格桑花

I got flu this morning without fail for everyone who comes back from a clean place to China...it’s the first time I got this for the past two years, so the feeling was very strange.

I’m spending my second night at this tiny room, but I do wish someday this would be a place I’d love to miss, because I was working for my offer here...

So I was too busy last week to blog here, and to mention my boy’s great story about our dream. It’s a very interesting and exciting story~

One day at night we were walking on Walnut street talking about our future plan, and he even mentioned that he’d like to go to Switzerland if he couldn’t make MIT, and he may find some free master program there for me...I didn’t think that’s a possibility for us, so I just said I would not do that, somehow in my mind, he would make MIT...he randomly told me his collaborator knows the director of the lab, and could recommend him someday, and it would be better to possibly get the offer...I didn’t think he’s serious until the day he told me that his collaborator was going to Boston and would recommend him in person to the director...the following was very smooth, my boy got the opportunity to submit his resume and the contact of the director, he’s going to meet the director when he went for a conference at Boston...we didn’t expect that later the meet turned to be a formal interview, first a 30-minute group presentation, and then 8 individual 30-minute interviews...my boy is my boy, he finally made it, he definitely will go to Boston next year...the day of his dream coming true was only a few days away from the day we were confused wandering on Walnut, but my intuition worked well that he would go to Boston! My intuition also tells me that I might go there to start and finish my PhD, I do hope it’s true!

My job-hunting in China is going well so far, and tomorrow I’m having an interview from Seattle, wish me good luck and I can make it!!! It’s also one part of our dreams, I wish we both could work hard to make our dreams come true...Boston, we are on the way!

It’s been a week that I was running in the damn city...for so many times that I wanted to say living in Beijing sucks~this morning when mom and I were heading to the south part of the city by taking a terrible bus, I said that again...

I couldn’t remember clearly what my life looked like for the past week, I only feel pretty tired and missing my boy badly...emails were not enough at all! I took bus, metro, walk...the city is too huge and crowded, and dirty...I complained a lot to Dan, but for sure he couldn’t understand~

The best thing was that my boy got the greatest offer from his dream lab, it happened too fast to be true...but it is. So at that time I got to know the news, I wanted to tell every friend that we are on the way to our dream city!

I’ll be blogging tomorrow when I get my room organized...thank god, I finally can sit in my room and write!

I’m doing my packing today, and now I’m forced to have a break because I’m feeling a terrible backache...

I got some heartwarming gifts from Daniel’s family with a card signed by his parents and sisters, and it was quite touching that I could get best wishes from the family...even because of the car issue, mom seemed to be stressed about and feel very depressed, I was trying my best to comfort her, which made myself anxious and stressful...I do hope everything could go smoothly, but sometimes you just cannot control the whole thing, then the best way is to take whatever, as we are strong people, and we can conquer by a strong mind~

Somehow I’m having my boy and all the friends to support me, and I’m not alone~so I’ll make it without fail!

It takes long time to finally figure out what a good typical weekend should be for Daniel and me, so that both of us could relax and enjoy the time being with each other and doing things together...thank god, we are having our typical weekend now~

So this weekend is our last weekend spending time together this year, and I do cherish it a lot...we planned long time ago because some of my friends were going to host parties for me and other people who are going to leave soon as well...besides the parties, it’s natural for us to do something together, like brunch, shopping, cooking and tv...all in all, we are enjoying our typical weekend very much ~

Yesterday I told Daniel that he is my reward, which I do feel that way~no one else can make me feel the deep affection and connection, but him~so when he told me the story about his eye surgery when he was two years old, I felt very sorry for him...and I could tell that’s "love"...

Sometimes thinking about saying good-bye makes me sad, but at the same time I would always think about our promising future, which could make me feel excited...so we both will work hard to make it! Yes, I’m convincing myself all the time!

***
As a Chinese, I should be proud that China is going to host the biggest world event soon and show the whole world the beautiful and powerful country, but somehow I’m a little bit worried. The simple case is that I’m going to land on 18th at Beijing, but the government has planned to take some air pollution test and will limit the cars in the city, turned out my aunt cannot drive to pick me up in the airport that day just because of the car’s license number issue...that sounds so ridiculous, but it’s true. An easy thing turned to be a difficult one, and I need to ask my friend for help, which I’m not sure if he has the same problem with the license number issue. Can I say government sucks? Or am I in a bad luck because the rule will only work exactly around my arriving day...but still I wish China will host a successful event, which I will still be proud of!

I was done~~~~~no matter how, no matter what, I spend several hours, seriously working hard...I hope it’s a good ending, even it’s not perfect, at least it should be somehow satisfying...

At the time I clicked on the "send" button, the weather incredibly turned to be awesome, with sunshine and blue sky, being totally different from the previous days, even this morning, exactly like my name and my mood~I was relieved like I graduated again~the feeling was so similar as one year ago when I finished my last exam to get my master degree~

But also with my final work was done, the day for my leaving is even closer...I wish I could see mom soon, but it’s just so hard to say bye to all the friends here, my love and the city, the country...I know I definitely will be back...it’s still hard, too hard to say bye~

I remember last week during the meeting, I promised that I would finish my paper this week, so at that time I thought about Wednesday, and this week during the meeting, which was today, Thursday, I gave another promise that I would finish tomorrow, Friday...so I really pushed myself to the edge. Because next week I would not go to school anymore except for the party and a small talk with the prof..

The deadline is not a bad thing, which made me recall my life at Heinz when doing my master, I could wait till the last day before the deadline and stayed up to finish a high-quality paper, but for me, it’s really painful...seems I never changed, am I obsessed to the feeling of being stressful? Anyway, the deadline has been set, and I need to speed up...Daniel encouraged me saying I can do it~~~

Xin replied to me this morning talking about the housing issue, and I convinced myself that she’s not a bad girl, actually she’s still nice...

Daniel promised that he would try to make creme brulee for me tomorrow, why he’s always so sweet...I’m so happy of having him, seriously~

I repeated again and again, I’m having a bad luck today, and I’m telling the truth, but, partially...

I got an email from mom and she requested me to pop the housing issue to my previous roommate, which was kinda tough for me considering about my roommate’s attitude yesterday. I guess I was afraid. So immediately I replied to mom and said no, and also listed some reasons. But to be a good girl, I do not want to stress mom out, I finally did what she asked me to do. I wrote a long email to my roommate, and that’s the most considerate email I’d ever written since I came here, I guess, which I told Daniel tonight. I was feeling some butterflies in my heart this morning and couldn’t work at all, all my thinking went to the writing email thing. Thank god, finally I did and I relieved. Mom noticed my anxiety and comforted me at night by saying no matter what, it’s a small thing and that would not bother her anyway. I was glad to receive the message even it’s not from mom’s heart and just for the comfort.

The bad luck came again when I was about going home at night. Normally I leave at 5pm, but today the professor left something in my office and he ran in and out, saying " don’t lock me out", there I was, staring at the black clouds, being worried about the coming rain, regretting not to bring my umbrella today with me when I was out with the sunshine in the morning...so when the professor left, I quickly cleaned up the table and left as well, hoping I could get home before the rain...the shuttle got too many red lights on the road and the traffic, so I finally couldn’t make it, ending up running in the rain home...I was telling myself, this was something that would test my persistence and would send me to Boston next year with my boy...so it’s not bad~

I do have something that could cheer me up occasionally during the day. I had a very smooth and enjoyable talk with Prof Lewis, and she said she’d like to write the letters for me even she would be busy at that time. I gave her a silk scarf from China and she seemed to love it~

Just after I took a shower due to being wet from the rain, I checked my email, and my boy told me some progress about his application to the Langer lab, which was really an exciting news, and we are seeing hope somehow~

So the ups and downs made my day, and the feeling of taking the rollercoast wasn’t good, but it was not bad as well, at least when you are in the downs, you are having the hope of getting close to the ups very soon:)

I saw Meredith’s pictures in China today at the time exactly one year from today, a big world event would happen in Beijing, so I’m writing here for mark...

傍晚，等校车回家，微风阵阵，积蓄两天的潮气终于有了散去的可能，司机放了我们一班鸽子，我于是就地打开电脑，收到daniel的回复，说如果家里热了，可以去他家，零食、饮料加上鼓励的话，统统都是免费赠送的。。。顿时觉得自己爱的这个人真是个宝贝。

回到家，同屋正努力烹饪，我也不便打搅，于是在blog狂敲了一通，接到li的电话，总是很庆幸认识了绍大哥夫妇这么好的人。当然人和人都是互动的，他们对我好，我也想方设法要去关心他们，于是感情就这么深了。然后是daniel的电话，说正和他弟弟努力修理洗碗机呢。

之后我们有了一次夜间散步。去了店全都打烊，不过橱窗依旧阑珊的walnut，开始的调子比较轻松，后来转到我的paper，然后更是谈到了未来，让我有些不安。我用尽全力去说服自己的不确定性又一次浮出水面。不确定性依旧是不确定性，不到明年的春夏，我们谁也不知道，到底命运的面纱揭开以后，呈现的是什么？因为荷尔蒙的原因，这次轮到我脆弱了，临告别，想着先前的对话，还有需要付出的努力，和那些些未来，我有些泪光闪烁，还有几天，我就要离开了，再见daniel也不知道是哪天，回想起毕业典礼和ying最后的拥抱，我终究没忍住泪，很怕下周在机场，自己不能自已。。。daniel终于成了我舍不得的好朋友，and my love...

但是我还是要坚信，我们都是聪明人，我们都可以把握未来。。。信念是拥有无限力量的东西，可以送我们到想到的地方！于是我们的未来就会是我们想要的未来！这大概是我第一次为了要和一个人在一起拼尽全力，而且也应该是最后一次。无限祈祷和努力吧～

I was checking my email in the morning as usual, and I just expected something from my mom...but today I got one from my previous roommate at Beijing, I wasn’t shocked anyway, but it was a surprise...she told me she’s in Germany for two-month work and she’s going to enjoy the relaxing time there. After a careful consideration, I finally let her know my going-back plan, and talked a little bit about my boy. We used to be very close and share almost everything in life...but I guess I would not do it anymore...there are some reasons for that: We are not living together anymore, and there’s no point for me to report everything to her, which she could not totally understand and support anyhow. She’s having her new marriage life; She didn’t treat my mom very well when mom stopped by Beijing last time, actually she did very bad, which made me unhappy...She’s kinda complicated for me, even I know she’s always expecting a simple and tranquil life, which she could barely get in China. I’m not as complicated as her, and I’m doing everything I want without thinking too much, and I don’t know what she thought about that, and I actually don’t have to know because this is just my life. After I told her something about my life, she seemed to be quiet, and maybe she’s thinking...anyway, I wish she’s doing well for her new life. As a result, I didn’t say too much about my plans, and I just told her we could meet someday in Beijing.

My boy is a very simple person, and that’s why I love him more and more...for people who don’t know my life a lot, they would only simply think I WANT to be with American, but the truth is that I WANT to be with someone who deserves my love, who’s nice, smart, generous....and he’s quite a match~it’s totally not about that he’s an American, it’s just about that he’s a simple person that I respect and love...

Another thing that I’d been thinking about this morning was that mom is the only one I could share everything in my life, because I’m coming from her...

I made some progress on my final work today, which was good and I do need to keep up~~~Oil, oil!!!

This is the quote on my facebook for my day, or days:

"You can feel a change in the air"---This is so true, recently the weather has been extremely hot~well, I’m kidding though, the "something" in the air has been in my mind for too long time, and will keep there for the next couple of months~

"and you can tell it will be strikingly positive."---I hope so, it’s the right time for people to strikingly feel a regular summer...and as for my future, I should be sure that I’ve made a correct decision~

"You may need to push things a little bit to get anywhere, but the good news is that it should all be incredibly simple."---I’m having a lot of things on my to-do list again, as the going-back-home day is coming~ also I included my big one, the one related to my career and my love....so I love this "incredibly simple" comment, this has given me incredible courage to conquer~I swear~

I hope I’m overconcerned again like last time I worried about my delayed period...because this is almost the time for my pre-period symptom--anxiety...and I do hope everything will be going well...now what I’m thinking is totally the opposite...

I could clearly remember the other day when we were hectic about the presentation, the prof’s attitude was fine, who can still keep smiling and finish all the tasks without saying anything after his bad mood...I guess, it’s just me~I hope he could sense that~this morning he had a presentation,and he was still busy on the preparation when I was in and he said to me nothing...then I started feeling, would he talk to me later? Not anymore? That would be terrible~

I talked to Yichin on MSN, she said I AM apparently overconcerned and she’s 100% sure the prof. is fine with me. I hope this will be confirmed this afternoon, then I could relieve...I couldn’t help but asking again, why life is always so tough for me~~~

As the leaving day is coming, I’m so frail, not strong anymore...but I made my mind that I shouldn’t cry in the airport, that’s totally not allowed...

Last night when Daniel and I talked about the date, we both realized again--time flies...31 days for July, we did a lot of things together, every weekend, wedding, BBQ, Erie, our bumps, we were feeling more and more like a couple, but at this point, it’s almost the time to say good-bye, the fact is kinda cruel~

There’s nothing special for every August, it always connects summer and fall, a lot of endings and a lot of beginnings as well, but this August might be a little bit special for me, I’m heading home in less than 20 days, the city, the people that I dreamt about many times will virtually show up in my life...the thing that won’t change is that I’m still gonna miss the city and the people at the other side of the world.

I’m feeling I’m having a better relationship with my boy these two days, just because he’s a easy and simple person, which touched myself to tear tonight, and so my type, or my favorite type. I couldn’t appreciate more how’s life treating me... I feel like he’s probably the best thing in my life, which I didn’t realize at the very beginning...I read huaren a lot recently, people share life stories there, which is great. Meanwhile xx had a great entry about growing up and being strong to control our life by ourselves...I have the same feeling, as we are getting old, and figuring out more about the world, we are feeling better and better about where we are going, and what we are doing...I’m happy that I’m on the way,although somehow I’m kinda slow...

***
My friends are always great, Sisi would give a presentation at Federal Reserve Bank soon...I’m so proud of her~I should also work hard to get myself better and better...

The ending, the beginning, wish me good luck~