格桑花

The long-awaited weekend is coming...strangely I feel nothing, not excited as I am supposed to be...probably it’s because I haven’t heard from my boy for more than 36 hours, which never happened before(or maybe happened once)...I had a bunch of questions in my mind, like: is he safe, is he alright, what is he doing now, is he hooking up with some girl? Can he really bear not writing to me, is he wondering if I am ok? Well, no matter what, I just want to make sure he’s safe, and that’s my wish for him as well...please be safe and see me in the airport next Tuesday, dear! Please!!![face34]

Thank God, he’s safe:)

记不清这已经是北京这个春夏第几个扬沙的日子了，只觉得昨夜风吹得门呼呼响，今天早上一起床，桌上地上厚厚一层土，ww关于大学的记忆flood back，而冲击我的则是几年以前住在同样一所公寓的日子，也是扬沙的天气，我努力保洁都没有用。那时我在大国企，却有些少年不识愁滋味，领导对我的培养，同事对我的照顾我统统认为理所当然，抱怨自己无聊乏味的工作，巴巴盼着可以早日脱离苦海。如今，我进了一个作坊工作，我仍旧是巴巴盼着可以早日脱离苦海，只不过我意识到以前拥有的一切其实是美好的，我年轻，我可塑，我也上进，我对未来有些迷惘，可是却有足够的勇气去面对一切，创造一切。那个时候我对这座城市没有感情，也没有多少抱怨。如今，我仍旧对这座城市没有感情，可是我想离开，每时每刻都想离开，特别是在地铁里和毫不认识的男人被迫亲密接触，呼吸着各种各样难闻肮脏的空气时，我真的想逃得越远越好。又或者我爱的人在远方拽着我的心，我受不了身心的分离，请让我走吧，让我的身去找我的心。。。

这是一座有着千万人口的大城市，文化底蕴深厚，政治氛围浓厚，人才、资源，应有尽有，很多人爱这里，很多人享受这里，可是我做不到，无论如何也做不到。深深觉得地球另一边那个熏陶了我两年的城市在记忆里模糊得快看不见影子，而我在那片土地上拥有的一颗柔软的心正在被眼下这个城市煅打得冰冷和坚硬。那么以后还要多久才可以再柔软。。。我能强烈感觉到自己的struggle，是心所渴望的宁静和外部的喧嚣之间的博弈，而我时而这边时而那边，分裂的痛苦难以言语。。。

我要怎么努力才可以速速解救自己？？？我又很担心，两个月后这里的天气能好成什么样子，以至于我们能给世界人民一场承诺的盛会？？？

还有让我心疼的四川，请你一定再坚强些！！！

Today we got a case number, seems things are going well...just cross my fingers that the whole process can be quick!

Ridiculously I had a big fight with someone on the phone, oh god, that’s the biggest fight I have ever had with people, and I yelled like 10 minutes for a tiny payment issue, where came my anger? Meanwhile some salesman called and was rude to say I didn’t show respect to him. Come on, what’s that? I just felt that I lost my patience and became too evil. And should I promise that this won’t happen again? I want to be a nice person. This city is ruining me, I so much want to get out of here, please, please!

That’s the way how my life is moving forward!!!

I still couldn’t get it out of my mind that I missed my boy’s commencement, especially after reading QH’s blog about it. What I missed is not just a ceremony, it’s a precious moment when I should share the joy with my beloved, and witness his success! So I missed it!!!! And I felt awful thinking about that!!! But what can I do???

I probably couldn’t get it out of my mind either that the quake is tremendously damaging, and the tragedy hasn’t even been over yet!!! Except for the donation, what else can I do? Yeah, I could be a volunteer, but somehow I stopped myself by ridiculously thinking about my family??? What else, what else can I do? Oh, I did make a white flower and put it in my room and I am going to buy subway as my lunch tomorrow to donate more, but what else?

I may have missed a lot of gatherings/sweet moments since I’m so far away from my friends in the US!!! I miss them so much, and I definitely miss the good old time a lot!!!Desperately!!!

Sadly, after chatting with my cousin and knowing some truth, I felt chilly and heartbroken...I may also have missed some family gatherings from my dad’s side, but come on, I never regretted, regret, or will regret!!!

Finally I would say, I miss my boy a lot, and I love my parents, and I love my dear friends, they are my world after all! What else should I care!!!

整整一周过去了，心情始终阴霾和温暖交织，难过，感动，感激，那种冲击心房的感觉很强烈，每天都不能平静，每天都无时无刻不在看新闻，又有人被救出了吗，又有余震了吗。。。14：28分，我静立，默哀，耳畔是震耳的鸣笛，14：31分过后，我去了银行，捐出了自己的第一份心意。之所以这么说，是因为这是开始，但不是结束。很多人为明星捐少而愤愤，有时候也拿不定主意，到底自己应该捐多少算合适。今天我没有捐很多，只是一点自己的心意，可是我会长期捐下去，总是告诉自己，重建道路漫漫，四川的同胞需要我们持久的支持，而不仅仅是今时今日我们沉浸在巨大悲痛中的这种冲动。贵在坚持！晚上回家我会做小白花，能尽到心意的地方，我觉得自己都应该做到。这是有生以来第一次经历这么大的灾难，即使98年的洪水和年初的冰雪也未曾让我如此揪心。真心希望那些从灾难中挺过来的人们今后能真正从灾难的阴影中走出来，平安健康地生活，为了他们死去的亲人朋友，也为了全国人民乃至世界人民的这份关怀。

东边日出西边雨，过去的这个周末是全美的本科生和研究生们毕业典礼的日子，无论东岸西岸都是阳光灿烂，草长莺飞吧，辛苦了几年的学子们手捧证书和家人朋友分享付出后的收获与喜悦，那场景想来也让人欣慰。我的nerd也是今年的一份子，远隔大洋，其实我有些难过，而其实这难过从我离开p城的那天我就清楚，很无奈，可是也只能等待。他说，we will go to all the celebrations together in the future， 我愿意相信！好在他的家人朋友队伍庞大，即使他有小小失落我没有show up，nerd应该还是开心的。Congratulations!!! See you in two weeks!!!

这一日，北京在多日的阴郁后放晴，回暖，人们照常上班出行，丝毫没有受到昨日震荡的影响。然而这一天，眼里始终有泪，也许是因为听到总理的辛苦，人民子弟兵的英勇，也许是因为听到灾区的种种，看到孩子们被尘土覆盖的小小身躯。。。为什么会是这样呢，我不明白。前两天对妈妈说，为什么自己的命运是这样，眼前仿佛不顺，这太不公平。可是比起整个祖国所遭受的一切，很快就忘记了个人的小小烦恼，反而是庆幸，多灾的08，我始终和祖国在一起。如果要问公平，我们努力改革开放30年，我们期待祖国的美好强大，我们欢欣鼓舞地要为世界人民办一场盛会，可是这接二连三的天灾人祸是什么，是打击，还是考验？公平在哪里？又或许，这根本就是一个苦难民族成长的轨迹。。。

眼下，只能是为仍然被困的灾民们多多祈祷，为救援的官兵们祈祷，为祖国的明天祈祷！请你一定坚强，一定挺过去，明天，明天是晴天！[face38]

I told my mom, "it’s unfair"...but I can do nothing about my current situation, nothing, really...I name it as the best torture, and I feel extremely uncomfortable...lonely in the city, nowhere to go, no people to talk with...the worst situation, the best torture...but why, the same old question...

People say when you get down, you blog quite often, and I think that’s so right, because I’m doing that right now.

It’s raining again, with the grey sky, chilly wind...the weather is moist, and my eyes are moist as well...My boy is revenging me, I cannot believe that’s true, but sensitive as me, I’m damn so right! Or he had some problem and couldn’t write? If that’s the case, I prefer he’s revenging me, I guess that his safety is way much more important than my sadness. Long distance sucks, I am yelling, but God is still tesing my patience!Alright then, bring all on! I’m a fragile girl, meanwhile I’m a strong person! I’m not afraid!!!

D should really remember 2008, it might not be a good year for a lot of people, but it definitely IS for him!

Two weeks ago, he had a fiancee, today, two weeks later, he got his doctor degree! In China, we say those are two of the most fabulous things in life!He got both almost together! Of course, undeniably he had been working hard, so he deserves what he got!

Congratulations to my love![face35][face34]

My p scared me in the afternoon after I found out something was on my chair...so I ran home, which was my only option. On my way home, the feeling that H’s parents would be at home couldn’t be stronger, it’s about the time for them to come back. I was just crossing my fingers that I would be wrong. When I unlocked the door of the apartment, I knew I was 120% correct. Sadly, that’s not what I expected. I may not be able to clean my mess till later tonight.

So I had nothing to do except for pushing the button on my laptop to fool around...I sort of had the feeling that Q’s coat was from HM, so I left my guess comment. After checking the anwser, ok, again I was 120% correct.

Back to today’s noon, I met with the previous office manager for lunch. There are two points that I think I may be right about her: first, she may think, how come your office passed the audit but we didn’t;second, how come you would permanently live in that country but I would not...I guess I’m smart enough to sense although I know I might be wrong. The thoughts hit me, somehow powerfully...

Back back to my visa petition, the inside me was confident, not like how I dealt with my applications, when I was not sure and anxious everyday. I believe our petition would be smooth, very!

Look forward, I can sense that our trip in June would be a really nice and sweet one, and we could get much closer, although I understand we have been close enough.

Look forward and forward, D would make me happy forever , all the aspects, you name it!

Well, it feels great to look back and forth to know how intuitive I was/will be, but now, I really have to clean myself up! Can I, oh, come on, I lost my intuition, suddenly!!!

P.S. The chief may happily think he used me, however, I wish he could understand nobody is a fool, well, maybe except for him!

Just for a record, that my p hasn’t come yet, and it could be tonight, tomorrow, or even later...I hope it’s normal anyway...and things are funny sometimes, coz you plan the situations you want most and least, yet the least wanted would come finally , and you got to handle it...is that life?

Bless! Yeah, I just want to be healthy to have a bb with D, please bless us!

*****
My p finally came after work, lol...

AND, something else belated came as well...a pack from BC! I was really wondering what’s in the pack because I just expected a rejection letter. However, it’s an ad, to MEd...God, are you kidding me??? My visa petition is right on the way to USCIS, then you gave me another option??? Is it a better option or a worse one??? Well, it’s hard to tell, and I just need to make a decision between the options, neither is good...so finally I stuck to the first one, and I guess I am right!

Engagement, the preparation of my visa petition, and the holidays...yeah, it’s been a while that I haven’t blogged here...but my life never stopped...I felt relaxed, but at the same time I felt bored and empty...I once complained that I never got out of the woods of stress, then I suddenly was given the chance, to be honest, the feeling was not so good as I expected...

So last week, I was preparing the visa petition pack with my boy, yeah, it’s our first group project, till yesterday he finalized everything and dropped the pack off in the Fedex office, we were done! I will look forward to some good news!!!Bless!!!

I got a lot in my mind, my good standing, the continued preparation for the who knows when visa interview, the travel plan in June... yeah, that’s a lot, but I don’t know why I feel so lazy and cannot even start one of them...please act!!!

I did some shopping, but still couldn’t find my comfortable shoes for the coming travel. So yes, I will keep hunting this afternoon.

This morning, I got a phone call from a colleague in my office...I don’t know why, but I always feel upset to be bothered by some trivial things...later I realized, come on, they pay for upsetting me, so please be patient...

Ok, I guess I have rambled too much...stop!

P.S. To mark, our petition will be mailed on May 5th, as planned~