格桑花

Long distance sucks~I spent the whole morning comforting my boy, and he was still depressed~

But hey, I am depressed too, who’s gonna comfort me???[face18][face18][face18]

After a chilly Saturday at home, I decided to walk out of the apartment today. Turned out I made a right decision. The weather is really nice with glamorous sunshine, which normally can cheer people up. I picked up my lunch box in a Japanese fast food restaurant and took the subway. Apparently if everyday the subway can be less crowded like today, I would stop complaining. But I believe it would barely happen.

I called my boy and had a nice chat with him, although I cried on the phone. Talking about my future or our future is like pushing my cry button. I feel depressed and anxious everyday without any clue of the future. Too many uncertainties stressed me out. The phone call lasted an hour, which was quite an accomplishment for us, ending up saying "I love you", and " I love you too". We both believe we will be with each other, but now we are stuck. Alright, I should stop thinking~not cry any longer~

Calling my boy and escaping from the cold apartment were on my plan for the day, and I am glad that I made both. I also have some plans on my to-do list based on my dream coming true, so I am looking forward to the days that I can actually start working on the plans~good luck! Cannot wait!!!

Winter came back, and I just hit the truth a few days ago when I was saying it’s long, stable....I hate it, and I hate it...ok, maybe I don’t hate winter, and what I hate is the government’s stupid decision of turning off the heat every March 15th, which is such an unreasonable and inappropriate one...the temperature is above zero, just above zero at night, and I have no idea how long I will have to bear~so, here are my suffering list, which can drive me crazy, complain, yell, scream every single second!!! My life is like an endless torture although I believe it will end soon...

1. The extremely crowded subway: from Monday to Friday, twice per day. I am pushed by people, trampled by people, without hearing any "sorry". I have to try hard to get the room to stand comfortably, which I failed for a lot of times. Last night in the subway, a stupid guy was reading his newspaper on my head, what the hell! The awkward situation is that I have to face a strange guy in 10cm, and possibly kiss him if the subway shakes...

2. The disgusting road from the subway to my office: CBD sucks! The polluted air, rude people, impolite cabs are everywhere on the way. Sometimes I am intimidated by a rushing cab, which will never slow down before the pedestrians. Sometimes I am pushed by people from nowhere. Sometimes the smoking guys pass me and make me sick.

3. The quiet office and the insane chief: my current job is not the one I like, but it can give me some money, so I take it. Somehow I feel that how I can waste my life like this, am I crazy? I have to make coffee for the chief everyday, take care of his lunch sometimes, why should I do this, I am not his nanny, ok? Also I have to push around for some deadlines, and I feel too tired. Ok, I got to admit this suffering is minor, but I can be really mad at people at work.

4. The uncomfortable living situation: Fine, no free lunch! So not having to pay for my rent means that I have to be a housekeeper,? I have to throw away the garbage everyday, collecting first from the bathroom and the kitchen, most of which was not made by me. I have to clean the kitchen sometimes. I even cannot get up at the time whenever I want every morning, jammed between the couple. And also I don’t have the freedom to clean my house, wash my clothes, take the shower, all depend on the couple’s schedule as I don’t want to let them wait or interrupt them. I have got used, but their parents are coming, and I have no idea how I should adjust my schedule then.

5. The terrible weather and the ridiculous heat system: First appeared in this entry, the cold weather has been complained by me. It’s April, it’s the springtime, why is it still so cold~ok, being cold is fine, but why isn’t there the heat~I feel I am cold to death~seriously~I haven’t given any comment to the professor’s paper, because it’s simply too cold to think and then type~forgive me, dear professor~

The end~Mom said no matter what, I have to be patient, the best is yet to come (quote from Dan’s mom)...

Jiangzi disappeared from her blog for a couple of days, and all of us are pretty sure Mogu has been presented in the world~which is so delightful~

This morning, Dan forwarded Ben’s "Meet Tobia" to me. Frankly speaking, I read more than three times to fully get it. Dan said it’s well composed and worded, which is quite true...he then wrote a long email "visit to the doctor" to me with some complicated chemical terms (for my thinking, of course~) Languages can be so fun, but I never seriously considered about this...I made a quick decision that I will have to read some books, at least some descriptive webpages to amplify my vocabulary. If I declared yesterday that my days have been tedious recently, I guess I have already found myself something to do~First of all, if I am really living in the US for the rest of my life, English would be my major language, and I cannot bear that I make people think my English level is lower than kids’. Second, I want to be a match for Dan, who is a native speaker. I guess it would be frustrating if I cannot well understand him, although I believe he always tries to make himself understood (by me). Third, what about the kids if they think they cannot communicate well with their mom, and they could barely learn elegant words from their mom, that’s embarrassing...I don’t want this to happen to me! So I should work hard, definitely!NOW!

Going back to the baby season, this spring seems a lovely baby season. Tobia is quite cute (quote from his dad "quite a handsome devil"). Mogu is absolutely cute as well (whom I am looking forward to seeing soon when Jiangzi resumes her energy and can post some photos online...) It feels refreshing to see new lives, bringing people something totally "new", letting people think about the meaning of life again from the very beginning. Quote again from Tobia’s dad, it’s "some miracle of providence"...I shouldn’t give it a miss, I guess...but when, I don’t know...

The first hour of my day was kinda hectic, I was woken up by the chief’s text message at 6:01am. He asked me to try to reach his assistant as the conference meeting at 7am was cancelled. First I was really frustrated because I was too lazy to save Shan’s cell number, so I was thinking hard how I can find online~bingo, an old email to cinda including her letter of employment intent...yay...so I turned on my laptop, digged out the email, and sent the message...done~that’s my early morning, and I was kinda happy to help out~Shan was grateful as well that she slept two more hours after getting my message...

Beijing is getting cold without the heat, and I started complaining...the government only made the decision for the sake of their management convenience, is that ridiculous? Words failed me...definitely~I guess I don’t care about the political manipulation, but I care about my life...

Last night, I called my college roommate to catch up, she never changed a bit, I mean she’s still holding her own world, which is quite good and rare in nowaday world. I am struggling to hold mine too, at the time I realized that a lot of people actually have lost their world, that’s too pathetic...

The communication between my boy and me doesn’t go well these two days, maybe he’s too busy and focuses too much on his job, I can understand that, May is coming really soon~and I guess he hasn’t started his thesis yet, I wish him good luck~of course, I wish myself good luck as well, like one morning very soon, a happy morning same as today’s, when I open my gmail, I get the desirable email...I mean it...[face42]

First of all, I would like to say, my English is getting worse without the language environment, so sad~~~

I looked at the calendar again and again, ok, 10 more weeks to go, I am leaving the office...that’s exciting~

Today I read one of my old blogs back to last March 26, at that time I was hesitant to start the relationship with my boy, but one year later, we have gone so far along the way, both making efforts and sacrifices~he even said that his 5 years’ plan (about the marriage age) was altered~I am truly happy to know about this.

BTW, I could write a really long entry one year ago, but now I guess my life is too boring to blog~sad again...

D told me some hilarious stories about his grandparents, I so want to hug the family...he also mentioned that he wished I could be at the next family gathering in person, which happened to be my new year’s resolution, ok, I will try to make it!!!

Too cold to keep writing~bye~
***************************
I don’t know why, but Spring is kinda precious, meaning it’s short, always on and off over again and again, it’s late in some areas...all those facts make us dislike winter a lot, which is long, stable, sometimes comes early than usual...

So, Beijing is windy and cold recently, it’s almost April, and Summer should be around pretty soon, sign...how hard it is to experience a pleasant Spring, a full season...but, the harder, the more we cherish it...I am waiting for the news, and I hope it will finally come...the good news is like a splendid Spring, always worth the wait~bless~

这篇本来想写parenting，窗口从早上一直开到现在，终于是过了激情和灵感。下午看了Juno，感触还没上来，我理解电视永远比理解电影来的快。注定地生性懒散而不擅思考，很好奇自己怎么跌跌撞撞搭边边地上了一路重点，认识了无数优秀的她他她他，而最重要的是，我认识了他，于是世界这扇门也许还会继续打开。被问说，what’s the feeling of dating a foreigner，我说，没特别。其实我知道，特别的地方很多，在看到听到感觉到新东西的时候，总是兴奋不已，不过是有些东西并不知道以什么方式去分享。

每天都要写英文的邮件数封，做了一年多的事情，突然就有些疲劳了，不想再写了，表现为腻了汇报生活琐事，又倦于再隔着大洋去谈人生，只盼着心中盼的快些到来。D说，I want you to be with me in B this summer...we will find a way to make this happen...我感觉那是很坚定的，心中又生了小小感动。这或许就是我没有早一刻也没有晚一刻遇上的那个人吧～。

税表翻来覆去地读呀看呀，终于是倒腾明白了，其实简单得不能再简单，四张小纸，却压在我心头好长时间，终于是可以寄出去了。可是老师的文章我依旧没有comment, that idea has been in my mind for two weeks, but I never typed it out...明天吧，明天一定～

生活这条长河，感觉我的小舟很快就要摆脱搁浅的困境了，加油加油！

白天在办公室，又生了一场莫名的气，因为首代的唧唧歪歪，于是六点我就头也没回地出了办公室，买了好吃的蛋挞两粒来安抚自己。现在想想也可能是自己对人的成见太深，其实工作认真本没有错的。

周一到周五，感觉越来越快，我仍旧在回味周一成功的旷工，周末就来了，春分过去了，又下了一场春雨，真的要“千树万树梨花开”了吧，感觉岁月真的仿佛解冻的河水一般涔涔流淌。走在涌向地铁的人潮中，我回想自己仿佛从来也没有真正讨厌过谁，怎么突然就可以对一个人有如此的恶意，难道我也正在被迫改变，这太叫人恐惧了，我越发地想逃离这里，因为我是真的想做一个善良的人，做一个永远善良的人，不希望心灵有任何的污渍。我宁愿被人认为傻认为呆，也不想强迫自己去改变。

下了地铁，天色早已暗了下去，我走在那条走了无数次的小路上，有那么一瞬间就意识到，天哪，我竟然不知道和D下一次见面的时间，我们是couple啊，多么无奈，多么可悲，多么恐惧这一切～为什么，为什么我们要这么辛苦～

好在周末来了，拖了很久的事情打算认真完成，家里整理干净，如Ying所说，我会等到我期待的好消息。

P.S.今天算了算，如果一切顺利，我再去那个办公室50多天就可以解放了，hooray!!![face17]

This morning, I was writing two emails at the same time, one was to my boss and one was to my boy~finally I got confused about which tone I should use for which email...so I got to think about my attitude to the chief recently...maybe I was not fair to him, and I probably brought too much my personal life to work~I mean I worried about my application thing almost all the time, and then turned out I was impatient for everything~I should be clear that job is job, and my life is my life, which cannot be mixed~so I promise I will be patient at work and be fair to the chief. I mean maybe he is insane, but sometimes he’s normal, and that’s the time I should be a little bit nice to him.

Talking about being patient, I am completely patient with my application now...all I wish is that I could get the offer I want, get the visa I want, and leave my current job as soon as possible...I am pretty sure I will love the study environment at BC, somehow I do believe so~

On my way back home from the grocery store, I couldn’t help thinking about working moms...they have to work, they have to take care of babies/famlies, what would happen if they cannot differentiate work and life~that must be too bad for both~I got to be clear, as we are growing up, life is getting harder and harder because we have to handle more and more~to differentiate is absolutely necessary as we don’t want to screw up our life...I said my job is a crap, but it made me realize this, so I will give it one more point~

I don’t know why, but today I am down again...maybe it’s because of the nasty weather, or maybe it’s because I am working with the insane chief...or maybe it’s because of both...

I miss my dear friends/my love far away in the US, I miss my parents far away in my hometown...why am I alone here? And I have to face the insane people everyday, more than 8 hours per day...that’s way too terrible!!!

I am kinda mad now because basically he just changed every piece of my email...in the way of his thinking...that sounds ridiculous....why should I think in his way of thinking? If I am doing that, I might be insane too...but I am not, sorry, I am a normal person~

If my job in COSCO was kinda tedious finally, my current job is a crap...anyhow I learned something from COSCO and the colleagues treated me well, but what am I getting now, nothing, or crap? I don’t regret, because I can get some money from this job, but that’s the only meaningful part of this job.

I met with Chang for dinner again last night, we both were eager to escape from here, as soon as possible~keep space from all the crappy persons...

The professor at BC replied to me nicely, I hope that’s a good sign on my way to Boston~I really really want to go back to school again, especially I believe the program would be quite a good and fit one~I really really want to be with my boy (although I so disagree that we are just living together...which is another story) Bless~Really, really~

Early in the morning, I turned on my laptop to see if my boy had arrived at home safely...so when I opened my mail box, his name appeared first to my eyes, and I read through his email...I thought the other three were junk mails...but, wait...the first one was the long-awaited one from the chair, from BC...of course it’s some news, if not good news~I had been put on the waitlist, a (very short) waitlist...I later told gals, I didn’t feel bad, and I didn’t feel good either...waitlist, ok, that means hope~

So I will keep waiting, and keep hoping for a few more weeks...the professor said "It is our hope that we will be able to contact you in the coming weeks to inform you that the status of your application has changed and that we are able to formally invite you to join us."

Chang is also on another waitlist, we two are both crossing our fingers~bless us!!![face42]

I was really happy to get Ying’s reply last night, she encouraged me like Tiao Tiao Dao Lu Tong ROME, which surprisingly relieved me so much...no matter how time flies, she’s always the sweet girl who’s smart, optimistic, helpful~I cannot believe we haven’t seen each other for almost a year~

The subway is crowded as usual, no matter whether the big conference has adjourned or not~I was so composed this morning when I was jammed in the crowds, having no complaints in my heart...time flies to cool me down, and I guess I have got used to my life in the city~

Mogu is coming in a few days, it’s getting harder and harder for Jiangzi to move around~but with a rookie mom’s mood, she is doing her best to spend the final hard days~time flies to free her up soon~

Paper review and tax filing are still on my to-do list~I keep them in mind all the time, but never got to really work on them~that sucks, I mean I suck~time flies that I definitely don’t want to miss the deadline(s)...hurry up and get them done ASAP!!!

Time flies, I got an email from BC one month ago, ok, now more than one month ago, so it’s gonna be two months ago soon, I actively sent emails, but no reply, still no reply...should I be patiently waiting, or should I give up in my heart and make some new plans...I don’t know, but if I am allowed to follow my heart, I would keep waiting, because I believe what Qiuhan said about "we are getting rewarded for what we gave up or let go..." So this is something that I would like to hold on tightly, which I am willing to get by trading with whatever else that I could or should give up (love excluded)~

Time flies, and good news will come, that’s what Ying said and what I would believe~~~

This morning, I got up early to check emails, wishing at least I could get a reply if not the email related to the admission decision...as usual..nothing, nothing I had expected was out there~Instead, I got an email from my boy...he said he "was seriously touched" by my phone call yesterday~I was happy to share the feeling with him~

The day at work was boring, I was able to finish some translation for the annual audit...but I am still waiting for a lot of information, which is really depressing~I have to always push and push...why?

Tonight I met with Chang and had a nice chat with her...I really wish both of us could make our dreams come true...God bless!!!

I hate Beijing, I hate the insane people, but Spring is coming around, why not cheer myself up, why not~~~

So today when I was waiting for the damn subway, pushed by people over again and again, I was thinking about my Spring-Summer shopping list, which helped me ingore the upset things a lot~

So here they are:

Shoes: Flats-white, flowers, silver, navy
Sneakers-one pair, white base
Running shoes-one pair, grey base

T-shirt: Long sleeves-navy, light blue, pink, yellow, white (aim two)
Short sleeves-pink, light yellow, grey, light blue, peachblow, stripe (aim five)

Necklace: One or two

Barrette: Two or three

I wish I could get them all over weekends, not because the prices here are lower than in the US (I am sure), it’s just because I might get some favorite Asian styles.

Cheers![face38]

****
My morning went well, I got the best timing to call D and heard his voice, I still feel excited now~I miss him, a lot...I am asking again, can we be with each other, please~

Ying went back from her Florida trip, I was surprised to see it’s just a couple’s trip, which I previously thought should be a group trip~anyway it’s very nice to see them couple again(Ying’s beautiful dress, shoes, nice dressing style...)... also fabulous to see the southernmost sunshine, key west, miami....those memories just flooded back, since last night~cannot help~

Got the birthday card from Ying and Weili when I escaped from work...very heartwarming...I would not sell it even one day Ying becomes a famous artist[face02]

本科的时候并没有享受一场大学校园的浪漫恋爱，大概和校园并不浪漫有关吧。。。于是进入职场的时候傻傻纯纯的，对任何的关心都无法抵挡，甚至就要浑浑噩噩卷入一场漩涡，还好心中早有离开的愿望，于是我离开了，那场漩涡也就远离了我的世界，如今再回首，只觉得当时的经历大概是命里注定，那就是人生的一劫，却不至于致我于死地。之后的小小波折以后，我找到自己喜欢的那个傻傻纯纯呆呆爱我的男生，而且圆了我的校园恋爱梦，我觉得自己还是幸运的，如果得来这份幸运，要经受更多的磨难和坎坷，我大概也是愿意的。总听人说，见到这个人就觉得我们这辈子要在一起了。我觉得我大概是没有的，但是岁月一天天拉长，这种感觉也就越来越强烈～我们会在一起，我们会幸福～

妹妹的到来终于使我没了安宁的周末。。。并不认同她的做法，但是女人为爱都可以疯狂得忘我，她也是可怜的。我只能说，放弃那个男人吧，他真的不值得。我也希望她可以象我一样，离开那个漩涡，希望那也只是她漫漫成长路上的一劫。

成长太漫长，俺娘说她活到60岁有些道理终于才明白，余生只能和俺爹好好过了。我觉得自己比她幸福一些，至少现在的那个人也可以疼我爱我大半辈子，多过爹娘的十几年。不过，我真心希望爸妈接下来的日子可以享受些许人生，他们出生的年代实在给予了他们太多的苦难。

报纸上写80后妈妈，我才意识到自己真的老了，我的幸福仍旧将见而未见，不知道等待还有多长，路还要走多久，也许不经意的哪一天，我已越过了那根标杆。。。

I don’t want to be judgmental, but it’s kinda hard when I heard the stories of my cousin’s.

First of all, I cannot accept that she’s been a mistress for three years, and the guy is finally getting divorced. She successfully ruined a family, including an innocent kid. Is she happy now, I bet not.

Second of all, I cannot accept that she’s still in a complicated relationship with the guy, meanwhile she slept with another guy and requested the guy to buy a ring for her. Am I too old to understand what she is doing now?

If she’s following her heart to pursue her happiness, sorry, I may suggest that she’s on the wrong way. And her heart may confuse her now and she would never reach the point of being happy~

I cannot say that I am always right, and my opinions can be the scale. But if it’s her choice, then I would not support her, based on my scale of being right or wrong~it’s just like, you can judge my tastes of earrings, clothes, hairstyle if you insist your scale of being right or wrong...pretty fair~

*****
My weekend was kinda wasted because of her coming~I plan to wash EVERYTHING after she leaves~my mom agreed with me~she made a scary comment like "how can you bear sharing the bed with her...", then I just realized that "Yeah, cannot believe I did". So I will have to get everything completely clean tonight!

I haven’t finished reading the paper yet, shame on myself~must get it done tonight as well!!!

My boy is having a nice weekend in Arizona, attending his friends’ wedding ceremony~he didn’t take his computer, so we are having an email break now~hope he’s all right~

Jiangzi left a comment saying that the hard time can make us stronger...she’s very right...so I tried my best to calm down. She is an amazing girl, ok, thousands of words to tell her stories, so I stop here, lol...

On my way to work, I couldn’t help thinking, Dan, can we promise ourselves a future, can we, can we??? I had a feeling that his lunch with his dad would be a "serious" "positive and fruitful" one, and also I don’t think he should share everything with me (which he asked me), because I still want some surprises, some touching moments, I don’t want to know everything NOW...but this confirmed that I’m intuitive...somehow I don’t have any connection with my application thing, or vaguely, I feel I still can get it...because the torture is getting more and more intense.

I asked the insane chief, how’s the performance review for his assistant, FYI, I sent mine last Firday, and it has been a full week~what did he tell me? "I’m busy, you know, you can see", fine, I can see, and I know, but so what? It’s part of your job and responsibilities, you tell me you are busy, then what, so you can simply ignore my email, my efforts and do nothing? Is being busy a reason you can postpone it? The deadline has passed, for FOUR days...I am pretty sure if it’s related to his salary adjustment, he would do it one month before the deadline...it’s not simply about the deadline, the salary adjustment...it’s about a company’s trust, about how to secure the employees...he’s ruining everything, I guess...I really really dislike him~and would never show any sympathy to him whatever happens to him...he doesn’t deserve any!!! Pure complaint...sorry~

Back to myself, I really should not care what I am suffering now, because it would make me stronger(the normal building up process), that’s the only way I can relief myself and move on...things will work out...they will~

Today was quite normal, did some work in the office, met with Xin for a simple dinner, she wanted to wander in the mall, so we did a bit, but I was not interested in shopping at all...she may choose the wrong company, lol...

I tried sandwich and congee, plus a small piece of cheese cake for lunch today, which was really nice, and I may try more often later~

Hopelessly I sent another email to BC, and what should I expect? I don’t know~

Jia came back from her SH trip, with the same passion...how can she make it~~~she asked me to follow her, haha, ok, I will try to do it!

Mom sent me an email saying, don’t feel too sad...alright, I will try to do it as well~

I chatted with Amy last night, YC in the morning, and I had emails back and forth with QH, pretty good to catch up around with gals~they all encouraged me~I know what it means...I should appreciate life, always...

When you are waiting for no response, what’s the feeling like? I have millions of reasons to die, seriously~but I also have millions of reasons to stay~so which way to choose?

I am pushing everyone, why should I do this? Is it fair? Why, and why?

手边有老师发过来的80页的文章要读要comment，心中还有那个as long as a month的review去惦记，要给学校发信，可是我却花了大半个晚上去发信，不是给学校，去comment，不是给老师发的文章。Long distance究竟有多苦呢，对方起床你睡觉，对方睡觉你工作这样的黑白颠倒也就罢了，关键是你看不见摸不着，始终有种不踏实不安全。对方说话的语气全然不知极其容易误解，然后就会费上半天劲去解释，却越说越说不清楚，索性又是一个玩笑就过去，又碰巧都是完美主义者，总觉得这话怎么说了一半就没了呢，然后有可能再拿出来说再争辩，其实自己都不明白是为了什么，然后就会觉得累了。是不是很多long distance都是这么不欢而散的？

早间出门对着衣柜半天，不知道该继续套上毛衫还是衬衣就好，最后想起地铁的闷热，还是衬衫出门了，事实证明决策是英名的。却在换乘时一念之差被骗出了地面，长安街熙熙攘攘的人群，对面的东方新天地竟然让我看着看着就悔意全无。地铁是照旧拥挤不堪，我已习惯屏住呼吸闭上眼睛就当一切都不是正在经历一般。

办公室里又是效率低下的一天，只是因为自己不喜欢老板的小心眼。可是自己的工作还是要做好的。

奶茶的《一辈子的孤单》， 再听，竟然还是流了泪。。。

长长的等待，远远的距离。。。我知道无论我如何期盼，有些事情不到一定的点是不会有改变有突破的。请原谅我今天给自己晚上列了三件事情，却一件都没能完成，有纯粹的拖拉，也有再思量之后决定的改变。明天我一定努力完成一些。

We had long emails back and forth yesterday, of course his email was much much longer than mine...a simple sentence/general joke from me caused a serious discussion, again...when would it end? Luckily he loves me and I love him, we both agreed that the discussion hadn’t hurt the relationship...but apparently we suffered...as long as we are separated, this kind of conversation may happen over again and again...will I be heartbroken?

I am getting really nervous about the application thing when I suddenly realized that schools would only mail rejection letters instead of informing us via emails...is that the reason why I haven’t heard anything from the desirable school yet? I am so worried that I cannot concentrate on my job at all. The worst situation kept appearing on my mind~will I be heartbroken?

Anything to keep my faith? Yes, my roommate in Pitt told me that I got my 2006 social security and medicare tax refund yesterday~I got to admit that I have almost given up about getting it after waiting for almost a year...then it came, unexpectedly...to some extent it means I shouldn’t give up anything before I get the final word...be strong, be faithful...the best is yet to come~I wish![face38]

这一天，号称是女人节，报纸早就被商家铺天盖地的促销广告覆盖。

她很早就无意识地买了这天《红玫瑰与白玫瑰》的票子，突然有那么一刻就意识到了，这，也许是一种不赖的庆祝方式，女人节去看关于女人的戏～她还买了一本家政女王爱生活的书作为女人节礼物送出，也是无意识行为。

这一天的前一天，她独自逛街，一无所获，等这一天和女伴去逛街，买了好多好多好看的内衣，女人还是该爱自己，因为如果男人不爱我们了，至少我们不会觉得缺少爱～

这一天，她去超市拎了沉沉的食物回家，进了大门，看见自己的包裹，无奈手中已满，只得上楼再下楼，满头大汗时，看见卡片上温暖的爱，并没有觉得更热，只是觉得温暖。床头多了两张合影，两人都笑得很灿烂，对方还说，很快我们要再加相框，放上我们在第三座城的照片，我们的照片一年又一年还会有很多很多，于是她隐隐又嗅到了承诺的味道，心里有些淡淡的憧憬。只能是淡淡的，等的东西还没有到来，所以始终是放不开去畅想未来，但是，她希望自己是可以的，就在不久的未来～

她有时候怀疑自己是不是女孩子，为什么别的女孩子爱的包包衣服鞋子化妆品她一般根本不钟情，虽然她也喜欢自己的衣服五颜六色，自己的鞋子可以搭配，包包可以常换换，擦脸的瓶瓶罐罐也有高有矮，但是奢侈品对她而言根本没意义，不重要。。。房子车子好像也没意义，不重要。。。她看着照片里的两个人，心中默念，我只想我们两个在一起，我们会有我们该有的，我们的未来会很美好的～

在这个城市，她总是没有相融的感觉，总觉得和这些人想的不同，要的不同，她还是对两年里的朋友念念不忘，喜欢得要命，然而也不能断然否认之前在这座城市的些许友谊，只是如今已分道，扬镳，谁也并不能否认谁的追求，这世界，谁都是自由的，不是吗？

她觉得这些等待的日子虽然倍感煎熬，大概也有其美好之处，毕竟，心中满怀期待是不错的状态～只是需要更加耐心些，更加坚强些，这道理她其实是明白的，于是她继续期待，耐心地，坚强地～～～

My heart has been feeling anxious, tired and sad recently...way too many things going on~

Some people say no news is good news...should I believe so? I got an ad on Wednesday, but I haven’t heard anything from the school I long for...how patient should I be? Or have I already failed? I cannot think about it more~but I understand the process is always torturous, to mark, I had my grey hair pulled off yesterday, which surprised me, again~I am too anxious recently...that’s for sure~

My job gave me a hard time last week as well, and I guess that’s another reason for the grey hair. Sometimes I really wanted to scream, actually I did once in the elevator. Mom said I should know more about the society, what I am experiencing now is quite normal, and I should try to get used. I don’t know whether I should try to accept or escape, which way is right?

I feel extremely lonely in the city, last night after work, I had dinner by myself, I went to the shopping mall by myself, and I had an icecream by myself...all by myself~so when can this be changed?

Meanwhile, my heart has been tender, feeling touched, warm...that’s what I love about life~

I received a lot of birthday wishes and gifts, thank my parents and dear friends all over the world. I should feel happy that I was truly blessed by so many people...

Jin is delivering her mogu soon maybe two weeks later~JP and she did all they can do as to-be-parents...they are so ready to welcome mogu...I feel happy for them and I feel touched by them~I believe they had struggles in life, and I also believe they always tried to smooth them in a neat way~I fully respect their wisdom, passion, whatever positive attitudes~

Weiwei is another good example for me, actually not only she...

My parents are far away from me now, but they may think about me everyday~

Ok, so my heart should be a happy one, coz it is experiencing the complicated world in a comprehensive way~

Cheer up!!!

How to measure the world, I mean the real world and the world in your heart

TBC...

------

March 7th

The day before yesterday, I have no idea now what I had been seeing on that day:P Simply if you cannot catch the moment in the first second, it won’t come back again, for both the real world and in your mind...so, yes, I will have to start a new entry today!

I had a long lunch with my friend and her friends today...it’s supposed to be a good catching up time for old friends. Sure, for them, it was, but for me, it was more like a story time...mainly because that we are on different trails, of life~

Later at night, my friend called me to chat because we only listened to one guy talking over the lunch...the conversation was ok, but I couldn’t manage to fill out my tax forms by today~

I still can not let the bad conversation between my boy and me go...it hurt me although the hurt is fading away~

I am getting more nervous about the application thing...why is life so tough, again?

总以为自己不在乎工作，是那种完全以自我生活为重心的小女人，可曾想过也可以为了deadline着急上火，为工作中的一个小问题睡不好觉。为什么要有那么重的责任心？

3月，3月到底会以一种怎样的方式过去。。。会等到期待中的那封信吗，会准时漂亮完成工作中的材料吗？还有好多事情都可以顺利吧？我有太多问号，有太多不确定，让我太紧张！

回家路上，走在白领民工混杂的人群中，我总想对那些以体力为生的人表现出更多的宽容和善意，毕竟，他们的付出有目共睹，他们离家千里，并不是为自己，只是为了家中老小。谁有资格歧视他们呢？他们不过是无法选择自己的出生罢了。我甚至为他们的坚韧坚强而感动。很多时候都会瞬间就觉得自己的心软了下来。做人都不易，人人都不易。

这个时候也会想D，别扭不过是闹闹而已，从心里，我当然是喜欢这个小孩的。他也不容易，他也很善良，其实他也没说错话，我小姐脾气一来，就由着自己的性子，大概也不对吧。静静回家路上还会感慨，为什么生活是这么难，为什么我们要隔着这么远，又隔着这么久。冬去春来，竟然要改夏季时间了，那么时差12小时总好过13个吧，最难的时候是不是就要过去了。

3月该是明媚的好月份，绿绿的St. Patrick’s Day，五彩的Easter Day...难道它不好么？它一定是美极了的～我相信！

Maybe my period is right at the corner, I am feeling awfully bad, too bad...cannot stop tearing...the emails from D were either short or sleepy, and I cannot feel the connection between us. Or maybe I cut off the connection by myself...I cannot believe that only three days ago, he could send me the emotional email, now there’s NOTHING after the fight...

I was unhappy because his weekends are always crazy, drinking, dancing club, and he never cares what I would think. Maybe I am too sensitive, he tried to avoid talking about that too much, apparently he knows I would not be happy, but he still did...why shouldn’t I feel sad/mad about it anyway...

Besides the bad restaurant smell, which took me long time to wash away later and the cliche rejection letter from NW...I am still having some bad luck,a.k.a. the fax I sent two weeks ago wasn’t received so that I had to send again today, I kept the deadline in mind and got it done pretty early, turned out the truth is that I didn’t make it because of the fax thing...it’s not my fault, but I have to take whatever...the communication with Seattle is really not easy, I mean if I can get everything done by myself, I can make all the deadlines, however, I have to always ask and push to get the documents I need from them, which is so frustrating, really, really...

Ok, what’s coming next?

It’s March, it’s the long-awaited spring time, if I am allowed to say so...

I felt hot yesterday in the office, but has the weather been hot already? I am not sure, one thing that I am sure about is that the "fight" between my boy and me were kinda hot~although it may come from nowhere. I felt sad that he only realized what he did for me, visiting China, of course, was brought up again. Then what did I do for him? I understand as a typical American, especially as a 5th-year Phd student whose major is related to calculation, it’s easy to think in a science way. But I don’t think love can be valued in a science way, and I think I am right...I never stated what I did for him, and I wish he could realize by himself. Maybe he understands, but individualism rules~he said "ask your friends about their boyfriends""if you dated more guys, then you would know how good I am to you"...that was really irritating, what’s his point, and so what? There’s no standard to scale how good a boy/girlfriend should be to his/her significant other...as a result, I ended the conversation. I am still feeling sad anyway, and it may be because of my coming period as well.

I spent some time checking my application result(s) and status this afternoon, and as I thought from the very beginning, I got rejected by Northwestern. They just made the decision on Feb 28th. The rejection letter will be sent out as of today, March 1st, 2008. Two sides of the coin, [face39]upside (or where I did a good job)-I checked so in time and got the result that I knew in my heart, which can indicate that my intuition is correct and reliable, hope it can also be applicable to my other thoughts about the applications. I thought the program was not quite a fit for me anyway from both the description online and my recruiting experience. So the result is kinda acceptable for me.I was composed when I saw the letter online. [face40]Downside-a.k.a. the truth, I got rejected...although I worked hard on it.

Like I said yesterday, March is on and I am marching on...accept whatever I have got and look forward to whatever that I can possibly achieve...no matter how negative the fight and the rejection can be, they can also turn to be good experiences in my life, like the communication was going on frankly, my thought got confirmed...well, I still have thousands of reasons to believe, life is beautiful as long as you are optimistic to march on~so, let me do it!