格桑花

Again we were fighting, but I was not surprised...just hope everything will be ok~no energy to write~and will be back in blogging when I relieve from the stress...

Best of Luck!

The traditional holiday season is finally coming in less than a month, and it’s supposed to be the time to stay happy and excited, but for my boy and me, we are probably the exceptions, at least for tonight~

He felt depressed that I could not be with him even with the fact that he’s coming to visit me next January and we are going to have so much fun...I simply can do nothing...meanwhile mom got a phone call from my aunt that grandpa is almost at the final stage of his life, which made mom tremble...and that made me sad as well thinking about the first 12 years of my life being taken care of by grandpa...couldn’t help tearing again and again...mom would head back to Wuhan, but my applications are still on the way, finalizing is probably better than starting, but without her support cooking for me, taking care of my apartment, I would have less time working on plus I’m having some deadlines at work...anyway after the struggles of thoughts, I think I should be able to handle it because someday when I really need to take more courses about the complicated statistics, regression, need to write more proposals, papers, I should be prepared and strong to deal with all the stress, and now it’s like a small warm-up~I will make it perfectly!!!

Please forget about the sad night, for me, for my boy...God bless grandpa~~~

It took me long to finally decide the schools to apply for and write my sincere emails to the professors, including all the greetings and letter details...I’m still having a lot to do, somehow I’m kinda relieved, like you were taking a 100 lbs package, now you are taking 80 lbs...which is definitely better~the left would all depend on myself, and I’m having the feeling of control, so I should be able to handle the left part well, and send out all the packages on time...this would be just the first step, but I’m trying my best to make dreams come true~

My boy helped me a lot on this, and I’m feeling again that we are right on the way...first met, had fun, bumps, help, all of which could be paving the way to the common destination~I’m quite pleased about that~

I was thrilled to find a nice hotel for us near my place with mom last night, and the price was just my budget, which was sooooo great~and I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about his trip next Jan, and it’s ridiculous that I got so excited by myself...I read two famous blog on sina everyday, where you could come up with some nice ideas about travel, having fun, restaurants in Beijing, well, I guess I’ll carefully pick up some interesting places to go with my boy, where I’ve never been for the past 8 years...

Life is promising and please keep faith!!!

Last night and this morning I was taking rollercoaster AGAIN~I was told the bad news about my application and suddenly felt very very down, but meanwhile I was trying my best to explain my situation to the school and hope that they could accept it and give me a consideration. But I couldn’t relieve till I get the reply, which for sure would take time...I couldn’t wait to tell my boy the bad news as I was not strong enough to take it by myself, and sharing with mom was somehow not enough...he’s always more positive than me even he also didn’t think that was good, he told me that I should be optimistic, and there’s always a way to work things out...

Due to the bad news, I suddenly lost my energy to work on, and simply sent out the emails to two professors and left the most important one till today...then I went to bed, not knowing that my boy was working hard to send a lot of emails to comfort me and himself, booking the air tickets to make our reunion a realization. So this morning when I opened my email box, the information was kinda overwhelming, including the most desirable reply from BC, the exciting flight details from my boy, and the nice support from professor Lewis, that’s the most exciting morning I’d ever had...the rollercoaster just wound up~

I remember I wrote before, but now I need to reassure myself again, never feel down when the rollercoaster goes down as people should believe there are always the moments it would wind up with the enough engine power and hard efforts~

Good luck for everything, baby~you would be the happiest princess in the next January^_^~!

P.S. I feel extremely lucky my parents are always here for me~thanks, mom and dad~

我想大概是硬勉强自己写英语写得久了，又因为自己的英语实在是恶劣，仿佛很久很久都没有抒过情表过意了，只知道流水哗哗，这仿佛我远离国内超市太久，原本可以欣喜若狂，觉得任何价格的东西自己都可以承受，到如今，任何一样我都认为那些标价是美元，觉得奇贵无比，等放下了，出了店，意识到那些自己喜欢的小点心，也不过才两美元而已，换作以前，恨不得一次拿5个呢。所以说，人就是这么被动地变化的～所以，我很久没有写字了，写起来真是觉得生疏，好像昨天午后阳光暖暖，我和妈妈小走一圈，该是很感激这个十月，北京也有如此的和煦阳光。我却在敲了几个字以后，全部删除，又回到我那些需要无限精力的申请材料中。说是梦非遥远，也有几个月的光景，这种决定并且也不在自己，或者不全在自己，那么只好小心翼翼存着自己的梦，用尽力气去想去奔。。。由此，觉得和周围那些异梦的人在一起，无话可说，而且还有些折磨的味道。

这该是多少人向往的城，于我，不过是转站途中，一个旅人，无法安心，更无法安家，自然是不会有归属感，或者好感，只是每每说到它的巨大和无限蔓延，说到那么多的人在无论公交、地铁、商场以及餐厅的亲密接触，还有无数走路吸烟以及忽视公共卫生的恶习，我只是觉得想逃离，逃得越远越好。。。而这城里原先的朋友也在这种氛围中失去了与我的默契，让我觉得再无共同语言，有一些甚至是信誓旦旦要和我叙旧长聊，却因为一些特殊的原因给我伤害，一如既往地伤害我，让我有些瞬间的难过，但后来想想也真是不值得的。因为我的生活毕竟美好，有爱我的呵护我的那个人，有我爱的朋友们，还有永远在我身后给我力量的父母，因此也就没有必要去计较一些费神的小事，其实别人的生活又于我何干呢？生活永远都是要继续，人的成长也仿佛鹅卵石在水中被千万次打磨的过程，撞击越多，也许就越有光泽吧～所以所有成长中的挣扎与苦痛其实都是原应如此的。

说到地球那边那个爱我和我爱的人，相识的过程并非我期待中那么童话，可是相知的过程却是与我梦想的爱情有一些接近，这些岁月的痕迹大概可以记忆一生吧，也许会牵手越过所有的苦难，也许会携手走遍世界，无论如何，爱情并没有辜负我。于是，在申请材料写到一半有些分神的时候，我就会憧憬一下首都机场的重逢，不知道那一天自己是故作平静，还是会任泪留下来。But for sure there would be a sweet hug for both of us~

Every Monday morning I need to get myself back from the mental relaxation(even with the application stress haunting around) over the weekend and push myself forward to the real terrifying world, with tons of people jammed in the subway, on the streets, thinking differently from me, acting differently from me, chasing dreams differently from me...it’s been always uncomfortable and awkward to rush on the way with them, but as said, the fact has set in, I don’t have any choice to be dragged out, although I know I’m doing my best to make it, and I should be able to make it in the near future...

The whole weekend I was in an anxiety of asking friends to help pass my recommendation forms to the professors, handling Daniel’s visa application, which made me kinda exhausted, but well, not physically, but mentally...finally I’m kinda relieved...

Meanwhile, I got to see more Jin’s pictures having fun with her JP in 2007, and that inspired me so much, or made me decide to keep fighting for the desirable life...you can always find out the reason to be happy and stay positive, life is actually beautiful, always~nobody can stand at the highest point all along, and at some points we may be down, but holding dreams and pushing us forward could always help and bring us to the highest point someday...that’s enough already...

It’s very weird that when I enjoyed my tranquil life in Pittsburgh, I was having so much to blog everyday, about life, people, everything, but here life is too choatic, and I’m supposed to see a lot, sense a lot to blog, but almost I’m having nothing to say...is that because the content of life is not an actual parameter or just because I’m blocking my eyes from the messy world to keep them clean...

My boy said, well dear, you are being naive, and I’m sorry to say...I guess I made a stupid mistake bringing some gifts for someone that I don’t care at all but I thought I did...and I made another mistake to tell everything to my boy, and then I deserved the "being naive" comment from him...it’s quite normal that he’s upset about me being related to another guy, and it took me efforts to clarify to him that I’m not related to this guy anymore...that is so true. not related anymore...

About this guy, it was a long story, and he helped me a lot over my first application period, which I couldn’t deny...but over time, everyone is relocating as I said, and he probably is getting old and chasing money for a better life, our story was just so over, therefore I was naive to think that we were still friends...no, we are not gonna be friends anymore, not forever...we are chasing our dreams in totally different ways, and there’s no even common topic to talk about...so we are done, we are over, forever~that is supposed to be life, you would meet a lot of people in your whole life, some to be with you for just one sight, some to be with you for a couple of days, months, or years, and some really important ones would company you lifelong~~~friends till the end, love till the end~

This morning I was lucky enough to share Jin’s road trip to South Dakota, which was AWESOME~and that gave me a good mood to forget about last night and reply to my boy normally~I was actually touched by Jin’s attitude to life...she’s always happy, optimistic, loving, caring, considerate...I’ve seen so many good things happening to her because of her terrific personalities, and I was thinking why I should keep down...the world is huge and super beautiful, and I’ve already had one chance to explore, now I’m having one being with me, and we are going to explore more together, and that would be pushing our life to a new level, bringing us breathtaking views...I felt extremely excited thinking about that and we should cherish the opportunity of being with each other, sharing, loving, trusting, supporting...because the world has been there, and it’s up to our attitude to feel it in the right way~

This morning when I was on my way to work, I was desperately sad...well, I started feeling sad actually since I got up and checked that there’s no reply in my inbox. I wrote to some schools several weeks ago, and I wrote to my friend two weeks ago...the reply was no replies...things are not going well like two years ago that I could immediately get the replies, which made me excited and feel secure. It’s right the time to send my RL out and I do need help, turned out nobody could help me...so I was really really disappointed, but I need to cheer myself up~and I told myself that I would never fall down~~~the boy that I deeply love could always touch me even by an instant thought about him, in the subway, on the cab, everywhere, and I guess I finally found someone I desired and he deserves all my efforts~so I started appreciating life again~

I guess if nobody could help me, then I need to help myself~and I’m actually the only reliable person that I could and should reply on~I also believe that after all the hard time, I could walk around my dream city’s downtown with my love~for the sake of that moment’s coming, I’m trying my best and would never lose heart~keep the momentum!!!

Well, it’s an old topic for me because I’ve relocated almost for two months, but still I’d like to talk about it.

I visited my previous roommate in Beijing last weekend, and spent the whole afternoon in her new apartment. I got to admit it’s very clean and sweet with a lot of piggies, Mickeys, bears...she’s still the girl that I’ve been knowing. We had a simple but nice lunch at home, she made some really tasty soup, which I enjoyed a lot. And then she showed me some pictures of her wedding ceremony, and her recent trip to the Europe. We met her husband for dinner at night, and everything was nice, but I still sensed the differences as everyone has been relocated, no matter the real location or the life journey. As said, life is all about moving forward, and that is not only about the real life, and I guess the soul should also be included, for my thinking. The girl has married, which was a big step of her life, so she doesn’t have to commute in the crowded bus or subway anymore, and she doesn’t have to live in a small and inconvenient room anymore, she bought a new apartment, and a new car, and she got some money from her job and the stock market, so she could afford some luxury in the Europe, like Dior or LV, or whatever...when she was driving, she couldn’t help expressing that she’s having a different life from so many people, who are still taking the buses or subway, who are still keeping the low standard of living, and who are still in a tight budget and trying to save money...she must be satisfied with what she’s having now, which is surely a positive attitude, but I couldn’t help wondering again:what is life about?

I have to say I’m having a totally different life from hers, I’m poor in the huge city, no apartment, no car, or no money, bottom line, rushing on the streets and being jamed in the subway everyday, I hate this city, really , really...but the point is that I don’t care about those things...well, probably I should, but I just don’t. I’d rather care about relocation spiritually, and I always emphasize that the past two years are invaluable for my life...friends, love, great life experiences, everything that could make myself purely happy in heart...

Well, I’m just going to end this entry because it has already spent me two days...Last but not the least, the disgusting chief reimbursed a lot of money from the office named as "relocation", I guess his relocation is much more pathetic...

I’m kinda obsessed to Brothers and Sisters, which always brings me the family warm...so I kept transferring my favorite show from Desperate Housewives to Grey’s Anatomy, and then it’s Brothers and Sisters. I was quite touched by the supporting family, just like I love Daniel’s family. I wrote to his mom today saying that I was happy to know the great news about her, meanwhile Iwas thinking that Daniel was lucky enough to grow up in such a loving family...

Things are always overwhelming around me in this huge and messy city and could push me to write on and on and on, but I strongly feel that I’m getting old, who cannot stay up late anymore, who cannot walk too long anymore, who cannot be hurt by any emotional thing anymore...I’m just getting older and older. So when I thought that the boy is coming to visit me, conquering the long distance, I couldn’t help being touched again and again, when I couldn’t get his normal responses, I felt so disappointed, so disappointed...if I say that I used to be a brave woman for love, I’ve been hurt for so many times, and probably would not be so brave anymore. That could be another sign that I’m getting old and fragile...

Talking back to Brothers and Sisters, when Nora, Kitty and Kevin drove to San Diego to pick up Justin, that’s one of the most touching moments with the soft music on in the show. I’ve been always thinking that what matters for people, it’s not about the location, not about the house, the car, not about the money, well, part of...it’s mostly about people, who can always spiritually give us courage, power to fight with all the difficulties around. That’s why Daniel’s mom could overcome the painful treatment and make huge progress, and that’s why I could always make my dreams come true. I even think that I’m living for the spirit. Apparently now there’s no deposit in my bank account, but spiritually I think I’m rich enough. And it’s very painful to live in an incompatible city. I wish I can get out of here as soon as possible~

The next episode would talk about: when it all comes too much, the family is needed the most...so I would be touched again, and I would stay a fan as this fabulous show:)

Early this morning the train arrived in Beijing west railway station, there arrived me...the chilly and windy weather suddenly brought me back to the memories of two years ago, when I was working and applying in Beijing, today everything is repeating, working and applying, but I guess the essence finally changed...I’m having too much to tell how things have been changed over the past two years, but I do feel the time power and life’s moving on and on and on...I, again, appreciate what life has been giving me...parents, families, love, friendship, experiences...

Xx decided to permanently come back to China for work, and finally made her compromise for love. Well, not pretty much a compromise, but at least that’s one factor leading to the decision, "a quick decision" said by herself. People always hesitate about staying or coming back, and it’s been an issue without the best answer for really long time, or ever...it totally depends, the opportunity, the luck, the love,the family, the personality, every single one of the above could bring people to a different destination. But there’s one thing we are sure about, and that’s happiness.

Jia posted her wedding pictures, coincidently, there’s a great wedding on Today, and I was touched, dreaming that someday I could be a bride as well, what my wedding would be like, but first of all, I’m dreaming about a proposal...

I finally got myself out of the pre-period stress, but I got some depression immediately:

*Weather, weather is quite a thing for me...my mood could always go up and down just simply because of the weather. Here is still hot like summer, and I couldn’t concentrate at all...I was having some plans to finish my PS, or work out the recommendation letter forms for the professors, turned out I’m doing nothing...

*Noise...it hurts my ears everyday, and my head as well. I complained a lot about Beijing, but now I guess that city is much better than my hometown. I’m having a headache everyday...

*Period...I have to go out to visit my grandma’s tomb, but my period finally came and made me so uncomfortable. This afternoon must be very tough for me.

*Mosquito...I got a lot of bites last night, the damn mosquito~why do they keep biting me~~~

*Lovesick...so I didn’t really mention on my blog yesterday that I miss my boy desperately...I really don’t know how I can live without him for the following 8 months, it seems too long , too long for me now~

All in all, depression...

This National Day holidays I’m lucky enough to spend time with my family in my hometown. Although I was complaining it’s too crowded, dirty and noisy...it’s my hometown, where went my childhood,12-year schooling, with the whole family, with a lot of tears and joy...I may never forget those moments and people, the streets and the atmosphere...

Day 1:
I got off the train and then had a quick breakfast and shower at home, then mom and I headed to visit my grandma’s tomb. She’d been taking care of me for 12 years since I was born, I would say the relationship of us was very special. Somehow the day I said goodbye to her when I was going to the US in 2005 was actually the last day I saw her alive, I had a thought flipping over my mind, but I didn’t want to believe myself. My mom cried there, which also made me kinda emotional. We later made some wishes there and hope grandma could bless us...leaving the tomb, I had my hair cut, and then I spent long time searching for Jia’s wedding gift, finally mom and I chose a nice silk pajama...then the long day was going to be end...

Day 2:
It’s supposed to be a family gathering day...in the morning I visited my grandma’s brother’s home, and then I met my mom’s family, and then dad’s family in the afternoon...it’s great to see everyone happy and healthy, living great lives, recalling the old days...also it made me exhausted again by running the whole day...

Day 3:
Jia’s wedding ceremony, I had a lot of thoughts about marriage, pregnancy...the things that people in my age should do...life procedure...

Day4:
Bad talk with my boy, and shopping...I’m tired again, and the pre-period stress is getting worse and makes me lose interest for everything~the only good thing is that I watched Grey’s again~~~possibly I would go back to my normal life soon~

英文title，我却决定写一篇中文。

十月，家乡，炎热依旧。我其实不曾想过，这个国庆假期，是这样的方式，这样的心情，在家乡，度过。从火车到达的那天，就没有一刻闲下。混浊的空气，涌动的人潮，还有闷热的天气，都让我呼吸困难。可是在这里，我找到逝去亲人的影子，找到远离的童年，还有曾经年轻的面孔。每一日，都有那么一些时刻，我的心软到酸到眼泪滴答。其实我不太知道，下一个和家人在一起度过的国庆会是什么时候。家庭的聚会再也不能象以前那样把我填得满满的，快快乐乐的。每个人都是匆匆来去，让我觉得恍惚，觉得空空。父母还有长辈们日渐老去，想到某一天的失去他们，我有些惶恐。爷爷抓着手让我30岁前一定要嫁出去的那天，我看着那张熟悉又陌生的面孔，脑子里全是20年前的他，那个每天精神快乐，生活规律的慈祥老人，每天伏案认真修改地方志的工作者。一口气读完了他的“我的一生”，那些坎坷对我而言都是听到的故事，从不曾想过那就是自己亲人所经历的一切。生活于我，有些真实，又有些戏剧。

胡佳的婚礼我梦想了很久要去参加，那场面终于真实在我面前。满目都是幸福的笑脸，浪漫温馨的粉色。见到高中同学老师，想起的都是十年前的旧时光。这一日又听说了anna怀孕的消息。这些事实冲击我大脑的时候，我只觉得人生太快。晚上见到好些年未见的昔日好友，谈话再也不是叽叽喳喳，变得有一句没一句。我不知道，到底是和谁，应该和谁，可以永远熟稔，永远亲密。时间，把我们推向一个又一个高度，却从不让我们停留、回味，这个时候简直觉得生活有些残酷。

地球另一端的那个人，是我每天要用24小时思念的人，也许我从未想过long distance是这么痛苦吧。我只是期待经过这一场残酷的恋爱，我们在exchange love vows的时候可以坚定，将来也可以更勇敢。我宁愿相信这是每一对深爱的恋人必须经历的，那么我们的幸福未来也是可以预见的吧。

日子还要一日一日飞逝，我时而回顾，时而展望，犹豫，坚定，再犹豫，再坚定，我想这大概是我感受人生最强烈的时候吧。My being lovesick goes to everyone I deeply love...