not a big deal, but as a response, she judged me by saying that I need to dress up...how can I explain this point with a mistress...well, I’m a student, I am a dedicated student, and I have a sweet bf, I just don’t need to dress up to be a pathetic mistress, to attract an old rich guy’s eyes, I don’t need that at all...plus I’m so satisfied with my dressing style, it’s comfortable, pure and looks good...I guess I overreacted, I can accept any judgement,whatever, but I might not want to accept the judgement from a mistress, can she first handle her own life, the messy life? Alright, alright, I’m mean again, forget about it...I should be a nice person...

My boy was telling me he registered a class for learning Chinese next semester, he’s so sweet...sometimes I’m a little bit confused about what I really want from my partner, his hit success, great reputation, without caring me or the future family, or a fairly good reputation, a good career, and a golden heart treating me as his real significant other...I guess I found out my answer!

Yesterday I went to Walnut for buying a new dress attending the wedding ceremony next month at Nashville, and I went with xx and ww. I used to wander on the street with the other three gals I deeply love, and I got to admit the feeling was completely different, even I was also very very close to ww and xx, but it’s different...I couldn’t help but think about all the old times we had, brunch, shopping...and at night when I was about to send a greeting email to Yichin, who’s on the way heading for Taiwan, I realized I couldn’t go on at all with tearing a lot in my eyes...I’m always passionate about a city or a specific location just because of people, so yesterday when I realized people around me left one by one away from this city, I was feeling the city was not attractive for me anymore...I have no idea where my next stop would be, but I wish it could be a nice place with people I’d love...

I was taking a walk with my boy,around his old neighborhood, in the dusk, finally...I guess I so like walking because I used to have a great time with my mom walking around dusk every summer when I was studying or working at Beijing...it’s about people again...he told me some surprising things he thought, first was that his friend spent $60,000 for the upcoming wedding ceremony, which didn’t surprise me at all, because almost all the Chinese do the same thing, spending a lot of money, just for a ’useless’ ceremony...sometimes you show people your affection or your faith by a certain kind of form, like the big ceremony, with a lot of people sharing the greatest moment, it’s good though...but from my point of view, you might need the witness, but you don’t need the money to confirm that you love your significant other...it’s about the deep love from your heart...I may not need a ceremony, I just need someone...

Well, when we were turning to talk about the second thing, I did get surprised this time, he told me his mother just had a miscarriage...he said his first response to the news was that his mother was a little bit crazy, but second he thought he loved his parents so much, and he’s gonna just support his mother...I guess it’s not good or appropriate for a woman at his mother’s age to have a baby anymore, it’s not good for both actually...I appreciate that he shared the news with me, because he really treated me as his close friend...I bless his mother, all the happy and healthy days...

My day ended up meeting his friend at a typical American bar, and he said I did a great job there, because I got to meet his friend and had a little chat...well, it’s not that bad as I thought.

When this morning he’s saying good-bye to me at the time he’s heading to his office, while I was still lying on the bed, I was feeling we were like a real couple, again...that’s the simple life I might like.

So finally I’m not sad, and decide to have a really careful thought about our future. Yesterday when we walked, he said he really wanted to stay with me at Boston, and wished that I could think about the idea again. I told him I would not make any change about my decision. So he said, alright, I’m not going to focus on Aug. 2007, let’s focus on Aug. 2008 at Boston, with you...I was so touched and happy about the commitment, and the wishes. I so long for I could accomplish this step with him. So for me, last night was kinda good.

I confirmed with myself again I’m a person living for love, my passion, affection, all the motivations in my life come from the love I pursue, all kinds of love...I don’t know if it’s good or not, because sometimes this makes me have some seemingly random decisions people could not agree or understand, which are away from the regular life, and kinda waste my lifetime, but I told Daniel, this is like we are choosing the trails in the national park, I’d love to choose the difficult ones and enjoy all the challenges, and I wish you could be with me...and I think this tough process would make my life more meaningful...I was happy my boy agreed with me, and we’ll be making efforts together

I had a nice dinner with Yichin and ww family yesterday at Bangkok, the place we gals used to have fun in that far-away freezing winter day, reminding me of a lot of sweet memories of us...then today I helped Yichin move, spending the whole morning with her...as the time she was about to drop me off, we just realized that was the last chance we met before her leaving, and we both had no idea when the next time would be for us to meet...no hug, no tears, we were saying good-bye, just like we were going to see each other tomorrow at HBH as usual...just like we can call each other at anytime we want for free...maybe that was the best way to say good-bye, thank god...I bet she will have a hard time saying good-bye to her love, but everyone has to experience this, like two months later, I would be there as well.

I sent a sweet message to Daniel this afternoon, because at that time I was really missing him, but at night I turned to be another cold person, refusing to see him...he must be very confused for what happened to me...sorry, my boy, I’m always like this, emotional, capricious, mom’s princess...please forgive me, treating me like your real baby...

But something in my mind would never change, which is the experience of my past two years staying here, making me constantly appreciate...I did learn a lot, from school, from my dearest friends, from love, from life...I am growing up a lot...I was telling Yichin about my experience of coloring my toenail, the first time was the worst, I colored, then I washed, colored, washed, for more than three times, finally I got myself an ugly one...later, after I had colored for three weeks,several times, I was getting better and better, and I could almost perfectly finish in very short time, with some good looking...that convinced me again experiences do matter...all the experiences are great, no matter good or bad, cheerful or sad...we could always grow up from the experiences...so no matter what would happen in my future life, I would be the optimistic one, I would be the strong one, standing at the point of trying my best to struggle for a beautiful life, with the one I trust, respect, and love, sharing the rest of my life...I swear...

I’ve been having too many thoughts to write these two days...almost overwhelming...

This Monday was the day I restarted my work for Prof., and he actually emailed me in the early morning that he need some help preparing for his presentation on Wednesday, and he would be in around 9:30. I was feeling lucky because that morning I got up a little bit earlier than usual trying to be a hard worker, seemed like I was doing the right thing...turned out the Prof. was too busy to come on time, he came around 12:00, and then I got to fuss around for the whole afternoon...I met ww at school that day, since graduation, we’ve never met at school. And she also came for meeting the Prof.. We just chatted for a while, and I guess she’s rushing home to take care of Aaron, family life would never be the same as a single life...either has some special fun, but either has the pain as well.

That day in the morning Yichin came back from her second trip this summer with her love along the west coast, and called me for a while...I sensitively felt her leaving soon...I couldn’t help but think about this, sadly...

Meanwhile, I got the final confirmation of my flight ticket going back to China, staring at the screen, I was kinda sad again, thinking that I would leave my boy soon...

So in the email I sent to Daniel that day, I was saying, I was having too many thoughts, and a mixed feelings about the past and the future, I didn’t manage to meet him that day, just because I was too emotional, too sad...

People have no idea how many steps they should take to be an adult before they are going to be...usually we realize the progress after we make it, and the feeling is kinda complicated and mixed...we want to be kids always for escaping from the full responsibilities, but how can we resist the natural growing-up thing, no, we cannot...I did something to move forward myself on the way of being a complete adult, and what would this bring me...a closer relationship, a tenderer heart treating myself like Jia told me long time ago...I actually have no idea, and I can just say we’ll see if this could make a difference...I’m kinda retarded...

Yesterday I talked to mom again, and she’s excited and a little bit nervous about my going back...but I do wish the whole time I would spend there would be awesome still with some sweet memories...we are living our life by ourselves!

Yesterday I should have gone to the office, turned out I didn’t. I went to the gym with gals around noon as usual, and after that they just came up with the idea of going shopping and watching a movie, since one of them will start intern next week and may not have enough time to hang out...I sort of compromised, because I did think about working on something in the afternoon...so we went to shopping, spending some time in Bath and Body Works getting some big deals, and then we watched Ocean’s Thirteen. I didn’t watch any Eleven or Twelve before, I would say, Pitt is still awesome for me, not as I thought he’s getting old and with Jolie...I’m really a tough one and hard to move on for anything, I guess...

Then I felt I was having a big headache and didn’t go for dinner with them, I went home for shower and wished I could meet Daniel for a while, ending up he called me around ten, and there’s no way to meet: his brother took his car getting home, and there’s no shuttle at that time, and I refused to see him at my apt...anyhow the truth was that I didn’t want to see him although I really wanted to...it’s kinda like a punishment for him when I heard he said he’s disappointed...I realized I was a mean woman, just like most of the other...he did everything he wanted, and then he started thinking about me...it’s unacceptable for me...he can work late in his lab, and he can play his game everyday, I would not say anything about that because it’s personal life and he can decide whatever, but I just don’t want to be the one who’s 24/7 available, and I have my own life, too...I’m not waiting here always...I’m leaving soon, and now I’m here, but we still meet once a week...is it universally true when you are having something, you never value it? So the truth is I got mad, it IS true...even I so want to see him, spending time with him...I would not easily give him the chance, I am again, not 24/7 available, I want him to feel this way...if he’s sensitive enough, he should know I’m purposly doing so...

Alright, maybe I’m too mean, too sensitive...but I can not change...at least now...

I’m blogging late, it was kinda a long day, the day I went back to work again...I walked in the basement again, I sat in the room again, I ate lunch in the student lounge again, I even wandered on the busy street again...everything came back...but just for one more month. Time, time is the most powerful thing on the whole planet, I do believe so.

I was trying to update my mail address at payroll office around noon, but I just got a note saying "the building is close at 12pm and will open tomorrow 8:30am", to remedy the feeling of a bad luck girl, I went to the earring store, picking up for long time, finally I chose one that might be okay, and I got another note saying "cash only today", I did have enough cash with me, but I just suddenly felt I would not use the cash to surrender my bad luck...then as I was waiting for the traffic light, I was feeling someone coming up to me, aha, this time there’s no bad luck anymore, it’s my boy...later he emailed me that he’s feeling he would see me...... and I told him I had the same feeling as well...so I was happy about the chemistry or magic...

To be continued...

*****
Two days later, when I get back here, I’m feeling there’s no possibility to continue the old entry, so I’m going to work on the new one...

Oh, there’s something I did want to mention in this entry, I got my new debit card on Thursday, which was on time and I was happy about that...the new card was beautiful, not only because it’s totally new, but also because of the new design...so again, sometimes you are in a trouble ,and you feel so down about that, you even complain why it’s always YOU who have the bad luck...but you have no idea, the trouble is actually the entrance to some good luck or a good start...

Last night for me was very nice, okay, it was just because I could spend the time with my boy. As I always said, we are relatively independent but so mentally connected...we went to the tuxedo store, and then wal-mart, kinda like a real couple dealing with our regular life, some friends to socialize, and some personal life to live...life is actually simple...I couldn’t help but write a pretty emotional email to him at midnight, because I wanted to let him know my true feeling...my appreciation...and my love...

After I went home, I got an email from the prof., and he asked everyone of us in the RA team to give a small presentation for what we have been doing...it’s like a small task from the sky, which came without any sign and made me a little bit nervous. Since I was a little kid, I’ve been so afraid of speaking in front of people, it seems nothing has been changed so far...but in this country people so like giving presentations, that’s almost a must for every course, so plz imagine about the phd life later...turned out I need more and more practice, not just one-one conversations, I need to get used to speak in front of tons of people...the meeting went very well, and I got the prof. sign the student information form for me today, which meant that I’m going back to work starting from tomorrow, and I’ll get paid for my air ticket, my dress, something that I want and I need...

This morning I got Daniel’s reply for my emotional email last night, and he’s always sweet to reply all my emails, which is exactly what I really care...at this point, we have such a strong chemistry connecting us...

Alright, I guess I’m not in a mood to write? Because the language is just so plain that I even cannot bear by myself...maybe it’s time to watch more shows or read more...

I’m embarrassed a lot to type the title for the third time, which means I was going to write this entry two days ago, but for all kinds of reasons, I finally didn’t make it till now...till the moment I’m feeling embarrassed again when my roommate passed me the grade sheet from ETS, thank god, it arrived on time, but maybe not the way I expected...and the grade as well...the writing grade is fair, too...okay, it’s so true that I didn’t practice, but I did expect more since I’ve been writing for long time, not the exact style, but I did writing practice almost everyday...I may be wrong, because for some native English speakers, they even got lower score, so I should not blame myself a lot...how much effort did I make for the test? The fair scores are already big rewards for me...I could not help thinking about the application package again and again, the strengh, the weakness, and how much is enough...how far could I go this time...I recall hard my situation when I applied last time, I was having some worries, too...but finally I got something I wanted, so nothing is absolute...what I need to do now is trying hard to make my PS and other stuff competitive, trying hard to read more and know more, and prepare myself perfectly for the next several years in the research field...

So now stop thinking too much about something that I’ve already done, and try to think about something that I could do and achieve...

As for meeting the family in the forest, it was a great experience for me, I got so excited the other day, but apparently the emotion has faded away as time goes by...I couldn’t say more, I just know I love the family, and I love someone loves me...it is great...

I started booking my flight ticket going back to China, and that just made me cry hard...everything looks perfect, I just don’t want to leave the person, the person who supports me, encourages me, makes me happy by all means, and the person I’m getting deeper and deeper emotional involvement...he’s one of the important reasons I will remember the city I don’t like so much...how can I leave him...although I’ll try to be back...

Alright, this is supposed to be yesterday’s entry, and then I left without finishing. This blog doesn’t have a save function as MSN spaces, which means I had to give up and be rewriting today...

Later yesterday when there was a big thunderstorm outside in this city, I was quietly sitting in my room reading xx’s friend woody’s blog...he’s writing his going-back-to-China series now...the one I read yesterday was about his flight back. He kinda joked about Beijing’s severe air pollution compared to LA and Seoul, which scared me so much...that is the city I would be staying for at least 9 months later...but I was not sure what I was worrying about, or I thought I was ridiculous...think about it, there are 1.3B people living in the big country, and Beijing is the important capital, where the central government keeps investing on all the aspects to make it look beautiful, strong, modern, whatever, a place showing to the world that China is getting stronger and stronger...plus, I had been staying there for 7 years before I came here, and I was totally fine and comfortable with living there...now I just need to adjust a little bit, and then I should be okay. So it doesn’t make any sense about my anxiety. I shouldn’t be that way...I should be a person who can enjoy life everywhere because of the optimistic attitude. My mom would be there, Aunt Cheng family would be there, so I should feel cozy or somthing positive about my going-back life...what’s more...that’s not a permanent stop, and I’m going to keep flying, living my bumpy life or riding my rollercoaster...keeping my love in the high level...

So am I ready? I think I’m preparing...it’s good...very very good...things always go this way, like struggle and then persuade yourself to calm down, and then find out the way to move forward, and then you make it...so, I will make it...

My debit card was closed by my bank without any notification, when I was checking the problem that I could not use any ATM to withdrawal cash...so the guy asked myself to call to find out the problem...finally I decided to argue and got help from a woman in the bank. She confirmed that my card was closed and a new card will be sent to me within 3-5 business days, cutting my old card using the big scissors. I hope this time it’s fine, because last time I was told so, too...but after one month, I was still waiting like a fool without any arguing with the bank...so it’s universally true that we should always prepare ourselves strong as long as we think we are holding the truth. And be the part taking initiative to keep our proper rights. This is something I totally had no idea until I was going to get some cash from ATM, so that’s exactly what life is...unpredictable, troubles appearing anytime without any notification...you could have plans in your mind, making a detailed schedule, but you should be ready to change it all the time. Sometimes troubles are not bad, they could even help you avoid much bigger ones, which you probably would not know, ever...that’s why I truly believe in fate...

Daniel told me he felt the connection with me, even I did something disappointing him, maybe, but I was trying hard, I bet...tomorrow I will be meeting his family in a forest as he told me, where is his great uncle’s house...so we’ll escape from the city for a while, enjoying the nature...life is good,I hope...

Today one of the things on my to-do list was that I need to send my resume to my previous colleague for helping me on my job-hunting in China, including both the English version and the Chinese version. I started translating my English version at 3:30pm, I thought I could finish like half an hour, turned out I was so wrong, I finished it after 8pm, of course I played for a while and cooked my dinner and ate it...but still I felt it’s so ridiculous that I translated so slowly...that’s the language I’ve been talking and writing for more than 20 years, I was telling Daniel...is it really about getting used? When I was sending the resume to my colleague, I wrote, the Chinese version is too bad to read, please give any comment about it so that I can improve....I’m like an elementary school student asking for help...alright, it exaggerated, but sort of...

This made me think about myself a little bit, I’m always such a lazy girl, reluctant to change all the time, hoping to settle down from the deep heart...but I’m always forced to change...my fate is so cute...I don’t like the city of Beijing, too crowded, to dirty, too aggressive (ok, not as much as Shanghai is), and I finally got used to live there, and then I left, I came to the city I’m staying now, I’m getting used to it because of some friends, but now I’m leaving again...life is so so so bumpy for me...if that’s supposed to be the rollercoaster, then I’m riding it...this morning I was checking my flight ticket going back, which I even didn’t want to think about at all...but I had to face it...it was sad anyway...I’ve almost decided the date, I’m definitely going to pack...will I cry, who knows, this time I’m the person who’s leaving...

In the email to my friend, I wrote, sometimes you feel speaking English is so cool, but sometimes still you feel Chinese is more beautiful...yesterday Daniel’s Chinese books finally came, and looking at the vocabulary and the grammar, I was kinda proud that it is a beautiful language...

Even I spent some time more than my expectation on my Chinese resume, I was using my heart, so I wish a good result...I sent a detailed email to the guy, who provided us the reports spreadsheets last summer, and I also wish I could get what we want from him this year, to finish my work for Prof....also I’m going to collect school information and perfectly organize it, and then put all my energy for the preparation, I hope I could make it...I think I can make it...

Every morning when I get up, I don’t feel like writing, because there’s nothing in my mind and I think I would have another regular day...today was the same, I even went back to bed around 11am because I felt relly sleepy, and then I was woken up by Jinxiang’s call, asking me to take some pics for his old car...then time went by...I was filling in my resume online for the job-hunting in China, and there came the item of project description, and I felt I need to check my project paper, so I naturally opened the "project" folder and wished I could then open a huge pdf, which was the final report, I suddenly realized it was not there...I guessed something was wrong, and then I reopened it, it’s the same thing...so I checked all the other folders in Spring semester, obviously I lost all the documents after Spring break, which meant I wrongly overwrote something when I backed the documents up reinstalling my laptop one month ago...how stupid I am...I actually don’t have many folders, and my document system is pretty simple, and how come the mistake...it’s definitely because I’m STUPID...

The next couple of hours, I had to open my andrew email box, which I haven’t touched for long time, and checked all my old emails one by one, hoping that I could get some documents back, if I was smart and lucky enough to email others or myself...turned out I did some, but not all...so I could not get all the documents back, even the precious system final report and presentation ppt...and my management science 2 homework, all the fancy models...my cool SQL...which was too bad...I was like being punched by someone, and could not recover soon, feeling very very tired and sad...that was not about just the documents themselves, that’s about all the efforts I was making in my graduate student life at Heinz, all the bittersweet memories, which are so valuable in my life...I cannot lose them, but I did...is that supposed to mean I do need a phd life to remedy all, my student life records, my wish-to-be-great grades...hope so...

Amy told me finally she could not make the trip to my hometown, because her cutie won’t let her go... and we made a plan going to HK during X’mas, how I wish I could have such a great trip, which the most important part is that I could meet my dearest friend there enjoying shopping with her...

After that, I thought I need to talk to someone I have been having a special feeling about, to let him know I’m going home, and I do wish I could get some help from him on my temporary job-hunting...we had a happy chat, and he said he would keep an eye on it...

When the day was going to end, I started writing to my sweet boy, who did a great job on tonight’s softball game with his friends, which I didn’t get the chance to watch...I told him that the time I miss him most is when I cannot see him...I did miss him a lot...especially when I felt so bad and like being held...

*I was writing to my landlord to notify him that I’ll pay a little bit late this month, and I want to stay in August without signing anything...he nicely replied both would be ok, and plus he told me he will be joining Morgan Stanley at Wall Street this July...okay, my landlord is sooooo coooool~

*My dad sent me an email with Song’s wedding pictures...I got so happy for him...I know everything he’s been through these years, but he’s always strong and optimistic...now he got the happiness of his own, kind of like a big reward for him...wish he could be happy ever after with his wife...and at that moment I was thinking more about his mother, who was like my real mom, treating me so well, taking care of me so well, supporting me always...I really really miss her...I definitely will be visiting her when I go back home, standing along the Changjiang River missing her...I think she’s smiling there witnessing her son’s best moment...

*My high school classmates showed positive attitude to Daniel, I know my friends will like him, just like his friends like me as well...during this boring weekend, I really missed him a lot, as he’s part of my life, even I still have no idea how big that part is...after looking at Song’s wedding pics, I insanely imagined my wedding scene just now, I like simple dress, full silk with satin, simple white flowers, small bouquet, with the deepest sweetest love and the most romantic kiss....like I said, I’m kinda insane...

*My friends are all coming back, I’ll not be alone again...

*I’m trying to work extremely hard to make my dream come true...happy ever after...

This is the quietest weekend I’ve ever had since when...I couldn’t tell...when I was writing the reply to Amy and updating all our friends’ life, I typed five rows...how long that was...it seemed everyone was out of town...so for this weekend, I’m so so so alone and so so so bored...I even appreciated that on Saturday morning the prof. sent me an email to ask me to reorganize some spreadsheet and I did that for like half an hour (or longer)?

Life goes on, with all the INs and OUTs, just not on the same level...someone is temporarily out of town for a small travel, someone like me is going for several months, and someone is going forever...someone is coming for a travel or visiting, someone is coming for classes, like my Chinese idol, someone is coming maybe for lifelong time...which all of us could not tell actually...life is unpredictable always!

One of my college classmates emailed me last night telling me she’s in a joint phd program and coming to UC@Davis soon for a project...another college classmate is so unbelievable for me, well, the story is that she’s been a mistress for three years, and now she’s waiting for the guy’s divorce, so she decided to run away (to SF) to elude the responsibility of home-wrecking...this is just so unacceptable for me...anyhow that’s not my business, everyone has the right to choose his/her lifestyle, and I cannot judge too much, just like I don’t want to be judged by others, which is the same thing for her. I wish she could be happy, but I just don’t believe so...I called another college classmate who is at Baltimore now this morning for catching up...it was a normal conversation, and I was telling her the INs and OUTs...

Following the real life’s, on the spiritual level, it’s interesting too when you realize the INs and OUTs thing...that was last night, I checked my facebook, usually I love to jump on my friends’ facebooks, to ones that even are not my friends...then I saw a picture of my ex on someone’s, about the long-weekend travel to Yosemite...the first second I was asking myself, is that him? Because why he’s so unfamiliar to me, and he’s like a person I knew long long time ago and even couldn’t remember the face, and you feel nothing about him, like, dislike, whatever, just nothing, just a person there...who I don’t care at all...what an impressive OUT...I remember clearly about the reactions that I had when I got to know his trips to Virginia, Florida...every time I felt the deep hurt...torturing me more than a year...then finally he’s totally out of my mind, out of my life...now I just love someone I’m loving now...someone IN my heart, my soul, my life...

INs and OUTs, when you are growing up, or you are old enough, you could get the chance to see all the transitions of life, and that’s just an amazing experience of life itself...

P.S. I made super delicious hot-dry noodle for my lunch, and I am so proud of myself for the huge cooking progress~~~

I still could not totally get rid of what Li said to me the other day from my mind, and that made me sick the whole day yesterday...well, I got to admit I’m getting better today, usually it’s easy for me to forget the negative comments from people, maybe one-night sleep, but this time it seems it takes longer. Anyway, I should be able to forget soon, totally and enjoy the love with my sweet boy...

This is not the point I wanna talk about today, today I want to blame myself a little bit...sometimes you hate one kind of people, and then you would feel desperately awful when you realize that you are so that kind of people...that’s what I experienced this morning...

I got a message on MSN from my friend saying someone is organizing a donation on alumni book, which needs me to go check...then I was there to read the messages my high school classmates wrote there...plus I read some old comments related to like catching up topics...and then I got to know one of my classmates who came to the US five years ago is moving to Chicago working in HSBC headquarters in North America...in my mind, she’s not a good person, at least from my point of view. Always she was artificial, and didn’t have any sincere friend as she didn’t treat people that way. Sometimes she tried to reach her goals by sacrificing others, which looked so bad to me.

Well, that’s ten years ago. And when I realized this, I started to blame myself. Alright, it’s been long time we even didn’t have a talk to each other, how can I judge her by the impression of ten years ago...this sounds so unbelievable and ridiculous...maybe she’s changed since the whole environment here is good for her to change and she’s been here for five years, or maybe she’s already a Christian now, and has some sincere beliefs in her mind...I cannot judge her like this...I’m suffering from being judged without any sound evidence, and now I’m judging without any sound evidence...what’s the problem with me...I want to be mature,be growing up, but see what I am doing right now?

I was kinda even disappointed with myself and then sent an email to Jia to blame myself...that’s just so me...usually confess:) Being a good person is never easy, the role model is there, and you just can not be that easily...

Later this morning Xuxu called me to ask me to do them a favor about their car...it’s ok and I would love to...this is so me, too...I’m trying to be nice all the time, but I could be out of the track for just a second, and then I woud go back...so I wish this morning was a chance for me to grow up more...

My mom said it’s hard to understand what I was writing yesterday and agreed with my dad that my writing style is changing due to some sentence structures and grammar, OMG, I don’t believe this...maybe it’s just a change about my Chinese writing style, not related to my English presentation at all, I hope so...two-year is actually too short to change a style...