格桑花

Life is always fun without fail...we planned the trip to Lake Erie for really long time, and I even gave up the opportunity of going with my close Chinese friends last month, and was trying to hang out with D’s friends...when the day finally came, turned out I had to work at school for the whole weekend and the trip plan was badly challenged...I was asking Daniel what would happen if I don’t go, he seemed very sad or mad about this, and I was totally scared. So this time I had to compromise. Finally we were on the way in a sunny morning...

The trip was not so bad as I’d imagined, actually it’s pretty good. We first had a BBQ near the river, everyone was so hungry and the food turned to be extremely delicious...little Albane was playing around, and she’s so cute, I could almost watch her play for a whole day, I guess. Then came the relaxing time, everyone except me and Daniel was taking a nap, they seemed so relaxed from work, poor PhDs...I cannot imagine that I chose such a life and would force myself to be enjoying later, am I right or wrong this time? We went to kayak later, due to my no sense of directions, I requested that I need a company, so Daniel and I went for canoe, and that was a fun 1-hour water journey, but the bad thing was that I got a lot tanned and I used the wrong tanning lotion instead of my SPF28, which I didn’t expect at all. We also went to the beach for a while, to be honest, I was enjoying the beaches over the trip to Florida, and the west palm beach there impressed me so much that I guess I would not enjoy any beach elsewhere anymore...there were a lot of people there, kids playing with the sand, adults tanning...I took a small walk with my boy, which was nice...Laura was so keen on the icecream and chocolate in the city, so we quickly left and headed to the shop...well, that’s all about the trip...the words might be boring, but as Daniel said, this would be in the trips that would last in memories for long, I hope so...

***
So I was off yesterday, when ww and the other students did a lot of work for the presentation. I thought we could finish early today, turned out I was totally wrong, and the most terrible thing was today finally I knew what DJ said about prof’s yelling...I would say, I was not in charge of this presentation, and I was just trying to help, and I did try my best to help handle all kinds of administrative things, making graphs, editting slides, buying folders...I wasn’t told what I should do for the situation that Gary was on vacation and who I should talk to to figure out how we could print, and I was not supposed to know that...I was thinking 20 copies were not a big deal, and we could make those by ourselves, but the prof. didn’t think that way...so I got yelled, and felt very sad and frustrated...when my boy called me at night, I was crying...just couldn’t help it...I didn’t show my sad face at school, keeping smiling and did all the final work...I hope I would be rewarded by today’s experience, and for my thinking, the prof is always smart, he should know what he did, and have a good impression of me and give me the most important thing for me...okay, I guess this is my life test, I passed~

Pretty tired...need sleep~

First of all, I really want to say that I’m missing the days when I could keep blogging everyday, to document all the happenings and my life thoughts here...it seems I’m out of the style now, which is a pity for me...am I lazy, or am I trying to forget all the past...neither, I guess...Anyway, I’m trying to get myself back. Oh, I know one reason is that Meredith has been away for long time, first China, and then Scotland...I’m pretty sure when she comes back, and keeps her blog, I’ll follow her...she’s definitely my role model~

Several days ago, Jia put a wedding pics link on her blog because hers were there, therefore I got to spend almost three to four hours being hooked to all the gorgeous wedding pictures. But for me, from my deep heart, I wasn’t expecting mine at all...I was a pure visitor, feeling like that’s totally not my business...I’m so not like the other girls, who love shopping, company, pretty makeups, clothes, well, I may be fine with bags and shoes, but I’m not crazy. Yesterday I also spent some hours going through the so-called "fashion" section on a website, I was wondering why those gals were so crazy about the "ugly" or fair clothes, bags, extremely expensive for me though...Or maybe I should not judge here, everyone has the privilege to choose his/her lifestyle, there’s no "right" or "wrong", and there’s only "suitable" or "not suitable"...all I need to think about is the way I’m going to choose and the person that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with...yes, that’s all~no judge~

*****
Today I clarified with the Prof. about the conclusion of my paper, so that’s a good thing, which means I could finish the paper soon. It’s not that hard.

I finally made an appointment with Pam, and am getting close to talk about the recommendation letter issue, and I’m happy to see that I’m making progress...

I called Xiangxiang for catching up...and we talked a lot, still I missed to mention her friend got married in NYC. I popped the topic of my ex, and she’s honest to me anyway...I’m sure she felt my growing up. It’s always nice to catch up with old friends, but the only "friend" who I cannot catch up with is him, although it seems I knew all the things about him...he doesn’t know mine quite much...can I explain this as the difference between a girl and a boy? Somehow I wish him good luck because I’ve already seen mine, at least I’m with my sweet boy, who left a "missing you" at the end of his last email today, which seems better than the overwhelming gifts from Ann Taylor Loft~

The cookbook finally came so I can wrap my gifts now...still I haven’t decided the shirt though.

As the prof. always says, tomorrow is another day~

It’s true that I’m rambling now...but I want to keep my blog.

The very last email today from Dan seemed very cold, and there might be some reasons for that. It could be that he’s tired from the whole day’s work and shopping, and it could be that it’s late to give an emotional reply, and also it could be that he felt not happy with my "cold" reply without mentioning the concert...well, sensitive as me, there must be one of the above to be the right reason...should I care or not...I’ve been thinking too much about preparing some surprising gifts to him...and I really have some stress recently...anyway, I want to say, I’ve tried my best in this relationship, and I’m still a learner and could make some mistakes sometimes, nevermind!

I wasn’t feeling happy later today because when I was about to go home, xuxu said something that made me feel bad...I struggled again, which was painful. How I wish I could get some comfort from my "sweet" boy, but turned out I got from my sweet girlfriend, which was great, but still I wish some from him...that’s why I read the email again and again and tried to convince myself that was not a cold email...but I couldn’t...it was a cold email, and I was kinda disappointed.

I hope tomorrow would be another day as Prof. said~Never fall down, and I will not!I’m the strongest!

I was working late last night at school, which reminded me of my last day working at COSCO two years ago, I perfectly finished my meeting report, and had a sort of perfect ending there. Yesterday was my last official working day for this study season(2005-2007), which meant my OPT expired today. I’m using my grace period for staying one more month. The prof. is having a presentation today, so as usual, I was supposed to be in charge of all the preparation, unfortunately, he had too many ideas in his mind,and two other students had to work out some results and therefore, I had to wait until everyone finished, that’s the reason I almost stayed up. Finally I got something that could satisfy him, so again, it’s sort of an impressive ending, Daniel called it a fitting ending. For that reason, I couldn’t go with Daniel to visit his mom as we’d planned earlier, and I thought it’s a pity for me. Anyway I still have chances to visit later.

The interesting thing was later yesterday, ww sent me an email to notify that my ex is going back to China for work next month, it should not be the final destination, but at least for a couple of years he’ll stay there. Ww said she’s kinda shocked because he was the first person that she knew who chose to sacrifice the green card for a career path. I wasn’t having any feeling when I was told about the news, but later I was almost about to call him for talk, but I stopped myself from doing that. Don’t be silly, it’s true that we can be friends, but I may not take the way easily. Around the same time, he made a big decision about himself, and it’s like his fitting ending for this period. The more interesting thing that I realized is that we would still be in the same country, at the same time zone for the next year although we definitely would not be in the same city, and would not meet each other or contact each other. That was my thought this morning. Nevermind, this is just another confirmation that I got over, and I’m loving my nerd~

My sweetheart started learning Chinese, and he seems very serious...he asked me to be patient, apparently I’m not...so I’m wondering why he can bear my broken English and I always laugh at him about starting speaking Chinese, I guess I should encourage him more so that after one year, he can have some simple Chinese conversations with me or my parents. En, tomorrow he’s making dinner for me, and that’s why communication is important as he said, he’s improving~~~

So I guess the biggest relief for me now is that someday soon I can almost finish the paper, no matter what the quality would be, I just need to finish it to give myself an end. It’s time about packing, and my brain seems to be full of things that are needed to be done, I’m kinda screwed.

The prof. actually talked to me about the paper, and he even gave the outline in details, but still I couldn’t get it. Am I too stupid or too lazy? Everything is clear actually, and all I need to do is to put the tables on and add some words. I used to be good at writing when I worked in China, and although every time I felt very painful and stressful to put the words together, turned out when I sent the file to my boss, I was so happy that I’d thrown the thing away, and kept myself away from the responsibility. Now the feeling came back and I think I’m ready for working again. Talking about my job-hunting in China, I don’t know why, but I’m not very worried about it, the thing that I’m really keen on is the application thing. Reading the school webpages made me so excited and I really wish I can learn something new and live the life I want, staying with my boy, no need to schedule the meeting time everyday because we are going to be under the same roof and see each other everyday.

I slept very late last night, chatting with an old friend for a while, so today I’m totally out of energy to be concentrated. The bad thing is that we are having the weekly meeting tomorrow and I badly need to put the tables on my paper. Still I have no sense! Wish me good luck!

I’m totally not that role, but I was doing the same thing as an educator of my boy this afternoon for almost two hours, which made me almost exhausted...anyway, the weather was perfectly good and that was the thing I was enjoying!

So first of all, I’d like to talk something about my trip for D’s friends’ wedding ceremony at Nashville, Tennessee. Before the trip, I finally got excited because I was thinking that I would be going to witness two beloved people’s greatest moment in their life. Turned out the more you expect, the more you would be disappointed. The wedding was very normal, and I wasn’t touched by the love vows, actually I didn’t hear at all. And I’m so not a party person, but I had to go to the rehearsal dinner, and the wedding ceremony reception, both of which were more than four hours...that almost killed me! Daniel hung out with friends for two nights,and we even didn’t have much time to be with each other, and I felt really sad that I could not persuade myself to involve any gatherings with his crazy friends. We had a talk on the airplane heading back, but he said we were good. The interesting thing was that he started feeling anxious and sad today, and asked me for a chat around noon, I do care about him and his feeling, so there came the long chat in the afternoon.

I had to repeat all the things that I used to convince myself again and again to him, and to make sure he’s getting better and we could continue...I guess I start to love him too much and spoil him, but I just feel like that way. He made a pledge to me, which was really great and could make me feel more confident and securer. So we had a great night going to the bookstore to pick out books for his mom and he also bought a small Chinese book to show me how serious he is about "us". Then we went to grocery store, again I chose all the breakfast and junk drinks without anything for cooking:)

So I would say the chat was painful first but ended up well. This is the regular way for all the relationships, so I would not quit or have any doubt about ours, as I told Yichin yesterday, the strong belief and the real efforts would eventually help us out and make our dreams come true, being happy thereafter...

****
Meredith came back from Beijing, and she blogged part of her trip today, which made me excited.

Daniel and I were able to look at some pictures of Eva’s luxurious wedding at France in a magazine, which was amazing!She had 10 bridesmaids!!! We also read a lot of travel books, staying in the bookstore was such a great experience, I haven’t been doing that for really long time!

Chang got her visa for coming back to the US to start her Phd, which was really an example and a good sign for me~I can make it~too!

I remember in one episode of Sex and the City, carrie’s period was late, and she’s worried about that because she thought she’s not ready yet to be a mom. I have no idea if it’s because my mom mentioned a lot about this issue, or this is just my period pre-symptom--being overconcerned, I’m worried as well, although I know I’ll not get p*, and it’s still within the normal time...or, another reason for my anxiety could be that I’m going to the wedding, and I don’t want to be bothered by this problem while travelling, but it seems now I have to, and alright, it’s not a big deal anyway...

Hope everything is okay!!!!!

*****
I was planning to do some work at night, and that gave me the best reason to say no to Daniel for going to the bar thing...anyhow, I couldn’t make any progress on my work...I was still worried about the issue for almost the whole night. If that’s true, what should I do...I cannot imagine actually, and the thinking made me sick...I just hope tomorrow morning or the day after tomorrow I could relieve by getting what I should and need get, seriously...bless me!

This morning I still couldn’t relieve from my panic. I’m wondering, is this supposed to be the punishment for not listening to my mom? Am I thinking too much?

For all the truth, the thing that I imagined in my mind again and again would not happen actually, I should trust myself, but I’m just waiting for a simple fact to prove that I’m safe and correct...

Sorry, the panic makes me totally lose my mind and it seems I cannot write anything...

****
Finally there came the simple fact, so I’m relieved now, for all the troubles that I could think about...thank God!

****
I was waiting for the Tstorm, but it definitely would not come today~what the heck!

Alright, I prefer calling it was a dinner rather than a party, because it was about two hours and no alcohol at all, a very Chinese-style dinner. Daniel kept saying it was a nice dinner party, then that’s it. It took me probably half an hour to wash all the dishes and clean up the kitchen, but that was fine, it took Daniel much longer time to make the appetizer and the Marsala...so we were doing the job like a real couple, which was nice to think for both of us, I guess. The dinner was not special actually, I played with Aaron for a while, happily he played the cards with me like we were friends this time and didn’t hide from me anymore. Other friends were talking about gardening, travel, movies, the topics were random, but all were very fun. Anyway, it’s always good to have fun at summer time, which exactly like what Amy told me...

At night, when I held the boy sleeping, I could imagine everything that I wanted, like he’s my dearest, he’s my son, he’s my boy, whatever, he’s the one I love, and that’s the common part and the point. I wanted to say the three words, but it seemed they just couldn’t slip out of my mouth, and I guess we still need time to make it. And also I’m sure finally I could make it.

It’s a normal weekend, but I guess I need to speed up for the following, and I really do!

The July 4th night, Daniel’s youngest borther Rob was hanging out with friends, and didn’t call him to ask for a ride around midnight when we were heading home from the party. Later, Daniel emailed me to say how worried he was about his brother. The next morning, I checked the email from him around 2:15am, saying Rob just entered the door and he’s relieved...and he finally understood his parents...I was kinda relieved as well by saying he has a potential of being a good parent, which might be true.

Yesterday I reviewed Friends again, and I wanna say this TV show is really terrific, no matter how many times I watch it, I could always be amused. The episode yesterday was about a thanksgiving, Rachel’s sister was coming and made some stories. One was if Ross and Rachel both die, who will get the baby, friends are fighting about it...Ross and Rachel wish a responsible one could take the role of being the parent...

I had a talk with my mom yesterday as usual, seriously, it seems I never stopped writing to her everyday, and the connection is amazing.

So what’s my point here by writing so many unrelated topics...exactly, the parenting thing...yesterday my prof. was talking about the stories about his children and he asked us when we started to fight with parents...I remembered that I did that after I was 20, but my mom still couldn’t accept it at that time, she always thought I’m a good girl and probably would never fight with her, but that’s not true. Different generations always have conflicts...but now I’m thinking how I can fully understand my parents. They’ve been taking care of me since I came to the world, they’ve been giving me the best, life, education, supporting me to pursue my dreams...how hard is that...understanding parents is never easy, maybe because we easily get their love and don’t know how to appreciate it, or we are too young to think about it...anyway, we should try to do that because that’s an important part to get ourselves mature, and to be a good parent someday. Being an individual, we sometimes focus on the successful career, personal reputation, our own love, and we seldom take some time to think about parents, and we take it for granted that they should always love us, but what about us? It’s easy to say "love" but hard to really "love".

Good to know my parents’ relationship is getting better and they are sort of a happy couple now, and I wish it could last long.

眼前有盛大的烟花，有拥吻的情侣，有醉酒的朋友，拍照，欢呼，是热闹的party，在位置绝佳的山顶，主人有设计精美的豪宅，亭台水榭，观焰火最好的deck，只是没有food，好在下午给rob介绍中国菜，外加大杯bubble tea，我已经够饱了。美国人的party我总也融入不了，原本并不了解他们会说些什么，还以为是自己多么不能明白的事情，其实也不过是些普通生活，这点全世界人民都一样。

我在乎的可能只是身边的这个人，并不介意15分钟的焰火，我们没有拥抱，没有kiss，只是末了他牵了我的手，已经让我感到了力量和那种connection。。。也许我们会一直走下去的吧，明年的July 4th，我们会不会在阳朔的西街或者丽江的某个茶庄谈过去，谈未来。。。总觉得我们都是稳定和重感情的人，大概会有些隐约的幸福可以预见。

妈妈很担心，说希望我们现在保持距离，以便今后可以适应，我左右思量，这种担心其实挺多余的，第一次，我被伤得惨不忍睹，我知道那个时候是我幼稚，可是现在我已经清醒并且成长了，we have a really strong base for our relationship, so I’m pretty sure we’ll continue to love, to share...一年前我仍旧独自神伤，为ex的一通电话激动许久，完全不记得那人是怎么伤我的，如今我可以见到电话决定接或者不接，要放下那段伤痛并不容易，可喜的是，我已经彻底move on了。。。从上一个感恩节到现在，回首总是让我们两个都惊讶不已，just like all the natural friendship, we are getting closer and closer along the way...

Like always, I could make wishes at fireworks time, but this July 4th, I didn’t do that, either I forgot, or I believe I could make wishes everyday as long as I’m a person who always keeps the passion for life!

I’ve been helping one of my college classmates on her visa application issue for several days, going through all the procedures is absolutely a good reminder that how hard I worked at that time pursuing my dream of coming here to study and experience the totally different life...also it gives me some sense that how much work I need to do next before I could come again and continue my life here...Again, life is never easy, but I need keep in mind that I can work hard to make it...I have my faith!

I don’t want to complain, but I’m really depressed that my roommate’s brother-in-law will stay in our tiny apt till this Friday...alright, I can accept her sister to stay here, which is troublesome already, I do hate the noise...but now there’s one more strange guy...who can always make the bathroom messy, which almost could make me sick(he’s nice anyway, but that’s not the point) So I’m having a tiny wish that Friday could come soon, and I can bear this with a good mood!

It’s so cool that at the time I’m about to bed, I got to know Barack Obama’s facebook, apparently it’s registered by one of his supporters, but it really shows the freedom of this nation.I love it!

Happy July 4th!

I’ve heard from two girls that when people in a relationship fight, nothing could compete with the hug, just a simple hug could fix a big problem...I think that way as well...totally the same...

So today when Daniel and I walked in the park, I was waiting for a hug, and there wasn’t, till in my room, I gave him some hint about the magic hug...so I guess I need to clarify with him, next time when we fight, just simply give me a hug if he’s ok with that...then everything should be fine...

Anyhow it’s good that I can speak out something that I’ve hidden for long time and make him clear about what I was thinking about and mad at...so we could continue our good relationship...and also that’s the way all the relationships go.

We had a cold start and kinda a warm end, so I hope we are good, or even much better...

For all the relationships, fight is a necessary part...like I was told many times, that is really good actually for any relationship...I was a little bit worried that when my first fight with Daniel would happen since we are both very easy and stable...turned out I don’t have to worry about it anymore...we just had our first fight yesterday...it’s kinda weird but I’m really happy about it now...after long-time crying, causing a huge headache, anyhow I’m kinda relieved!

The reason was really really simple, and it’s about going to a party or not...as always I refused to go, but this time Daniel seemed to care about it a lot, and he simply said "I don’t understand", then he kept silent but with the phone holding on...it made me feel very uncomfortable, but I’d decided not to compromise. So I didn’t change my mind till he said "then I’ll call you when I come back"...the whole night was actually not easy for me, I did some personal stuff, but I was thinking again and again, "should I call him to tell that I’ve changed my mind and I could go"...but finally I didn’t make the phone call, and then there came the fight, the cold fight, the first fight of us...we talked as usual, but sensitive as me, I did sense the difference of his attitude to me...I kept silent as well...but I was feeling very sad and started to cry this afternoon, which couldn’t stop, through almost the whole night! This morning when he sent me home, usually he says something sweet or see you later...but today it seemed he wanted to leave without saying anything...I was feeling uncomfortable at that time as well, because he just sat on his couch and checked the news, treating me as a stranger, and totally forgot the breakfast...

From the email he sent me later, I got to know he still couldn’t forget about last night, which meant he cared a lot...

Something amazing was that we were writing the emotional emails at about the same time (he wrote longer and faster than me, but probably he read more before sending than me...so I couldn’t tell if we were writing at exactly the same time or not), but we clicked on the "send" button at exactly the same time, which both of us realized later...the difference was that he followed another email after reading mine, but I didn’t... sometimes a girl should wait for a boy’s apology even she’s the person who should also say something about apology...well, that was almost the end of the fight story, with a later email saying he’s going to bed early and wished me a good sleep as well...I could feel we could be getting closer from now on, and we are passing the first test of our partnership!