格桑花

This is a piece on my MSN spaces, after the entry "New Life, Maybe?" Although I thought I was prepared, I still feel it’s too fast to be true. I would spend the rest of my life with my boy, finally...

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If I am that kind of person who loves to mark all the special days, like friends’ birthdays, friends’ anniversaries, even friends’ first days of going to work...of course I’d love to mark mine as well.

So today, I am going to mark a new one for myself,
Yes, I am engaged...today...on the phone...without a stone, without flowers, without champagne...without the talk in person, which he originally planned to hold till June when we can see each other again in China. I got to admit he was pushed to say the words one month earlier by my news, but I appreciate this reaction.

The poor boy cried on the phone while calling his mom (according to himself), and later went to his parents’ house for a talk. When he came back to his own apartment, he brought the words back as well. I can tell his voice was shaking, and the speech he had prepared turned to be incoherent, still I gave him the answer he wished after some Q&As, and I hope I didn’t make a mistake.

Well, I said "new life", but actually my life won’t have any difference at least in months, and the wait would still be ENDLESS...somehow, my feeling is different now, maybe because I have been put on a "Sold" tab...

After I was intimidated by the timetable of getting a K1 visa, I finally sent the professor an email, which turned to be my last try. So early this morning, I got the confirmation, which I would like to define as my fiasco (or not). I was sad, and in a panic, and almost fell down on my way to work. Of course I cried a lot, and just felt why and why? I kept trying, I worked hard, and then I got nothing.

So I talked to a lot of people, my love, my friends, my family, and I updated my blog to spread the words out so that I won’t have to tell people one by one to shame myself...of course I got support back from all of them, and I eased pretty quick.

It’s hard to tell if it’s a real fiasco, nobody knows. Weiwei said "D would say the words", ok, I never expected that the words would come in this way. But, everyone knows, God works in a mysterious way, so what do I expect?

Move on, to the next step! Be wise![face34]

Yesterday (US’s today) was Jiangzi’s birthday and Mogu’s one-month mark day! Weiwei sent some really thoughtful gifts, upon seeing them, I was reminded of how sweet and thoughtful the girl has been!!! Gosh, my life and my memories of those days are still fading away, and I am stuffing my mind with the crowds, the rude people, the "pathetic" situation of mine...so I am asking myself, why should I deserve the best, what did I do for approaching that stage? Nothing, the answer is nothing...if I am overloading my mind with all the complaints and whines, I don’t deserve the best for sure, coz I am not good enough. Yet of course, D is a gift for me from God! I know that!!! And I would always appreciate it!!!

My roommate’s parents have been here for two days, sharing the apartment with me...my feeling is, hmmm, so far so good. They are like all the other parents, kind, caring, and quiet, as a result, I wouldn’t say anything negative although there might be some inconvenience for me. I wish to be a nice and thoughtful person too. I was on the track when I was in the US and making big progress, affected by all the nice friends around, but going back to the big cold city quickly dragged me off the track, which was barely realized by myself. Now I should resume~~~it’s not for getting rewarded, it’s just for that we should have good personalities as human beings pursuing perfection, then someday we will naturally be paid back before we know it!

So I will be good--nice, helpful, strong, caring, optimistic, whatsoever...[face17]

春夏之交，我的大爱，终于不经意间降临。

连绵细雨，树叶滴翠，清清爽爽，我努力丰富自己的生活。昨天兴致一起，去了很久不去的麦当劳叔叔，那个铺子在繁华美食街，估计大家也不会想要去吃american junk food吧，于是我有了临窗的两人座，独自看窗外霓虹闪烁，车来车往，啃着汉堡，嚼着薯条，真是挺放松的。日子嘛，我越来越明白是自己过的，我就是我生活的主宰，购物还要继续哦～～～

早上和xuxu聊天，又被一番鼓励，我心暖暖。D说到什么生啊死啊的，我很任性地就说，you cannot die before I do...两个人正在融为一个人的过程是美好的，心里总感觉我们会爱很久很久，这份爱开始我有过不珍惜，可是如今我当它是我的宝。感觉这就是我幻想中的长长久久，所有的感觉都是对的， everything feels right...其实上天已经恩赐了这份福气给我，别的我还能怎么计较？

所以地铁再挤，居住环境再恶劣，我再孤独，需要忍耐和等待再久，我都不应该抱怨，因为the best is yet to come and always worth the wait!!!

想说的是，我不放弃，无论是通向幸福的路，还是幸福，我都不会放弃！！！[face38]

The raining season in China, the raining season in my heart as well.

BJ has been raining for almost two days, and as always the overcast sky made me down, not to mention no news has come from the school (no word at all!). I clearly remember that last year around this time, I teared a lot, and this year, it goes the same. I love this season, the beautiful and colorful springtime is supposed to cheer people up after a tedious and plain winter. Shouldn’t I fall on the track too? I guess sometimes I do, like last Sat., I had a really great shopping trip by myself and didn’t realize I spent 6 hours wandering in the mall. I enjoyed the snack, the cheerful crowds and the cute shops on the snack street...later I ordered a glass bottle of yogurt, which brought the memories of twenty years ago back to my mind, when I visited the city for the very first time. That was a wonderful day for me in the raining season.

Sadly, other than that day, I could easily tear all the time, when I chatted with my boy, with my mom, when I received emails from my boy, from my mom, when I thought about all the suffering I had been through (which is still on), I couldn’t help asking, why is that and when would that be over???

But, trying to be an optimist, I would rather believe that a more beautiful and rainless summer is out there, and waiting for people to reach, so is that kind of summer in my heart[face35] Keep faith!!!

1. Love the song Beijing Welcomes You!!! A LOT!!!Yanzi is the greatest for my thinking~

2. I went shopping this afternoon, "Uniqlo" was my target, but I got two T-shirts from other stores, all are very good anyway-Four T-shirts, two camis...blue, yellow, green, white, summer is supposed to be a colorful season! I will keep hunting~

3. I stopped by the snack street and tried some, I promised my boy that we would stop by together in June.

I am definitely exhausted now, since I am not a big shopping fan and cannot walk for too long time. But today I made at least 4 hours, so got to go to bed now~

The hottest topic recently...as a Chinese, I feel compelled to speak out this time, China, I love you~

The voice keeps haunting me when I saw people in SF waving our national flags, when I read the news that everyone showed their strong mind to protect the dignity of our motherland, when I watched the quite touching video of the torch relay...it’s definitely an unforgettable spring for all of us Chinese around the world~we are proud of you, China! Actually we were, are and will be, ever!!!

I just wish a peaceful and successful Olympic...bless...

Alright, I guess I am not good at shan1qing2 in English, so I am gonna stop here, but the voice is still in my heart~~~probably will get stronger~~~

Talking about my mood, after being a fen4qing1 for a couple of days, I feel totally high, lol...which matches the weather a lot. The temperature rose sharp, gals are wearing fancy clothes here and there, and I enjoy the view so much, although I myself will never make it (well, till my boy’s next visit, I promise, lol). I got to admit, I love summer, or I love the interim of spring and summer~the worries have been left behind, before I pick them up again, I wish I have already got the news that I long for...[face35]

***
Tonight, I met with Jia for dinner, she’s coming for business, so we didn’t talk much, but I felt great to see her smiles again~she’s always passionate, lovely, and beautiful, "my lady" forever~~~

Before meeting with her, I ran to the famous outlet and picked out a pair of low heels, from Fed International. I made the decision in one minute, and felt very satisfied with it. The shoes are very nice with good quality and cute style, I am happy that I won’t suffer from walking by wearing the old shoes anymore, yay...

周日的清晨，我土衣土鞋出门去办公室，却被晃眼的绿色逼得咧了嘴。这是多么明媚的春天。这确是值得爱和拥抱的春天。

只不过，这几次和D的电话到最后都忍不住泪流，生生隔着千山，隔着万水，要怎么办呢～希望，希望在哪里，我等了又等，等了又等，等了再等，然而什么都没有什么都没有，真的是nuts了～我拼命买东西吃东西吃东西买东西，根本没有用，麻醉过后，还是一样地心伤。。。

拼尽全力，不过是想要很多人已有的那种幸福，我要的多吗？真的不多，为什么于我而言是这么难得到呢？？？

碎碎念的那两年时光有些淡去的味道，我听到美国人说话觉得是这么陌生，而我自己开口也变得结结巴巴，我开始恐惧，这可怎么办，这可怎么办？太多的东西我无法去把握，尽管我想努力去把握。。。

心情瞬间就可以down，just too bad~~~

[face18]

Something to mark, to review one year later...

--The office passed the annual audit, my boy said my hard work made this happen...ok, I guess he’s right, also the special acknowledgement goes to Cinda, Jennifer, great teamwork! I said I had finished my most important job here, and I am ready to leave...

--The Department of Homeland Security released the Optional Practice Training Interim Final Rule on April 4th, the OPT has been extended from 12 months to 29 months. Ok, my first reaction was that I was so not lucky...otherwise I can stay in the city, I can be with my boy, and we don’t have to suffer the long distance...then soon, I tried to think positively, I enjoyed the family time, enjoyed the great food, enjoyed my salary a little bit, enjoy shopping around...so coming back is not that bad, my boy made his first trip to China, and he’s gonna make another one very soon. Our relationship developed a lot in a sepcial way, it’s just getting stronger and stronger. When I asked "will you still love me 10 years later", he said "let’s make it 100 years" :P I believe you!!!

--April 9th, red San Francisco!!!Zan~~~ ZD go the hell!!! I have been reading all the news and looking at all the "red" pictures and felt extremely excited and touched~just wish a peaceful Olympics, after all the government has been trying hard to make a successful one~bless~~~

--Keep blessing myself~~~

As expected, I got another piece of paper from UCB...alright, would that add one more point on my way to my dream stage? I guess so if I am correct!!!

To reply to Uconn that I may not go, I opened my yahoo email box for some old reply templates, therefore I randomly read some old emails around the time when I was about to go to the US for the first time. With the guy I once had feelings, he’s been supportive to me actually, but he doesn’t belong to me, I should always appreciate his company at that time, but I should never bother his life from now on, so I moved on, which I think is a good thing; with my dear parents, they always care about me the most;with YC, the nice first conversation foresaw our precious friendship...It’s nice to review my life, to inspire me, encourage me by my own past~come on, girl, you are gonna make it again~you were never alone~

[face35]

BTW, I ordered a cool digital photo frame for D’s upcoming graduation~yay, it’s a very cool gift, and I love it!!!

Last night I started watching this Korean show. I knew it long time ago and bumped into a few episodes, but never got the whole picture of the story. It’s a romantic and hilarious story which brought me a lot of laugh. My mind got a little bit relaxed by watching it. Somehow the worries never faded away~

The story also reminded me of a lot of sweet moments with my boy. He told me by email that he dreamt about me all night, gently rubbing my hand~yeah, that’s the part I love about him, he’s always kind to me, spoiling me like I am his princess. I feel that I am so lucky I have found my dream love~I almost gave up at some point, but deep in my heart I know I never did~[face38]

The dinner with my cousin last night turned to be nice, much better than what I had thought~I enjoyed the company and the chat with her and her boyfriend. So it’s worth to traverse the city, sitting on the dirty bus for almost two hours and letting the memories of my college time flood back~my cousin is really nice to bring me some delicious seasoned duck from our hometown, simply way too much actually~she’s getting the marriage license with her boyfriend pretty soon this July, I am so happy for them~how hard to reach the destination/another start of life, I believe every couple are unique, but for sure each will have to go through a lot of bumps~just like what D and I are going through now~

Jiangzi posted some new pictures and wrote down the story in the hospital, and I got quite touched by her courage, braveness, actually by all the moms in the world~I first had no idea how hard to bring a baby to the world, but now I got some sense, and then I thought about my mom, who delivered "me" by herself, how strong should she be to make this happen~my great mom!

I had a nice chat with YC last night and we finally got to catch up with each other. I felt depressed again that I am stuck here now and cannot move forward at all, with a lot of nice plans just in my mind, with my love, and my beloved friends~will I be paid off for what I am suffering now? Give me an answer?Yeah?

Also yesterday I got a piece of paper from UConn, a possible ad, which is equal to a rejection letter without any necessary financial support~I had known this like one month ago, so the piece of paper was just a piece of paper for me, except that I should send an email saying "sorry"...

I feel that I cannot waste my time even now I am waiting and seem to have nothing to do, I should always get myself prepared~no matter what~be strong, be patient~

Yesterday I went to the movie by myself. It is quite a touching one, although later I read some review saying it’s too plain...anyhow I couldn’t tell~it’s a story that I can easily understand, unlike the other complicated movies for me which I need to watch again and again to figure out what’s going on~back to 1937-1945, China, I can be always shocked by seeing the Japanese invasion...D said that’s 35 years before he’s born, so he couldn’t feel the connection, however...it doesn’t need any connection, I feel shocked just because the facts are too ferocious~the British reporter was like the sunshine for the poor orphans, softening their hurt hearts~he made it~kids are healthily growing up, still alive today~a simple story tells the great love without the boundary...

I was swamped in the story for a while, and was still thinking about it when I had dinner by myself in a new restaurant (Xiaochengzhiwei ,Hongkong style, very expensive)...milk tea and Fujian fried rice~and then happily went home~

That’s my day, the progress I made was that I finally clicked the "send" button for the reply to Prof. and Tara, no matter what they would think, I did it~and I took the burden off my shoulders, and I felt a little bit relieved.

My period came on time, so I am totally back to the normal stage now, somehow it’s still painful, normal or abnormal~no difference at all~

DH is coming back in a week, and BS two weeks, GA sort of three weeks, yay~~~

My boy is going to New Orleans to attend a conference although he’s having so much to do at school~I just wish he could handle everything well~

I am commuting a long way to meet with my cousin and her boyfriend tonight for dinner (at a not so decent restaurant according to the review, I guess, may bring back some bad restaurant smell again...) I don’t feel like going at all because the restaurant is way too far~and I don’t feel comfortale either due to the second-day period thing~but anyway, I am going~to just complete the task~

Tomorrow I may go to the office again, and do some grocery shopping later~then the long weekend wil be over~Would I move forward to the final stage of the torturous journey? I hope so, really do~~~

毫无愚人节的色彩，这一天，平平静静。。。只是思考，无法停止。。。思念蔓延，无可奈何也蔓延，要怎么前进？

清晨出门，细雨纷飞，却再也不象一年前那样让人觉得清爽，空气无时无刻都是混浊的，而街头也无时无刻不是嘈杂和危险的，车辆到处乱窜，我只能很早就驻足等候。

此刻窗外又是狂风，只盼着明天早晨歇歇才好。

现在躲在了有电热毯的床上，暖和竟然于我而言是这么有意义。

爹妈怕我得了忧郁症，晚上又是一番开导。我大呼小叫，为什么日子是这么地慢呢，对闺密说，对阿姨说，对我娘说～其实我当然明白时光飞逝，却是敌不过我想念的心想要飞翔的愿望～～～

回家的路上，我竟然惊觉自己几乎没有一天快乐，没有一次开怀的笑，竟然想起这样的生活就立马眼泪汪汪，这太要命了，不是吗？买了好多自己爱吃的，终归是没用，短暂的享受美味后，我还是一样郁闷，一样忧愁，今天还做了一个女人类型测试，我竟然是“苦”型，但也挺准的，内心的愁苦好像从来都是挥之不去，前年，去年，今年，一年又一年，到底我该是被岁月锻造得多么坚强才可以～忧郁症恐怕根本早就已得上了吧～～～

远方的那个人，你知道吗，你有多爱我，我就有多爱你，你有多么想念我，我就有多么想念你～只是隔着太平洋，看不见，摸不着，无法去丈量罢了。。。希望你好好保重，帮助我实现我的新年愿望～you are on my list, you know, I love you~

If I could ever stop the train of life moving forward, I would have stopped it in last August~if I could ever speed the train, I would have pushed it to this June~both would be for staying with Dan~~~I kept murmuring on the way to work this morning, with the shower wetting me..."No one wants to escape from his/her current life more than me"...I am waiting everyday, I am suffering everyday, but nothing ever changed~I am still waiting, and I am still suffering~Is there any hope that I can see?

Last night I saw a lot of pictures about weddings, rings~they were sweet and beautiful, but I cannot understand why so many girls care about those so much. Is the size of a ring really a scale of love? If a guy loves his wife and it’s totally affordable, I would be happy for them. My point is if it’s just for satisfying the girl’s peacockery or showing off, I despise it...really...I may be too mentally-focused, and shouldn’t be so judgmental~~~everyone has his/her own life~not my business at all~now I don’t care about the wedding ceremony, or the ring~I guess I only care about being with him first~this is just a minimum request, and why is it so hard to accomplish~we love each other, we have a lot in common, we have been working hard, and we have been wishing~so what else should I (we) do to reach the point? Please, please give me a hint~

Yesterday my colleague reminded me that going to the west is not quite safe now~so I made a new plan for the coming summer for us (I am always a quick decision-maker:P)~the most modern city in China, and some small but nice cities around should be our targets~YC encouraged me that we should start drawing our summer picture, so that’s what I am doing~

No matter how fragile I am now, I should persuade myself to be strong, maybe I am pretty much close to the point, how can I simply give up now???