格桑花

I’m taking email break with my boy, till now I haven’t written to him for more than one day, which was rare for the past couple of months, and we’d been writing everyday a lot of emails, and we were flooding each other’s inbox everyday~ Well, I just want to quit my addiction to his emails, and I want to gain courage and strength by myself, I cannot depend on anyone anymore...

So I’m taking my break~

There’s the bump one after another, last time was about the school choices, this time, probably also because of the school, which I actually had no idea~I just feel I’m losing the connection with my boy...by reading the cold emails again and again, I was having a lot of thoughts haunting my mind and tears in my eyes~what is he doing now, why does he so easily get tired now, what’s wrong with us...is it the absolute consequence of the long distance? He went back to his single and selfish lifestyle so easily, has he ever thought about me when he’s crazily drinking? What does he really want? I cannot understand. Am I going to fail again? Alright, I’m not strong enough, and if this time I fail again, I may lose my confidence for relationship forever~

Well, there are different kinds of tears, and my heart was getting warm and eyes were getting wet again when I got my cousin’s email around noon. He’s doing fine in Torondo, he’s always positive and nice, or emotional when he mentioned that he wants me to say hi to grandma if I go to visit her later. He’s been my idol since I was a kid and we always played together on the street outside of our grandma’s apartment...time flies~he’s been staying in Canada for 5 years, and meanwhile I’ve been running around the world~but always I could get all the courage and strength from him, he’s actually the one I would never feel disappointed with~he’s always the greatest cousin and friend in my heart.

I guess I should not feel sad about the losing connection thing, I should be strong and fight with my life all the time~

I was going to post my thoughts about my college classmates gathering here yesterday, but I was too tired to make it. The gathering itself was not so satisfying, E and I spent almost two hours to get there for the meeting. We had a late dinner, gals sang a lot, danced a lot, and one of them even got drunk and sick. I got a lot of bites from the mosquito, which made me ugly again(was it really a curse from my chief?) And the next morning, we sent one girl off at the railway station, and then I headed home. That’s almost all about the gathering. So we didn’t catch up or gossip, didn’t talk about any life thoughts for the past five years. For me, I just experienced the long commute and an almost sleepless night. Somehow I felt the power of time again, we’ve been changed in different ways due to our different life experiences. I was writing to my boy that I’m still in the school environment, but they are open to the public society.

I was having a lot of thoughts last night when I came back, but now they are all gone. Anyway it’s still good that I had the experience to realize the changes of myself or other friends. And I’m also sure that I’m on the right way, and the future with my boy would be exciting and sweet.

We had some email communications during the day, including the real life and the relationship. All I want is that I could work hard and get the desirable offer from the dream city~

This is very strange: when I had a quiet life in Pittsburgh, I had so much to write everyday, now my life is chaotic, I feel like that I’m having nothing to leave here~~~

Thank god I could be blogging here...haven’t had the access to here for a couple of days~

Thank god I had another fight with my boy, which made us clearer about our future and closer...

Thank god I refreshed my mind and accepted the truth about work and I’m getting used to it~

Thank god the weather turned to be sunny and I’m having a college classmates gathering this weekend~

Thank god I’m making progress on my application and I could see the day with tears of joy~

Thank god!!!

’Far away’ is that kind of song that I would love at my first listening, but at that time I didn’t know that was such a fit song for my current situation. It’s been more than one month for me and my boy to be separated. I’m pretty sure both of us want the hugs or kisses from each other, but we just simply couldn’t, it’s toooooo far away to do that~we almost had a fight the other night about our settling down city, of course Boston is our first goal, and we are right on the way. But from my side, there would be some possibilities, and we need to wait till next year to finally know. After the fight, we both thought a lot, and came to the conclusion that we are suited very well and prepared to share life together...sometimes I feel confident, but I could easily be influenced by one sentence or even one word. So I do need him to be strong and patient and confident with me~I told him he’s my world this morning, by saying this, I touched myself almost to tear...how lucky I am to find out my world...

How tough would the next 8 months be like? I probably have no idea, and he probably has no idea as well...but we do have the common goal and strong minds...as I told him, love can conquer all~so I love my boy, and I love him a lot, and I do wish to share everything of my life with him...is it close to my love vow?

Yes, we are far away, but we love each other, and someday next year, we could hold hands walking through the business district in our dream city~so I would be working hard every night now...to make the dream come true, yes, I’m restating it...

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Today I spent most of the time in the office to relax because the chief was not around. And I hope it’s a good idea to take some break!
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I love you,I miss you~

It’s pretty hard to keep blogging here during workdays, as Meredith would say, the blog horse just stopped...the commute in the huge city simply could make me exhausted everyday, and then I missed a lot of trivial but great pieces in my life, which was very pathetic...from just this point, I prefer being a student much more than being an employee...

So here are some stories that I could retrieve from my getting-worse memory...

Yesterday morning I went to the Beijing Bureau of Justice again for the stupid annual audit thing(I mean fixing it is really stupid), and this time I got in because I did bring my introduction letter, somehow I still couldn’t understand what the point is for showing the safe guard the introduction letter, and why it’s much more convincing than a personal ID card, and who set this rule (he/she must be really silly...) The weather was rainy, chilly and very nasty everywhere, and it took me long time to go back to the office. At the moment I opened my gmail, I got three sweet messages from my best friends and my love...it’s very very heartwarming and suddenly my eyes were full of tears...ww and yichin encouraged me again about going back to my dream life, and also ww updated me her trip to NYC...my love definitely wrote me a quite touching one,saying the empty trunk made him think about some small things of us, well, that’s something I could remember as well, which was very sweet to think of~if two people could both pay attention to and keep in mind the small things, they must really love each other and try to truly share life together...I hope he and I are doing this~

Later at night, I got an emotional email from my boy, and he said he’d like to send me a formal handwritten mail, but the emotional thoughts just came out periodically:) This time he let me know some truth that I’d never known, he said he’s not really serious and ready for the relationship at first even he’s the one who’d been pushing to start, because he’d suffered from the previous one and became cautious...and he’s becoming ready because of my support and encouragement~so I know this time I also made a correct decision as we were both cautious and slowly building the base of the relationship. And it should be a fruitful one later~I’m touched, pleased and grateful that life has been giving me a lot...the moment of dreams coming true two years ago, the ordeal experiences to make me mature(both study and love), the degree that I pursued, the great friendship that’s almost out of my expectation, and finally the great love that I’ve been cherishing~

I’m still holding dreams in my mind and life could be more beautiful, much more than we could think about...so now I’m experiencing the ordeal again, but it’s quite necessary and it could be a bridge to the dream country, the dream city, the dream persons, and all the dream moments...I’m crossing my fingers everyday~also I’m working hard everyday toward my dreams~

秋雨总归给人一些离愁别绪，ww今天离开那个她生活了四年的城市，开始人生新旅程，昨日接到她长长update的邮件，我的心微微发颤，虽然我们已经远隔千里万里，可是仿佛今天我就在那个城市和她告别，甚至有些泪想要涌出。过去的两年我总想一提再提，实在是因为这样的两年弥足珍贵，我想倍加珍惜，再以后的学生生涯，大概还会遇到可爱的朋友，但是也许总会觉得不如过去的两年了。

今天一天雨，整个城市再次瘫痪，清晨在车上醒来睡去，车却纹丝不动，原本有些怨气，可是既然已经在这座城市生活，又为什么要抱怨呢？比如某日看到一个矮小的残疾人面带微笑熟练上车，又比如看到那些为城市贡献的民工午餐不过是些便宜无营养完全用来充饥的饼，心里又有一些暗涌，有敬佩，有同情，只觉得自己眼下的生活要好好珍惜，有父母的爱，朋友的情，是一个精神世界完整充实的人，有什么可抱怨的呢？

这一整天都奔波在外，银行里我的表格总算是可以再不怎么出错了，可是国家机关的门外，我傻乎乎没有介绍信，于是奔波一个多小时，从出租跳到地铁再从地铁跳到出租的经历彻底没了意义，只是那一刻，车开过美国大使馆，我意识到自己全身的神经都在颤抖，唤起的也许是两年前的那个清晨怀揣梦想，又或者是憧憬着明年的某一天再次揣着那个梦想故地重游。。。于是我知道，自己的梦还在，激情还在，于是我知道，我的梦想一定会成为事实！！！

Who can tell me how many couples are separated now...I wanna the actual number to convince my boy, that this is tough, but we are not alone, and we can do it...when I was checking the school information last night, again the only school that I would like to choose in Boston would be BC, mom said I could try harvard, somehow I’m not confident about the ad, even I could get it, I’m also not sure if I could push myself to the edge to get that degree. Sisi told me this program in BC is fairly ok for the workload and the job market seems fine. Alright, that’s always me, never expected the best, but I do wish something great. And I guess BC is quite a fit for me. Applying for only one school is definitely risky, and for that reason I would also consider about others...so there are some in the west coast, which are really great...my boy said, ok, you can dream about Berkeley, but you should choose Boston if you want to stay with me together...

Sadly, by saying that, he told me the story from the crazy party he’d have with his crazy friends...two flirtatious girls wanted to sleep with him! Even he said he rejected them, he’s kinda drunk and wrote something that didn’t make any sense...I was sad, really, really...I hope he would realize that and may apologize later...

When we talk about two people being with each other, what are the most important factors to keep the relationship, is it the love, or something else, let’s say, sex, timing, location...yes, it’s never easy to tell as what I was thinking...

This is the first real weekend that I have since I came back, and it’s been three weeks...my boy called me this morning for chat, which made me happy... I mean I was happy on the phone, not sure about the reason, but apparently it’s just because I was talking to him.

He told me about his night hanging out with my friends, and his conference plan next year, which made me think life could always be out of control and the only thing that would never change is the change itself. I do wish he could make a good plan for going to the conference and visiting China. His voice is kinda mature on the phone, but in the emails he’s still my true boy, cute, sincere, nerdy, as the one I love. He asked me the mail address later in the email and I was not sure what he’s going to mail me someday:) But it should be pleasurable. Oh, there’s a very funny story about his calling me...he bought some cheap phone card by asking Wei, but the card might be only for Chinese, and there’s no English option, so the poor boy cannot understand the voice, all he did was waiting for the voice to finish and then he would dial the next numbers...he said he tried five times this morning...well, that’s my boy~

I was trying to relax and start my application writing today, but as always, the beginning part would not be easy and was kinda slow.Still I’m confident that I could do a great job,and make my dream come true...

I also got an email from Yichin this morning saying Rema asked her to take 5 courses this semester, Rema is so pushing, I don’t think that Yichin could not handle it as what she stated, but I could imagine the huge stress or pressure. Wish her all the best~Someday 5 years later I would see her tears of joy...yes, I believe so...

At the end of the day, I finally could calm down from my day’s ups and downs...my bad luck came to hit me again during the day...my boy was trying to figure out something that’s unrelated to our current situation, my work was very messy, my cell phone broke down...yes, those things upset me a lot...for sure the work was the major part as my mom said I’m sort of a perfectionist. At some point, I felt like I’d decided I was going to quit tomorrow and I couldn’t bear for one more second. I even stupidly called a friend to yell...but finally with Ingrid’s encouragement, I decided to stay. I was thinking about what mom has been doing for me, and what would happen if I tell her that I’m going to quit. Honestly, it’s not easy to get the job, and there would be a lot of negative effects if I quit. So I hope I’ve made my mind...

Tonight I was able to read Qiuhan’s entry about my leaving Pittsburgh, and I was suddenly touched to tear by reading it, and missing all the old time we used to spend together in the city. So I gained some energy, with friendship and love...that’s another reason that I should stay strong because I’ve got so much love, and actually already very lucky!

Later, I checked abc, and got to preview all my favorite shows’ premieres, all of them looked attractive, and I was excited about the new seasons. Sadly I could not watch them online, which would only be viewed within the U.S. But never mind, I’ll be able to watch them later...

Tomorrow would be another day~I’m having some new concern about my application, but I know finally I would be fine! Qiuhan said she would wait for me at JFK!

There’s no sunny day in Beijing actually, everyday is like a cloudy day even if you could see the sunshine...and that’s just one messy part of my life now...

I never thought the going-back life could be bad like this even I thought I was prepared...life is tough, work is tough, moving on is also very very tough...keeping the connection with my boy, of course, as well...so I chose the toughest test in people’s life and I wish I could conquer all later on.

I kinda regret that I accepted the job offer, alright, I guess I’m not brave enough to take all the chanllenges, but comparing to my goal, it’s too far away, and kinda wastes my energy. What am I doing? I ran out of a hot pot two years ago, and now I’m jumping into another one, and even hotter...I may survive with my strong mind, but I know I would not happy with having this job. All my thoughts went to Boston, even the Phd could be tougher...

Like my boss told me, I should slow down, and meanwhile I wanna tell myself to calm down, keep the goal in mind and always follow it...

The best thing for today is that Meredith has been back to blog, reading it could always cheer me up and give me some sense of writing...she talked about his son’s leaving, and it’s an old topic on her blog somehow, but everything related to the family bonding is quite touching for me, so I thought it’s also a great entry...

Mom is going to cook for me today and tomorrow, and I appreciate a lot, and also I accepted her suggestion that I do my school research quite carefully this weekend and start to build my personal statement. I’m surprised that now it’s still something that could make me excited and exactly like the situation of two years ago, I hope it’s a good sign...

The last thing, I promise I’ll be blogging everyday...and it’s very important to keep my old lifestyle~

Sep. 1st could always hit my nerve as I’ve been used to be a student, and this date is a constant mark for a new school year in China. From this day, everything is supposed to be new for students...

I was away in the U.S for the past two Sep.1sts, and this year I’m right here to sense everything new~I’m having a new job, my life would change again from study to work...I was used to work two years ago, but now I’m comfortable with being a student...it’s always hard for me to adjust, but the funny thing is that I should do it quite often.

I’m a little bit nervous as I haven’t worked for really long time~~~just wish me good luck for the commute~ I would extremely appreciate!